But life doesn't always work out that way.
Things were looking up and feels like they all came crashing back down right where they left off... just a moment of bliss and relief from the pain.
I want to give up hope. It's so hard to hold onto sometimes. A dark mindset seems more fitting for this world sometimes.. Ruthless and cruel in an empty and vacant world. Holding on for others only works for so long. All they want is to see me happy and it ain't happening and I don't care if it ever will. I've felt different from most people all my life, I've had my diagnoses and take them for what they're worth- there is no cure or fix for these types of things. Trauma can't be undone, lost time can not be made up for, and there is no going back and fixing broken relationships.
Things are the way they are, and I have accepted that for a while. Drugs and the underground was how I dealt with it before. The ourcasts, oddballs, weirdos, loners, losers, and the like all know what I mean. A sense of family never felt before from people with your own blood. It's not a solution or a cure, but a pleasant distraction from the pain.
People I have counted on and believed in let me down. If I trust anyone again it will be a miracle. I don't think it's a strength but I will never rely on anyone but myself again and refrain from trust like disease.
I can't be too mad, but hell is a path paved with good intentions. I want to cut and run, I want to end it, I want to jump bail, I want to go on a binge I hope I dont wake up from. But it's not that I really want these things, it's that I don't want to feel this pain or deal with these thoughts. Tears were always believed by me to be a sign of weakness and if I still thought that, my weakness is flowing.
It doesn't have to be like this, I don't have to feel this way. So much has been happening that I haven't been happy with but haven't felt comfortable objecting given my current situation, but it can't keep on this way. I wish I could repay my debts tonight and help all those that picked me up when I was down, but i can't help anyone if I am drowning myself.
My life will probably never look like what my mom or family thinks it should. I will never go to church or believe in god again. I don't think saying fuck is bad, and I don't believe in sin, heaven or hell. Life is all that we have, it's fleeting and it's frightening and disenheartening to accept it. I understand why people turn to beliefs in higher powers and I don't profess to know myself. Human knowledge will always be limited and when learning stops ignorance takes place.
I'm not sure if there is a question, but just a need to vent freely. I realize it's time to really discover myself and develop my own values and life. I don't want drugs to define me anymore, I know this, but when faced with problems that seem insurmountable drugs are an easy solution.
Things were looking up and feels like they all came crashing back down right where they left off... just a moment of bliss and relief from the pain.
I want to give up hope. It's so hard to hold onto sometimes. A dark mindset seems more fitting for this world sometimes.. Ruthless and cruel in an empty and vacant world. Holding on for others only works for so long. All they want is to see me happy and it ain't happening and I don't care if it ever will. I've felt different from most people all my life, I've had my diagnoses and take them for what they're worth- there is no cure or fix for these types of things. Trauma can't be undone, lost time can not be made up for, and there is no going back and fixing broken relationships.
Things are the way they are, and I have accepted that for a while. Drugs and the underground was how I dealt with it before. The ourcasts, oddballs, weirdos, loners, losers, and the like all know what I mean. A sense of family never felt before from people with your own blood. It's not a solution or a cure, but a pleasant distraction from the pain.
People I have counted on and believed in let me down. If I trust anyone again it will be a miracle. I don't think it's a strength but I will never rely on anyone but myself again and refrain from trust like disease.
I can't be too mad, but hell is a path paved with good intentions. I want to cut and run, I want to end it, I want to jump bail, I want to go on a binge I hope I dont wake up from. But it's not that I really want these things, it's that I don't want to feel this pain or deal with these thoughts. Tears were always believed by me to be a sign of weakness and if I still thought that, my weakness is flowing.
It doesn't have to be like this, I don't have to feel this way. So much has been happening that I haven't been happy with but haven't felt comfortable objecting given my current situation, but it can't keep on this way. I wish I could repay my debts tonight and help all those that picked me up when I was down, but i can't help anyone if I am drowning myself.
My life will probably never look like what my mom or family thinks it should. I will never go to church or believe in god again. I don't think saying fuck is bad, and I don't believe in sin, heaven or hell. Life is all that we have, it's fleeting and it's frightening and disenheartening to accept it. I understand why people turn to beliefs in higher powers and I don't profess to know myself. Human knowledge will always be limited and when learning stops ignorance takes place.
I'm not sure if there is a question, but just a need to vent freely. I realize it's time to really discover myself and develop my own values and life. I don't want drugs to define me anymore, I know this, but when faced with problems that seem insurmountable drugs are an easy solution.