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Will the anxiety/insomnia ever end? When will I be normal...

TheShowMustGoOn

TheShowMustGoOn

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Hello, I have been looking around some other posts and I feel like I am having similar post-mdma use symptoms and I am really looking for some advice! Please bare with the long post as I am just trying to be specific!

The story is as follows

Seven weeks ago exactly I was at a club with a friend (we are both female and early 20s), who wanted me to try some mdma. I thought sure why the hell not, I'll have a comedown for a day or two then I'll be fine. My friend bought 0.5 grams and after talking to her, she said that all in all I probably had less than a quarter of a gram altogether - bearing in mind this is my FIRST TIME, and drug-wise I have only taken a puff of weed on a separate occasion in my life.
So the mdma hit me, I completely freaked out, then I calmed down and enjoyed it. Went home a few hours later and slept fine, around 7-8 hours. The next day was okay too, just felt a little tired.

The second night I went to sleep, I jumped awake as I felt my teeth grinding and got totally freaked out.

My friend also had this for about a week then all her problems subsided, although she is a frequent mdma user and had rolled a second night in a row, she is now completely fine.

Regardless, since then I've had a number of problems;
-In the first week or two, I had major heart palpitations, waking up in cold sweat, sometimes sleeping not more than half an hour at night. I also had major headaches in the first few days. I also suffered from much dp/dr in the first month, ie. looking in the mirror and not seeing myself - but this has improved greatly.

- Teeth clenching - still going on seven weeks later, some nights its not as bad as others, but even in the day time I cannot relax my jaw without it moving involuntarily. I have been to the dentist and got a mouth guard to prevent any teeth damage (something I've always had a fear about)

- Swollen gum lines, near my molars, so I cannot put my teeth together or bite down (there's always a couple of mm in between my teeth)

- Tinnitus developed in my right ear after maybe 2 or 3 weeks. I have had this before and thought it would subside after a few days but it has persisted till now. I have been using warm Virgin olive oil to possibly melt any wax that may be stuck inside?

-Anxiety/depression - This was most pronounced in the first four weeks, I would feel helpless and breakdown and cry a couple of times a week. I have had the occasional day where I have felt in a MUCH better mood and almost 'normal', but this generally subsides within 24 hours and I go back to feeling depressed. I havnt had a breakdown in almost a week now. The times where I feel at my best is when I'm surrounded by friends/socializing/laughing, etc. Apart from that I feel bored a lot of the time and just like I cant wait for this to pass, maybe once a day when the anxiety hits hard, my stomach goes crazy and digests all my food within an hour, which is kinda annoying...

- Insomnia - This is one of the worst things that doesn't help anything I guess. In the first 3-4 weeks I may have been sleeping 1-3 hours. Now I am averaging around 4 hours a night.

-Antisocial - This was pretty bad to begin with, I was too scared to even leave my house. I also live with my very strict parents who would completely go crazy if they knew I had been near drugs, so it only adds to the anxiety that I'm having to keep everything hidden away from them and my siblings. I do feel a stronger urge to get out of the house and see friends now though.

Reading what other people have posted here, memory-wise I seem to be fine, cognitively also I seem to be okay. Maybe a little slower than before but I put this down to lack of sleep.

I can see that I have clearly improved since week 1, however I'm just worried that I will never return back to normal. I just want to be the old, carefree me again and I want to forget about this whole ordeal. I've also recently started a new job that I am worried I might screw up from all this anxiety, I don't seem to think as creatively or boldly as I did before and I cant seem to socialize with colleagues as I normally would. I was always 'on the ball' before and had such a bright future ahead, now all I can hardly think outside the box and always stressing that I may be fired or take forever to advance in my career - I've always been hugely ambitious and this feels like it is holding me back at such an important period in my life.

Supplement-wise I am taking multivitamins and herbal sleeping pills, they dont seem to help much in keeping me asleep but they do calm me down as I'm going to bed. I have also taken up yoga and meditation; and brushing and flossing twice a day, with mouthwash in between meals.

Im sorry for the very long post however I just wanted to be as specific as possible.

I guess my main question is will I ever be completely back to normal and when?
 
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HellotheShowMustgoOn Welcome to the BL Community

First thing I have to assure you is the conditions will subside. THEY ARE GOING TO FADE AND EVENTUALLY GO. Taking 1/4 of a gram of MDMA for a first time user is pretty strong and theres also the possibility you might have had a nasty compound / cut in reality we will never really know but the important thing is the symptoms you describe are classic of a mild drug induced anxiety / psychosis.

On your side you have your age you are young and as a result your body will repair itself quicker than someone who is old. Also you have a short history of drug taking so the chances of you causing any long term damage or issues is very very minimal.

So how do you get out of this mess?

Firstly for now no more drugs including weed, mdma, coke etc. Ideally dont drink and ideally dont smoke you need to give your brain and body every chance to reach an equilibrium state.

Anxiety is a funny thing to beat it you have to hit it head on. Effectively pretend it does not exist. Try and live as normal a life as possible. Fight yourself to do things, go running, hang out with friends. You might not want to but this is an essential part of breaking the anxiety loop. Over a period of time your mind reprograms itself and normality resets itself.

Imagine a car accident not sure if you have ever been in anything like this before. If you have then everything goes very surreal and into a kind of weird slow motion. This is what happens when the body gets into a super heightened state. Anxiety is a super heightened state that can cause all kinds of symptoms such as derealisation, memory loss, insomnia, panic attacks, paranoia,tinnitus, aching jaw the list goes on.

Unfortunately MDMA can have a nasty habbit of triggering anxiety in certain people and they are often shocked and frightened and dont know how to get out of it. Our body immediately thinks drugs therefore brain damage. This is DEFINITELY not the case.

You need a good diet during this recovery process, need some good suppliments.

I recommend Neurozan, Omega 3, Krill Oil and for some 5HTP. You could also consider Piracetam.

Exercise is essential also.

The most important is to hit that Anxiety head on and try and fight it. Try and lead a normal life even though you feel awful.

Once the anxiety goes all the horrible symptoms go with it. Trust me I have spoken to many people in a similiar problem to yourself before.

I have had chronic anxiety on and off for years. I have taken a long history of MDMA and spoken to many people so I feel I can give you some good support and advice.

Please keep things updated on this thread and let us know how you get on. Always here for you I know exactly the space you are in now its not nice but it WILL GO AWAY. Trust me. Just gonna take some time and a little pain to get through it.

Take care

Futura x
 
futura speaks the truth. 250mg is about 2 and a half doses for a first time lady roller. also, theres a good chance it wasnt pure unless your friend tested it herself or watched her dealer test it in front of her. weed especially can increase anxiety after an experience like yours, try to not smoke for at least a few months. to help with the jaw, take magnesium (not oxide, but some other formulation). next time you roll take some 5-htp over the next few days before bed to replenish your serotonin. as long as you eat health and exercise, your symptoms should go away in a few months (i would say 6 months max.)
 
I remember watching a documentary about mdma, and on there a scientific study showed that your serotonin levels take about 2 months to return to normal. So if you're still feeling a little bit off that could be it.

Another thing about feeling anxious or paranoid, and this what I currently believe, I think that the drug might have shown you something that you feel bad about and want fix. So maybe you can use it to your advantage.

People are all different though and it's absolutely possible you just can't handle mdma.
 
You fucked your brain for life!

Nah just kidding man. You'll be aight. Just get about 9 hours sleep every night, exercise, eat healthy, and try to relax. Take some valium if you have to. Trust me. It'll be okay. Try not to worry about how you feel and just live in the moment. It gets better with time, although you won't see a difference over night, eventually you will be better and if you don't worry about it you won't even notice.
 
Hey Show! I just want you to know that I am going through the same exact thing you are. About 15 weeks ago i had the worst experience of my life! I had about a week of panic attacks and I had a CONSTANT aching, worrying anxiety i fought through a depression, inability to socialize, brain fog, bad short term memory, and terrible insomnia . This being said, I pulled through it and I am slowly returning to normal, and i am SO much better than i was a couple months ago.

My advice to you is STAY OFF BLUELIGHT! STAY OFF THE INTERNET. This will only make it worse i proooomise you. I have spent hours and hours looking forums for people to tell me that they had EXACTLY what i had and that they got better. but when i found someone saying that they got better, it would do nothing for me, I would just continue to search and search.

Another thing to remember is that YOU WILL BE ALRIGHT. I promise. If you're not alright in a couple months time pm me and ill post a video of a buddy of mine punching me in the face. not really though but for real, always remember that what you are going through is TEMPORARY. Write it on your hand if you have to.

Try to surround yourself with people as much as you can! I found that being alone REALLY made me suffer as I was left to constantly think about everything over and over and over again.

Last and not least, go exercise!!! I cannot stress how important this is! Go join a gym and get your stair steppin' on, or stay at home and work on that core! Exercise has been the most important way for me to keep my anxiety low. When i stop exercising for a couple days, I find that all my symptoms just get worse!

Time however, is the one thing that will cure you. It may take weeks or months, but your brain will be back to tip toppity shape in no time! Now get off the internet and go get your workout on!
 
Yes it will. 6 months ago I couldn't eat and woke up 5 times a night in a sweaty panic. It was terrible. Now I'm fine save a tiny bit of derealization if I drink too much coffee.

It's gonna be tough but don't let it win - go out with your friends, live your life, it WILL get better. Some days are worse than others but as time goes on things slowly return. Some people can snap right out of it, i did about 3 times but caffeine put me right back.

There are a lot of scary stories on BL about bad comedowns but I would say you didn't do any damage, rather you shocked your brain and your current feelings are a defense mechanism. You are very sensitive to stress so google some mindfulness and breathing exercises and use them when things are tough. I breathed myself out of a terrible DP/DR spell.

There are a lot of people on here that have gone through the same exact thing.

I found it (find it) therapeutic to come on here and share my experience and help others.


Edit: I am in law school and I thought that this would end my career. During this experience, I have managed to win a mock trial competition, pass the multistate ethics exam, and get a job offer after I graduate. Five and a half months ago i would have never dreamed of that. My point is, anxiety can make you feel like you are incapable of functioning while in fact it's nothing more than uncomfortable emotions. Your brain is fine, you were able to coherently join this forum and write a legible post describing your feelings.

Also, to echo another poster, stay the hell off of the Internet until you truly accept that 1) you triggered some stress 2) you have no control over it, 3) there is no quick fix, only time and healthy living. I spent my first month freaking out reading horror stories and it only made things worse. I wanted a magic cure and refused to let go of the fact that there was something wrong - it just prolonged the healing process.

Good luck, you have a supportive community here on BL.
 
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wow guys where do I start, first thank you for so many of you for replying so quickly.
Although my sleeping pattern is completely screwed and the insomnia is pretty bad, my anxiety was no where near as bad as it was 4 weeks ago. I did not even realize at the time that a quarter of a gram is technically such a large dose.
I am trying to be as healthy as possible, I dont smoke anything regardless, and have stop drinking since everything kicked in.
I understand that it is probably a good idea to stay off the forums so as to not remind myself constantly however in reply to Dawglaw I have definitely reached the point where I accepted that I triggered stress, I have no control and there is no quick fix. I just wanted to be reassured that there was no permanent damage which was my biggest fear.
Dawglaw further to your post, I had my job interview two weeks after the anxiety started and I technically got the job, but I am on a month trial, so I need to push myself 110% so that they decide to keep me on, and Im just finding it a bit difficult with this lack of sleep.

Thank you all again for your posts I really appreciate them, I will probably get some fish oils, but im not too keen on pumping even more chemicals into my body.
 
I have definitely reached the point where I accepted that I triggered stress, I have no control and there is no quick fix. I just wanted to be reassured that there was no permanent damage which was my biggest fear.
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I assure you the damage isn't permanent. The mind/body has a way of reaching equilibrium after trauma. It's fairly typical to have depression and anxiety after rolling. A good diet, exercise, perhaps some yoga/meditation are all helpful. Just remember, it's all in your head (literally...). You can let it control you, or you can control it. I take valium or have a few beers when I have severe anxiety attacks or insomnia. Usually going for a nice long jog daily will tremendously help the depression. I mean 2 miles a day jog.

When it comes to alcohol... It's so weird. Certain brands fuck me up, others are less harmful. For instance Belvedere vodka is much smoother, especially with adequate hydration (remember alcohol tends to dehydrate) than Grey Goose. I can drink Belvedere with good water like Dasani (if you look at the label dasani has added electrolytes - magnesium, potassium, and "a negligable amount of sodium") and feel great the next day. Even after getting smashed. Grey goose... IDK wtf is different about it but it gives me a horrible hangover compared to Belvedere.

Supplements - I buy magnesium citrate saline solution sold in the laxative section - it's cheaper than the pills, and you only need a fraction of the dosage recommended for laxative purpose... Highly absorbable and affordable :) It will help with jaw clenching and help rebuild any damage to your jaw done while rolling. Eat beans and nuts also for magnesium.
I will probably get some fish oils, but im not too keen on pumping even more chemicals into my body.
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Fish oil/Omega-3 - I do not like fish oil supplements because they contain organic mercury, because the mercury is fat soluble, the mercury gets concentrated in the fish oil. A lot of fish has mercury, but it's not concentrated like in fish oil supplements. Instead, fatty fish (rather expensive for good ones that aren't farm-raised, like SeaBass :\)

I personally buy flax oil with lignans and extra omega-3. Same nutrient, but from a plant source. I don't buy pills, again, I buy a bottle of liquid. Most grocery stores sell it in their health food and cold vitamin section(mine has it next to the chilled protein drinks). If it's not refrigerated, it's not the good stuff. I take a TSP a day of it, usually mixed in a glass of (chocolate) milk. It costs about $16-17/bottle but in the long run it's a lot cheaper than buying fish, and healthier than fish oil pills.
 
A few things to try:

Keep track of your feelings/emotions through the day. Notice how they ebb and flow. Try to find what triggers the uncomfortable feelings and confront it.

This might be a bit scary but go up to the mirror and ask yourself "what if this IS permanent?", pretend that it will never get better and start to figure out how you will adjust to your new life. Once I accepted that I might have these feelings for the rest of my life, I shrugged it off. Once I no longer cared about how many days it has been since I was normal, how many more months I would be like this, is my vision getting better, etc., did I start to really see my healing process clear up.

I said this in a earlier post but a psychologist told me it is like your nose. Your eyes always see your nose but your brain filters it out because it is irrelevant. If you pay attention to your nose, you will always see it. The more you are worried about your nose, the more you see it. The longer you go without validating your anxiety, the quicker your brain will filter it out and it will eventually go away.

In the beginning, a DP/DR spell would kick in and I would be like oh fuck here we go again and try to fight it - it only made things worse. I couldn't drink coffee or have any caffeine without putting myself through hell. One night I was at the bar and I had two vodka redbulls without thinking and guess what? No DP/DR because I didn't think about it! Now, I can drink as much coffee as I want. Sometimes I'll feel a bit of anxiety/dp/dr come on and I just say "fuck off, I am not scared of you" and it goes away in 10 minutes.

Re Drinking: I have found that social drinking has been a godsend, especially in the beginning. When I went out with my friends to the bars, I completely forgot anything was wrong with me. It was a great way to deal with all the stress. Each person reacts differently so if you decide to drink make sure you go slow and are not using alcohol destructively.
 
hey guys, how are you all
its been a few days since my initial post and ive taken on your advice, ive tried exercising a few times this week, although my mood seems to be good most days and very few spells of dp/dr, all my physical symptoms are still very much there and this lack of sleep with a full time job is killing me. Sleeping pills are having no effect.
Im guessing it will take a while for the physical effects to wear off once the anxiety has gone.

Something else I realized, everyone keeps on saying exercise, which is what i am doing and is fine for the time being - but again - will i have to do this forever?? People keep saying when they're down they exercise, but this only releases endorphins and does not technically get rid of the anxiety - so does it actually fully go away minus exercise?

Also I am planning a house NYE party which is basically in 3 weeks, do you think I should give it the go ahead?
 
^sleeping pills can actually cause insomnia. I think the best sleeping pills are natural melatonin (they sell those like vitamins also)

exercise should become a life-long habit. The older we get, the more we need to force ourselves to get up and do it, even if we don't feel like it. People who don't exercise tend to get old and die faster than people who do.

as for rolling new years.. That is totally your call based on how you feel by then. Still 20 days away at least, which is almost 3 weeks. Typically it's best to space rolls out by 3 months, but everyone has different feelings on this. It's coming up on 3 months since my last roll, and I'm not even sure if I'm rolling (it really depends on the availability of pills at the time)
 
Hey no one said anything about rolling :p i just said i was gonna have a house party and maybe possibly have some alcohol if im feeling up for it - thats how freaked out i am about drugs now

the sleeping pills are indeed natural - melatonin and hopps i think its called...

I just wanna get over this shiz maaaan I'm starting to get really bored of it like... i know i need to get the hell of bluelight im reading that some people suffer for years even if they havnt used that much - what are the chances of that?
 
I just wanna get over this shiz maaaan I'm starting to get really bored of it like... i know i need to get the hell of bluelight im reading that some people suffer for years even if they havnt used that much - what are the chances of that?
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Your age and drug history make me fairly certain this wont be a long term issue for you.

Most of us with long term comedowns have a history of MDMA abuse. For example myself I have taken approx 450 pills over an 18 year period. I have had two longterm comedowns one lasted 6 months the other still ongoing. I am 39 years old.

Compare this to yourself 20 years almost zero drug history.

Remember what everyone is saying about trying to confront the anxiety rather than letting it take you over.

I recommend a book available on this website called "At Last a Life Anxiety and Panic Free" by Paul David

http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/

Its kind of like if you think you will suffer for years you will.

If you convince yourself you are young with zero drug history and there is no possible way you could have a long term episode of anxiety then that is exactly the reality you will create.

A quick view of the provided link will reassure you of this :)
 
thank uuu <3 if i could give you a hug i would

off to for another nights attempt to sleep :D fun...

i will avoid coming on here again but will keep you updated occasionally

love to all
 
Hey guys, some new developments...I have had a good couple of days, the other night even managed 6 hours sleep, however something new has happened with my vision

It feels like everything is really clear, almost like I'm back on mdma, although my pupil dialation seems fine, it's like I can't keep my eyes still and I can't relax them- is this good/bad? Why has it come two months down the line, especially when I had almost no anxiety for the past couple of days, appreciate the help!
 
It's anxiety. I had crazy vision issues which turned me into a hypochondriac. Anxiety is a tricky bastard. I didn't really feel anxious after the second month but I still dealt with vision changes, headaches, and feeling out of it for another four months.

I even went to an ophthalmologist, he said I was fine - the anxiety creates a interference with how we perceive the information obtained by our eyes, not with our eye function.

If it freaks you out just remind yourself it's stress and anxiety, if you damaged your vision you would have known on the first day.
 
severely etarded said:
You fucked your brain for life!

Nah just kidding man. You'll be aight. Just get about 9 hours sleep every night, exercise, eat healthy, and try to relax. Take some valium if you have to. Trust me. It'll be okay. Try not to worry about how you feel and just live in the moment. It gets better with time, although you won't see a difference over night, eventually you will be better and if you don't worry about it you won't even notice.
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Well said.

Can we make this a sticky...............will save the same question being asked in ED every day.
 
Hi guys, how is everyone

Merry Christmas!

Just came by to give a quick update, I figure this thread will hopefully help someone in future.

I guess I've been doing much better, only had one bout of dp since my last post. The symptoms have lessened, and I'm no longer dreading the worst.

I've understood the subject of anxiety much more and its basically helped hugely in recovering, simply a build up of adrenaline that causes you to get into fight/flight mode and the only way to overcome it is to not panic, let it be, tell your brain there is no danger...

My insomnia is still pretty bad, but I've been able to get back to sleep after waking up, just ten minutes exercise a day has really helped use up excess adrenaline and create new pathways.

Something I have a question about now, what are brain zaps and what are they supposed to feel like?

I've had numbing sensations in my brain especially when I'm going to sleep these past couple of days, and pins and needles in my hands, however I've read these are symptoms of anxiety...but are they brain zaps? Is it good or bad to have them :/

Thanks all!
 
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