jaystyle
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 5, 2010
- Messages
- 262
I've almost lost track of how long I've been an Oxycontin addict. Since I had a lot of income, I never hit a rock bottom as some people do (stealing, going in and out of WD)---but it sure took a toll on my income (I had enough to live comfortably, do drugs, not save anything). IT hurt my life in many other ways too, like losing friends, my health suffering, etc etc. I think in 2003 we started with vicodins, and in 2 years it became Oxy. I am 30.
THe last time I tried to quit--- I lasted about 12 hours on suboxone, felt miserable--stopped taking it, and took oxy after oxy anxiously waiting for the subs to wear off so I could feel it. The 3 days felt like an eternity. That must of been 6 years ago, and I never bothered since.
This time--- years later, I met a girl I love. I hid my addiction from her, some way-- some how--- but now we're moving in together on 9/1/15 to an apartment. I realized that if I move in with her an Oxy addict, our relationship will be destroyed and I'll regret it forever. So, I decided to switch to subs before the move in date. It's been about 24 hours since i took my first suboxone dose, and 48 hours since my last Oxy. I had a 800mg/day habbit, and feared suboxone was too weak to control it. I was right. Last night I writhed in agony, kicking and squirming--unable to sit still-- and all that other crap. It was horrendous. My love for my gf is the only thing stopping me from relapsing. I took so much xanax & clonidine I couldn't walk, talk, speak, text, read, and knocked things over around the room. I feel that I almost overdosed on them, because I wasn't aware that clonidine was to be taken sparingly and not mixed wtih benzos unless wtih caution. I am glad I didn't die.
The morning I woke up without any of the withdrawals I had the night before, or major ones at least.... miraculously. Just the awful hangover from Benzos & Clonidine that I desperately took to help my withdrawals. However, I've been so depressed all I can do is lay in bed all day. All I can think of is thoughts like, "You were happiest on Oxy, your personality will never be the same because you were more fun when you felt so good on drugs all the time!".... I just feel like my head is always going to have this hole in it that can't be filled and I'll always be sad & longing for Oxy. A friend told me to get on Wellbutrin, I've never been depressed but I might try that. Before OXY, I was a happy kid. I never needed drugs to feel good. Will I ever be myself again? Is this just temporary? Even with the prospect of moving in with my GF, something is telling me to just relapse and tell her I'm an OXY addict and to love me for who I am. Deep down I know that's a horrible idea though.
Thanks for any advice or support/.
THe last time I tried to quit--- I lasted about 12 hours on suboxone, felt miserable--stopped taking it, and took oxy after oxy anxiously waiting for the subs to wear off so I could feel it. The 3 days felt like an eternity. That must of been 6 years ago, and I never bothered since.
This time--- years later, I met a girl I love. I hid my addiction from her, some way-- some how--- but now we're moving in together on 9/1/15 to an apartment. I realized that if I move in with her an Oxy addict, our relationship will be destroyed and I'll regret it forever. So, I decided to switch to subs before the move in date. It's been about 24 hours since i took my first suboxone dose, and 48 hours since my last Oxy. I had a 800mg/day habbit, and feared suboxone was too weak to control it. I was right. Last night I writhed in agony, kicking and squirming--unable to sit still-- and all that other crap. It was horrendous. My love for my gf is the only thing stopping me from relapsing. I took so much xanax & clonidine I couldn't walk, talk, speak, text, read, and knocked things over around the room. I feel that I almost overdosed on them, because I wasn't aware that clonidine was to be taken sparingly and not mixed wtih benzos unless wtih caution. I am glad I didn't die.
The morning I woke up without any of the withdrawals I had the night before, or major ones at least.... miraculously. Just the awful hangover from Benzos & Clonidine that I desperately took to help my withdrawals. However, I've been so depressed all I can do is lay in bed all day. All I can think of is thoughts like, "You were happiest on Oxy, your personality will never be the same because you were more fun when you felt so good on drugs all the time!".... I just feel like my head is always going to have this hole in it that can't be filled and I'll always be sad & longing for Oxy. A friend told me to get on Wellbutrin, I've never been depressed but I might try that. Before OXY, I was a happy kid. I never needed drugs to feel good. Will I ever be myself again? Is this just temporary? Even with the prospect of moving in with my GF, something is telling me to just relapse and tell her I'm an OXY addict and to love me for who I am. Deep down I know that's a horrible idea though.
Thanks for any advice or support/.