Will it ever end?

[LeftAndLeft]

Been away from opiates for more than eighty days now, though admittedly quite far from sober. They're still all I think about, and what I care about most the vast majority of the time. I literally don't think I've had a single thought that hasn't tied in closely with opiates for several months -- and as a thinker, this bothers me.

It was meant to be a short-term thing. Then it got extended by more opiates falling into my lap. Nothing serious, hydrocodone, and I was very conservative in my use. But it's been so much time, and the longing and need and desire and despair at their absence feels completely intractable. I've only even felt like I could live without them for five minute periods at a time, and that's only happened on three days so far. Every other moment is complete agony, longing, and despair at not having them anymore.

Will it ever end? Is there any hope? How long will this take? Would being genuinely sober actually help? That's impractical on a number of levels, but at this point I'd do just about anything to make this misery go away.
I guess I just want anecdotes, or a little bit of help, or an acknowledgement that this may just be what I have to live with.

I lurk here too often, and post too little, but thanks in advance for any advice or experiences that anyone can share.

 

[Justmehere]

I too have detoxed myself. I was feeling toxic and frustrated that my life revolved around my 30 day supply. It is the worst possible thing to go through. Also, I had to hide it. Paste on my "happy face" is what I called it. For the first 5-7 days it was like a bad flu. With terrible Insomnia, asking myself how long a person can go without sleep before they pass out from lack of it. But steadied my mind. I would talk to myself and say.... One more day and I will feel better, until about 10 days or so.

But my problem was physical. My mind just wanted to stop the "gimmes or somores". I told my Doctor I was depressed, I used Wellbutrin XL. It helped a little with the cold turkey.

i had actually got better until another surgery 2 years after being off meds.

After my 5th Hernia surgery, I had this shooting pain in my groin almost couldn't walk. I went to my Surgeon, and he knew he had damaged my Femoral Nerve, and sent me to Pain Management. And my horror story began all over again.

This is just how I did it. And what helped for me, OH and plenty of Anti-diarrhea meds, and Prevacid.

I wish you wellness,hope, and will think of you during this hard and difficult time.

~Just me here~

 

[Xorkoth]

Hey, are you a psychedelic user? I ask because I was addicted to opiates for 10 years, and at the end of April I took ibogaine and my life feels amazing to be perfectly honest... I feel cured, I never had PAWS this time and I never have cravings or any desire to use opiates ever again, that part of my life is done. If you don't know what ibogaine is look it up, it has gained a lot of attention as a very effective addiction treatment. I'm not sure it's for everyone or not, it was far and away the most intense thing I have ever experienced. But I thank whatever is out there every single day that I decided to make it happen for myself. It's only been 3 months and things keep getting better. But I felt more or less this way right after the whole thing was done too. Just thought I'd put it out there. As I understand it even works best when you're not currently in acute addiction (I was in very light withdrawal when I took it).

What it basically did for me was two things. One, it seemed to almost reset my brain, like all those years of physical dependence were just erased. And two, perhaps more significantly, it forced a process of self-reflection that led to me making important and fundamental changes in my patterns of thinking and behavior, that have led to a much healthier and happier life.

Just felt like I should put that out there. If you actually think you might want to go there, PM me because proper preparation is crucial.

 

[LeftAndLeft]

Justmehere -- I've actually been wondering about Wellbutrin in particular, so it's good to hear that it can actually help with this. I'm a bit wary of anti-depressants, because I was given an SSRI when I was young and went very manic after two weeks of use, but the more atypical meds might not produce that result. Something to keep in mind, and I'm glad to hear it worked for you!

Xorkoth -- I don't do psychedelics as a rule, but I have read a fair bit about ibogaine here. I hadn't actually thought about it in a serious way, but it's good of you to point out that if it does keep up and never does seem to stop, there's that option as well.

Thanks to both of you. It helps just to know there are things that can be done, even if I'm just putting them in the back of my mind for the moment.

 

[Fxckyou_thatswhy]

Op; im in the same boat with you PAWS is fucking deathly , to the point i want to go cop , i would do just about anything right now to pull the plunger

 

[Xorkoth]

Yeah I didn't seriously consider it for years either... it was in the back of my mind though. Then a good friend of mine suggested it and as he had done it a year before for the same thing, he coached me and I finally went there. This was after 10 years of addiction, I had tried everything besides inpatient rehab, as I couldn't take time off work. So it really was a last-ditch effort, but the effectiveness was amazing, as much of a miracle as I have ever experienced in my life. The lack of PAWS was a huge blessing.

 

[edgewise1]

Part of it may be the "far from sober" you mentioned. Don't know what else you are taking but as long as you are in the mindset of not being sober then your mind is telling you that if you are going to be putting things in your body to get high then it might as well be the opiates. Of course PAWS is not helping the issue! Good luck in getting where you want to be!

 

[Fxckyou_thatswhy]

its like a year long cell i cant get out of and its only been 7 days, what the fuck

 

[Justmehere]

I went into detox/rehab once. I think after 3 days cold turkey, I thought I was dying. It was ok.... I did feel better after I was done, and it wasn't to hard with the meds they give you, it's the time away from home, and I have a kid and husband. And of course I had to leave early for a pet problem that my kid couldn't take care of. They give you I think,Ativan, and a muscle relaxers, and I want to say Libruim. Or it was something similar in the mornings, was the Wellbutrin XL ( name brand only) some problem with the genartic. And lexipro at bed along with Ambein. And phenobarbital. The Libruim and Phen., Ativan and muscle relaxers were during the day Like 3-4 times a day. The Wellbutrin in the am, and Lexipro at bed with the Ambien. But of course 2 months in to sober. Was another surgery. And the perm. Damage. So I am back on meds and terrified for the day when I have to stop. On top of that, I had knee surgery this past March, and it's looking like full knee replacement in near future. Pointless for me to stop meds, when in pain. And scared of thinking of a knee replacement.

Keep looking forward to "the next day" you made it this long, over a week. I believe the worst is over for you. Now it's the mind you need to stop. That's where the Wellbutrin and lexipro come in. My thoughts are with you.

i am looking into the ibogain, sounds alittle scary because I am afraid of psychoactive meds. And would like to do it at home when the time comes. Looked into it alittle. But still have to do more research and get down the doses. If anyone knows the method, please PM me. I really want to know more about it, if anything, to be eduicated on options besides in-patient. Or any other ideas for home detox. Because, it never fails. SOMETHING will come up and mess up my detox. I am so scared to go through cold turkey again. But have to wait till mid Sept to see if the Gel injections under the kneecap has worked. Personally, had it done in 2009 and worked about 3 years. But this time is different. Harder recovery, not like the first time. Had lvl 4 out of 5 bone on bone arthritis.

~just me here~ a little background for you. My best to you all

 

[LeftAndLeft]

Part of it may be the "far from sober" you mentioned. Don't know what else you are taking but as long as you are in the mindset of not being sober then your mind is telling you that if you are going to be putting things in your body to get high then it might as well be the opiates. Of course PAWS is not helping the issue! Good luck in getting where you want to be!

It's just been booze. Most of the time, at least. Have been using it nightly to help me sleep since I was a teenager (tried every other option known to man first, and nothing else worked), and am starting to find myself using it to cover up emotions/drown cravings/etc lately. Not something I've ever tended to use that substance for in the past, and I know from experience that's a bad sign for getting psychologically dependent on it. Not a place I want to go. So I've been a bit worried about it.

You make a good point that I may end up thinking about things less if I cut it out. I do find myself feeling more bitter about not having my DOC when I drink. Markedly so.

Just worried about not being able to sleep. That, and the idea of complete sobriety is, admittedly, terrifying.

Would have to taper down. Tried to CT alcohol once and realized very quickly that it was a mistake when my legs started convulsing. Thinking about it though, increasingly seriously, if it might help.

(Sorry for the delayed response. I've had too much anxiety/depression lately to feel up to reading my own thread.)

 

[edgewise1]

Hey don't worry about the delay at all, I can understand that. I understand about the sleep issue also and have been there. Even when I did not have to worry about getting up the next morning I would still dread it, but when I did have to work the next day, oh man.... You might look into using melatonin for sleep issues. I've never used it but have read a lot of good things about it working for others. It is available in the supplement/vitamin(?) section of the pharmacy. Once you get the sleep issue under control then you will be able to get the alcohol use under control.

Keep posting, it will give you accountability, even if you screw up still post. There is SO much information here and so many people who have been there that can give you the help you need it is mind boggling!

Good luck my friend, you got a lot of people thinking about ya'.

 

[LeftAndLeft]

Yeah, I've tried melatonin, and a few other things. Have seen a doctor about it even, because when I was younger it was bad enough that I'd actually hallucinate/have microsleeps at absolutely terrible times. Got my sleep hygiene impeccable after that, which helped more than anything else. Still don't sleep regularly without alcohol. Part of that's that pain wakes me up a lot of the time, but. That's life, really. And that's been happening with booze the past year or so anyway, so it's not helping as much as it used to.
Will at least keep booze at the old limit, and stop allowing myself more for emotional reasons. Let my limits slip entirely too many times with opiates, not going to do it with alcohol now just because I miss them too much. There isn't even any benefit to alcohol.
May taper down after that and see what happens. It does make me feel worse physically at the levels I need to drink to sleep. Got off of it for a little while -- didn't sleep, but felt better anyway. So I'll give it some thought.
This place encourages entirely too many good habits. Thank you.

 

[edgewise1]

LandL, you say that pain wakens you, do you have chronic pain? What type of opiates were you taking, I know you mentioned hydrocodone, were you taking anything stronger?

I can understand what you are saying about the constant thinking of opiates, they have that pull. I started off with hydrocodone cough syrup twice a year, and within 5 years it was everyday! Hydrocodone/oxycodone/tramadol were all my doc's. The longest I ever quit during this time was for 8 months but life was so boring sober that I went back to the opiates. How sick is that. Tramadol became my main choice because it was so so so easy to get. For ~7 years I was spending close to $700 a month for 900 tablets. This worked out to 30 a day, and for a couple months I was taking 40 a day. They were available through online pharmacies and I ordered 5 times a month. I had my first and only Gran Mal seizure in 2009. But that didn't stop me. Only the spinal cord stroke in 2012 stopped my run away tram train. Now I take the tram as prescribed, 2 tablets 3x a day. I was still ordering1 bottle every 4 month's just so I could still get high a couple times a month. But with tramadol becòming a scheduled drug, CIV, on August 18, 2014--in 10 days, the online orders are a thing of the past. So my story in a nut shell.

Just hang in there and things will get better, you have to believe that.