LilCletus
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Nov 21, 2007
- Messages
- 15
I knew from a young age that I wanted to experience everything life had to offer: music, travel, people, states of intoxication.
At first, all of my drug experiences were exploratory, just testing the water to see what did what. I got heavily into psychedelics for shamanic/spiritual/psychological purposes. Still used them once every few years as a reset button of sorts.
Pot was fun when i was younger, became a temporary escape as i aged and i have since gotten over it completely
Cocaine was all about the lifestyle that it entailed. Late nights, easy women, partying and deboucherizing.
MDMA is fun at a concert, fun to play music on, fun with a girl and some candles.
Then I found heroin. At first i kidded myself, saying it was the same recreational experiment like all the previous times. But i fell prey to it and have struggled on and off with opiate addiction for years.
I really think i used psychedelics, mdma and even pot initially for good reasons. Much better than just "to get spun" anyway. I learned a lot about myself. Mainlining opiates though, stems from much deeper emotional scars and psychological problems. I'm anti-social, depressive, generally anxious and uncomfortable around people. I have a very hard time relating to others, tending to be stuck inside my own head and incapable of pulling myself into the "real world." My mom was emotionally abusive and the relationships i've cultivated with women since have tended to reflect that pattern which has been a vicious cycle of emotional torment that i've not dealt with very well.
Heroin made all of those problems, if not disappear completely, no longer problems. It makes me relaxed, comfortable, capable of enjoying socializing. It didn't fix the demons in my head, but it certainly sedated them too.
I had all of these problems pre-drugs, so i wonder if its all been one long search for the cure. My drug use now is about escapism, pure and simple. Opiates and benzos to deaden and dull deep seated emotional and pyschological pain.
At first, all of my drug experiences were exploratory, just testing the water to see what did what. I got heavily into psychedelics for shamanic/spiritual/psychological purposes. Still used them once every few years as a reset button of sorts.
Pot was fun when i was younger, became a temporary escape as i aged and i have since gotten over it completely
Cocaine was all about the lifestyle that it entailed. Late nights, easy women, partying and deboucherizing.
MDMA is fun at a concert, fun to play music on, fun with a girl and some candles.
Then I found heroin. At first i kidded myself, saying it was the same recreational experiment like all the previous times. But i fell prey to it and have struggled on and off with opiate addiction for years.
I really think i used psychedelics, mdma and even pot initially for good reasons. Much better than just "to get spun" anyway. I learned a lot about myself. Mainlining opiates though, stems from much deeper emotional scars and psychological problems. I'm anti-social, depressive, generally anxious and uncomfortable around people. I have a very hard time relating to others, tending to be stuck inside my own head and incapable of pulling myself into the "real world." My mom was emotionally abusive and the relationships i've cultivated with women since have tended to reflect that pattern which has been a vicious cycle of emotional torment that i've not dealt with very well.
Heroin made all of those problems, if not disappear completely, no longer problems. It makes me relaxed, comfortable, capable of enjoying socializing. It didn't fix the demons in my head, but it certainly sedated them too.
I had all of these problems pre-drugs, so i wonder if its all been one long search for the cure. My drug use now is about escapism, pure and simple. Opiates and benzos to deaden and dull deep seated emotional and pyschological pain.
