*PoRn*sTaR*
Bluelighter
Dad might be quitting his job and we might be moving. Julie wants me to stay here with her though. I want to stay with her cause I know it will be hard for her if we move but I dont think that I'm strong enough to stay here. I've had enough of all this shit. I dont know though. I have no idea what to do.
I need to go to University next year otherwise I know I wont go. I need to figure out what I want to study there though. I want to help teens that are suicidal, I want to help teens that are into drugs. I want to open my own store. Its all so confusing. I'm at the point in my life where I have to make decisions that are going to affect the rest of my life. I dont think I'm ready to do that though. I just got high school straightned out and now I have to try and straighten out my future, its so hard. If I go to University next year I have to start applying in 3 months. This is all so scary. I've grown up so quickly, 18 years isnt that long. It seems like yesterday I was 7 or so wishing that I was 16 cause I thought that the 16 year olds were so cool, now I'm sitting here wishing that I could go back in time and change everything I've done in the past.
I wouldn't have started hanging out with Kim and Amy, I would have stayed in school, I wouldnt have done any drugs, I wouldnt have hung around with hookers and dirty old men, I wouldnt have gotten addicted to weed, I wouldnt have drank as much as I did, I wouldnt have partied as much as I did, I wouldnt have popped so many pills, I wouldnt have snorted as many pills, I wouldnt have stole money, I wouldnt have betrayed people, I wouldnt have turned on my family, I wouldnt have gone through all the pain and the hurt, I wouldnt have lost so much trust, I wouldnt have lost so much faith, I wouldnt have hated myself..........
But I cant regret what I've done, I have to learn from it, I cant look at the past and say I regret it , I have to look at the past and say I learned from it and I will never return to that level again. Its hard trying to convince people that you can change. People can change. But people are stubborn, they dont forget as easily as they forgive. I've learned that the hard way. Slowly I am working my way up to be a better person, one that others will love as well as one that I can love. It will be harder for me to love myself than anyone knows. I still see myself as that person that made so many stupid mistakes and dumb decisions. I am terrified I will end up like that again. I dont see myself as any better. I need to gain respect for myself, and I have none right now. I need to see myself as a good person, I dont see that now.
Hopefully, in the future someone will be able to convince me that I am better, I am a good person, I have changed. Hopefully that person will be me. But until that day I will still be living with so many regrets, and feeling sorry for what I have done to the people around me and the people that love me.
~*Jenna*~
I need to go to University next year otherwise I know I wont go. I need to figure out what I want to study there though. I want to help teens that are suicidal, I want to help teens that are into drugs. I want to open my own store. Its all so confusing. I'm at the point in my life where I have to make decisions that are going to affect the rest of my life. I dont think I'm ready to do that though. I just got high school straightned out and now I have to try and straighten out my future, its so hard. If I go to University next year I have to start applying in 3 months. This is all so scary. I've grown up so quickly, 18 years isnt that long. It seems like yesterday I was 7 or so wishing that I was 16 cause I thought that the 16 year olds were so cool, now I'm sitting here wishing that I could go back in time and change everything I've done in the past.
I wouldn't have started hanging out with Kim and Amy, I would have stayed in school, I wouldnt have done any drugs, I wouldnt have hung around with hookers and dirty old men, I wouldnt have gotten addicted to weed, I wouldnt have drank as much as I did, I wouldnt have partied as much as I did, I wouldnt have popped so many pills, I wouldnt have snorted as many pills, I wouldnt have stole money, I wouldnt have betrayed people, I wouldnt have turned on my family, I wouldnt have gone through all the pain and the hurt, I wouldnt have lost so much trust, I wouldnt have lost so much faith, I wouldnt have hated myself..........
But I cant regret what I've done, I have to learn from it, I cant look at the past and say I regret it , I have to look at the past and say I learned from it and I will never return to that level again. Its hard trying to convince people that you can change. People can change. But people are stubborn, they dont forget as easily as they forgive. I've learned that the hard way. Slowly I am working my way up to be a better person, one that others will love as well as one that I can love. It will be harder for me to love myself than anyone knows. I still see myself as that person that made so many stupid mistakes and dumb decisions. I am terrified I will end up like that again. I dont see myself as any better. I need to gain respect for myself, and I have none right now. I need to see myself as a good person, I dont see that now.
Hopefully, in the future someone will be able to convince me that I am better, I am a good person, I have changed. Hopefully that person will be me. But until that day I will still be living with so many regrets, and feeling sorry for what I have done to the people around me and the people that love me.
~*Jenna*~
