Why was I so... weak

[Silenced]

I often wonder how this all happened... I feel like Ive failed myself and everyone around me... No one suspects me being a dopey other than my immediate family that knows Im a needle user.

It all started when my grandpa died... I just couldnt handle it. I fealt complete emptiness... And lots of other memories came up, a lot I wish I could have forgotten, but my grandpa was always there no matter what, so through the bad, I remembered. I loved him so much... And shortly after he passed, my beloved animal friend had to die at a young age out of no where, just foundem dead. My emotions have been sucked away into an empty state of terror.

It started at taking more. Then I had to get some elsewhere because Id run out. I started snorting opana... It was my heaven! This new found state of euphoria and pain free world Id never been to before. I was in heaven! Soon, Id find even a 40mg wasnt enough... That stuff is expensive! Pain ruled my life.. Mentally and physically... I could easily get opioids with my condition. Ah! Now I have even more goodies... Needle here we come! Omg! That euphoria and pain free world again... Is this heaven? And then reality sinks in... Uh oh coming down and onto withdrawal... Hurting so much... Feeling like death....

I know I have mental issues which I should seek help for, but I don't want to be labeled a crazy. I especially have extreme paranoia issues. The only person Ive ever told detail to is my husband.

Some of my family has pushed me off as a junkie and just say terrible things about me. Others are more supportive.

I guess I should have listened to everyon else who said the same thing 'That would never happen to me'. I was am lost in a world not known... Im out and in withdrawal right now... Feeling terribly sad and wondering whether I should get dope or just wait this one out... Money is tight... Ugh, that struggle. I just wan to cry. So sad seeing my lover and I so miserable.

Why did I do this to myself? Can I accept this and just await the OD? Sh

 

[Darksidesam]

Your escape route is not with drugs,

I know this myself with ketamine, I try to use it to escape, sometimes end up doing it a few times in a week (I like to use one decent dose a week, 200mg) So i cant really say Stop using etc, i dont even understand what withdrawel feels like.

Why did I do this to myself? Can I accept this and just await the day I O

Dont let it be that way, seek help to taper off,
It was your answer.. at first but it nearly always ends badly when you are using it for escapism.
To get away from the pain, I understand that part i really do.
To say try and forget about it too, thats just silly because i know these pains and feelings and deep memories not only surface every day, but several times myself.

Please seek help, as you can see you have a problem, and you are no longer really benefitting from this.

Good Luck

 

[TheMiddleWay]

Your question could be asked "why am I so human?"

Fighting addiction isn't easy. Some one close to you dying isn't easy. It's hard. Real hard.

No respectable doctor will call you or treat you like "a crazy." They will help you work through your problems.

 

[Dave]

^ Excellent post! I actually came here to say something similar, but would not have been able to put it so succinctly.

 

[shady4091]

It happens to the best of us I'm afraid and it has nothing to do with weakness or idiocy like society would have you believe. It has everything to do with a drive to be happy and content with life. We all make choices day by day and those of us who have chosen to go down this road may have a harder time than those who have not but we're no different, we all want the same thing. Don't label yourself, and don't let anyone label you. You are you in everything you do, not what anyone else says.

I'm very sorry for your loss but it seems like you're already very aware of what needs to be done. I wish you the very best and I know you can pull through this.

 

[Louis CK]

Don't think too much about "How could this have happened," because the unexpected happens to everyone. Psychologists commit suicide, millionaires become homeless, good people fall into bad habits - it's not always our fault. I'm positive you are not crazy and I'm positive you can overcome any mental problems you are experiencing. You have a husband who I'm sure is there to support you, and from your post, it sounds like you're very objective about your situation.

10 years from now this experience will set you apart from those around you. You will be stronger emotionally, mentally and physically because of what you overcame. It's not all bad, we learn from everything.

 

[Silenced]

Thanks guys for the replies... Ive been on a phone sending this, but does everyone see the end cut off? I asked questions but it appears cut off to me.

I ended up saying no to dope today... Even though the physical pain is so bad. He kept trying to get me to get some, but I kept to saying no even though it was so tempting. I guess that's a step.

Im so bleh... Not sure what to think or do.

 

[badfish45]

It started at taking more. Then I had to get some elsewhere because Id run out. I started snorting opana... It was my heaven! This new found state of euphoria and pain free world Id never been to before. I was in heaven! Soon, Id find even a 40mg wasnt enough... That stuff is expensive! Pain ruled my life.. Mentally and physically... I could easily get opioids with my condition. Ah! Now I have even more goodies... Needle here we come! Omg! That euphoria and pain free world again... Is this heaven? And then reality sinks in... Uh oh coming down and onto withdrawal... Hurting so much... Feeling like death...

Consider the Tao of Pooh. The two wisemen taste the vinegar (life's bad experiences) and see it as bitter. The Tao wiseman drinks from the vinegar and sees it as sweet, because he learned a new lesson in life and experienced something new. He became a better person, and he allowed the negatives to better him, and turn into positives

I know I have mental issues which I should seek help for, but I don't want to be labeled a crazy. I especially have extreme paranoia issues. The only person Ive ever told detail to is my husband.

You aren't crazy hun. You'd be surprised how many people actually need a therapist or psychoanalyst, but chose not to have one. To be honest, nothing has helped me better than that, considering what I've gone through the past few months. Getting help has changed my outlook on all of the bad things that happen. Don't feel worse for your weaknesses, because truth is we all have them

I ended up saying no to dope today... Even though the physical pain is so bad. He kept trying to get me to get some, but I kept to saying no even though it was so tempting. I guess that's a step.

Congratulations. Don't feel like you need to do this all at once, and don't feel down if you ever fail. It's all about working yourself up When you go one step forward and two steps back, you simply go two more forward. It's okay to fail. We're all rooting for you.

 

[TheMiddleWay]

Thanks guys for the replies... Ive been on a phone sending this, but does everyone see the end cut off? I asked questions but it appears cut off to me.

I ended up saying no to dope today... Even though the physical pain is so bad. He kept trying to get me to get some, but I kept to saying no even though it was so tempting. I guess that's a step.

Im so bleh... Not sure what to think or do.

Saying no when drugs are available and you're in withdrawal is pretty special. I'd recommend imodium for withdrawal. Cheap and works well.

But as mentioned above one failure is not total failure, not even close. If you can resist all the better.

 

[herbavore]

Thanks guys for the replies... Ive been on a phone sending this, but does everyone see the end cut off? I asked questions but it appears cut off to me.

I ended up saying no to dope today... Even though the physical pain is so bad. He kept trying to get me to get some, but I kept to saying no even though it was so tempting. I guess that's a step.

Im so bleh... Not sure what to think or do.

That's a HUGE step!

Did your husband want you to get some because you were in such pain or because he doesn't support you trying to stop?

 

[shady4091]

^ No kidding, that's a hell of a lot better than a lot of people (myself including) could do. I believe you're well on your way already. Way to go!

 

[Silenced]

That's a HUGE step!

Did your husband want you to get some because you were in such pain or because he doesn't support you trying to stop?

It is a mixture of both... But Im the one who got him into this so part of me feels guilty because I know he has an addictive personality. Im the one with the dope connect, too... So I have to get it. I don't like going to the neighborhood I have to go to either... Getting robbed at gunpoint is never fun...

Thanks everyone... I thank you all for the great support... And it is always nice to hear that if I fail, I can always move ahead again... Thanks again everyone!

. My husband keeps bugging me to get some tomorrow... I feel terribl cuz I snapped on him... Was really mean instead of just trying to talk... Bleh... Stupid withdrawa making me a raging bitch.

 

[TheMiddleWay]

You fail if you die, using once is not failure, just a small stumble.

I would not introduce your husband to your connect. This would turn out bad. Also, if you're going to a questionable area you stand out. woman driving into the hood is a bullseye to some messed up people, think about that if you feel the urge. I know I've done some pretty irrational things to get high, but it certainly helps limit motivation if it is a pain/dangerous.

 

[Silenced]

You fail if you die, using once is not failure, just a small stumble.

I would not introduce your husband to your connect. This would turn out bad. Also, if you're going to a questionable area you stand out. woman driving into the hood is a bullseye to some messed up people, think about that if you feel the urge. I know I've done some pretty irrational things to get high, but it certainly helps limit motivation if it is a pain/dangerous.

I just feel such guilt because I created this mess in just a few years... I turned my husband into an addict knowing well that he has an addictive personality, so part of me feels great guilt for this and it is my weakness when I run out.

It is where I grew up that I go, but that doesnt make it safe and especially not around heroin addicts. My guy I get it from at least Ive know since I was a kid, so I dont feel so unsafe withem, it is just getting there safe to begin with. Heh.

Bleh. I dont know what to do... Im so depressed this morning. Part of me wants to say go for it and the part says think wisely.

 

[TheMiddleWay]

I just feel such guilt because I created this mess in just a few years... I turned my husband into an addict knowing well that he has an addictive personality, so part of me feels great guilt for this and it is my weakness when I run out.

It is where I grew up that I go, but that doesnt make it safe and especially not around heroin addicts. My guy I get it from at least Ive know since I was a kid, so I dont feel so unsafe withem, it is just getting there safe to begin with. Heh.

Bleh. I dont know what to do... Im so depressed this morning. Part of me wants to say go for it and the part says think wisely.

Listen to the latter part, get out some paper, and write down things you could better spend the money to enhance your lives positively. Write down all the negatives buying dope will reinforce. If your husband is in withdrawal go to walmart and buy generic imodium, it will kill most symptoms, even cravings amazingly

Every time you feel like buying a sack pull out the list and read it.

You may need some open communication with your husband o/ this matter. It is not all your fault, he started to use, he's an adult.

You can change this, make it into something positive. Get through it together. You'll see how strong you two are. It could be beneficial, make sure it is.

Get your husband to add stuff to this list, mark a set number of days, and reward yourselves with a productive non-drug item or activity. You obviously deeply care for your husband, you can get through this. You will both get through this stronger

 

[Dave]

^ Just be careful on how much you take. While it isn't well documented, there is still an overdose risk for loperamide. Titrate up the dose until you find what is needed to make the withdrawals bearable, not disappear. And be sure to taper off if you use it regularly to stem the withdrawals; the discontinuation from loperamide is weaker than 'active' opioids, it is still there.

 

[TheMiddleWay]

^ Just be careful on how much you take. While it isn't well documented, there is still an overdose risk for loperamide. Titrate up the dose until you find what is needed to make the withdrawals bearable, not disappear. And be sure to taper off if you use it regularly to stem the withdrawals; the discontinuation from loperamide is weaker than 'active' opioids, it is still there.

I've always assumed the overdose wouldn't be from toxicity or opioid CNS depression but rather the paralyzing of gut muscles by basically eradicating gut motility making a intestinal impaction possible? What do you think?

What's for certain is it's exceedingly unlikely you will experience anything negative if you follow Dave's fantastic advise.

I thought it was b/s when I, first read about loperamide, then when I tried it I was so pissed I had been skeptical. It's really easy to taper as well since your not getting high, just lowering peripheral opioids receptors dependence slowly.

 

[Silenced]

Ugh... Pain was so bad, i gave in

 

[badfish45]

One step forward and two steps back, means you need to take one more step. Tell your husband not to pressure you into using if you're intending to quit.

 

[shady4091]

One step forward and two steps back, means you need to take one more step. Tell your husband not to pressure you into using if you're intending to quit.

I agree, your husband needs to back off. If he wants to continue using tell him to do it on his own accord and stop making you pick it up. That's total bullshit, honestly.