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Why Suicide Could Be the Answer

closeau said:
Cosmic Trigger, what can I say? That was very unique. I love music and have a strange fascination with suicide so I liked it. I always like your posts. This one takes the cake.
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I'm almost always fascinated with whatever polite society rejects and hates/fears. There truth lies imo. That's why I'm such a big fan of The Doors still after all these lonely years.
 
A few years ago I did not believe, that 90% of those lyrics are the truth (maybe 100% did not research everything) :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2frJ3e0hxPE

Edit : I still don't dig David Icke. I don't believe in this extraterrestrial stuff (from his lectures), but that may also change in the future. Could be, that they also covered that good.
 
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Same here but I finally did some of my own research on the possibility of extraterrestrial involvement with humankind and came away after calling bs on the whole idea for 30 years partially convinced. There are a few well thought out and researched youtube's that really kind of freaked me out. If true the involvement for the most part is far from benign. It's always hard to know what is the wheat and what is the chaff but it might not be all in the realm of the conspiracy nutters. I'm beginning to side with the idea of conspiracy more and more in more and more areas of life. That scares me to no end.
 
Please leave the discussions of aliens to forums other than TDS and other threads than this one. Thank you.
 
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Moreaux..I've been chronically ill pretty much all my life and the last 2 years have been brutal. I went from being the strong one who's back everyone stood on to get where they are today to sometimes weeks in the hospital and barely picking my head off my pillow.

Coast..I get every single thing you feel. Every. Single.Thing. The waves can be debilitating.

Erikmen..I also believe God doesn't give you what you can't handle. I've never felt so incredibly broken and defeated in all my life. I've also never thought of suicide as much as I have lately. I can't help but feel like maybe I'm done handling things..that sounds stupid but I've always been so analytical all my life and after many hours of debating with my own head,this seems to be the answer. I know how incredibly dumb this sounds..lol..buts it's just how I rationalize it.

The one thing that keeps me from the plunge is knowing how it will affect my kids. My girls are in their 20's and my son will turn 18 in a couple of weeks. It's almost like I set goals..for example.. I couldn't it do it in June because it's my daughters birthday and my son is graduating from high school..I can't do it now because of my son's birthday..etc. July was a no-no because we were going to Niagara Falls. It was also a decent month with my health..my pain was well controlled also. Now I'm right back where I've started. Jeez..how incredibly stupid this all sounds.

I've never told anyone all this..it's been very cathartic. I refuse to go back to therapy because I feel like all I did was rehash the same old shit over and over which made everything worse, not better. I look at someone like Herbavore and think to myself..how incredibly weak I am. She's lost her son..gets up everyday and helps everyone and I barely can get out of bed.

Sorry for the epic I've just laid out. I guess after lurking for so long I feel like I know everyone.
 
Hi Ghetto Diva, you are in the right place. First of all nothing you said sounds dumb at all. You make perfect sense to me. If your that Sick your frelings are understandable. My goodness I can't imagine being in and out of hospital. That must be very difficult. I suffer from chronic pain so I understand about that aspect of your health.

Personally my kids save me from taking the plunge Their younger than yours but kids are kids at any age. They need you, sick or not, you know? You sound like a very compassionate person. I really could go on for awhile but I'll just say I hoe your health improves and your life gets lighter to handle. You will be in my thoughts Take care
 
Ghetto Diva said:
I look at someone like Herbavore and think to myself..how incredibly weak I am. She's lost her son..gets up everyday and helps everyone and I barely can get out of bed.
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Hey, never compare your pain (or anything else about yourself) to anyone else because most of us will judge ourselves on the inadequate end of the comparison and that just isn't true. The truth is that I was so destroyed by my son's death that I was suicidal, I lost myself and my will to live and , like you with your kids, it was only the guilt I felt when I considered my older son and my mom that kept me from following him. But here is the secret you need to know: when you are so broken by pain or by loss or by existential despair that you would willingly walk out of your whole life and everything in it, you are presented with an amazing opportunity: you are made aware of the magnitude of suffering not only in your own life but all around you , in everyone's life. You may become more compassionate because of that brokenness or you may shut down completely. The Buddhists call this a choice. I'm not sure whether I chose life or whether I simply let life choose me, but it made me a more spiritual person and for that I am grateful.

living in constant pain is not something that I can claim though I do live with constant discomfort and occasional (during each day) true pain. It wears you down like nothing else except maybe prison. You are incredibly strong to be able to navigate your physical pain and the concurrent psychological pain that comes with it. You may think that setting those goals for your kids' birthdays, graduations etc makes you weak but I think that is a very good strategy for getting you through what sounds like a devastating life change. Give yourself compassion for all you have lost: your health, your perceived role in life as the "strong one" that others depended on. These are true losses and they deserve mourning.

To closeau and you and everyone that writes in the chronic pain thread please know that I come to Bluelight not so much to help people but to be helped myself. I gain strength from this community of honest human beings reaching out to each other and for me it is a way to stay true to the memory of my late son. He had such a big heart, especially for those brave enough to show their human frailty, flaws and weaknesses. That is why in my own parallel universe in my head strength=weakness, weakness=strength. Our culture confuses hiding and obscuring and presenting a stoic face as strength. I think that way of thinking kills good people.<3
 
herbavore said:
I come to Bluelight not so much to help people but to be helped myself.
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Ditto. I'm no nearly as interested in helping out other on BL as I am in helping myself out by coming on BL. I help myself my challenging myself to put myself and my thinking out there, to get vulnerable at least a little bit and to open myself up for criticism, because that is how I learn and grow. I cannot thank you all for everything you do for me.

Each and every one of you who have become my friends through my interaction with this community, here and in SL, and BL more generally. Thank you. You have no idea how much it has benefited me and how much I love you all. I might not know all of you as well as I know some of you, but I will be forever in your debt, each and every one of you.
 
I have a problem with hapinness too. A guy in this forum advised me just to try to appriciate what I have and not hating my life for what I don't. This advise has been kind of helpfull for me, I hope it will be for you as well.
For me, suicide isn't the answer. Just find something worth-fighting for, and fight for it to death if needed. Still a better choise than killing your self.
 
Cosmic Trigger said:
Here's my song these days. For me there is hope in nonexistence.
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This is freaky to find this here because I was talking about suicide on Twitter and someone posted this. Not in a mean way, like go ahead and do it. They were just showing me the lyrics. I NEVER liked the music to Mash, it always made me depressed beyond belief. I never knew the lyrics. What a bummer.
 
I almost lost my life the other night messing around with poppy seeds. Those who say they do nothing and pods are better, HA! This was the best brand and I should have started at a lower dose since it was a new brand. At first it took like an hour to kick in and I was like "Ok, this feels good." As each hour passed, I got higher and higher, my nose was itching furiously. I didn't want to lie down and dwell on bad thoughts so I paced my house a million times. I called out "Please God help me through this. Please." A few times I felt like I was close to dying, my heart was giving out on me. I felt like my body was shutting down. I got ice and let it melt down my face and back. Anything to keep my body trying to work or scare it into shock. After hours and hours of this torment, I couldn't believe how stupid I was. Sometimes I use poppy to relax, but I highly underestimated this brand. Being close to death is scary. It made me realize I'm afraid to live and I'm afraid to die too. I was thinking of adding more seeds when I first made my tea, but if I had, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here right now. The thing that still amazes me is how I kept getting higher and higher as time went on. It was the scariest feeling ever.

I still don't want to live, but after fighting for my life after almost OD'ing on morphine, almost dying is frightening. I don't know what to do. I just don't want to be here. The sun comes up and I almost want to cry. It's like "Really? Another day of this shit?" I try to sleep it away. When I finally got the right dose for the seeds, I slept all day long. I didn't want to wake up. It was peaceful.

These assholes in this house just go about their day like everything is perfectly fine. I really DON'T get it. Everyone functions except me. I don't want my life. Maybe they're happy with theirs, but this is not the kind of life I want to stick around for.

To those DM'ing me, don't take offense if I don't get back. I don't have the energy to keep up, but thank you for reaching out.
 
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CoastTwoCoast, that's some scary shit. Sorry you had to go thru that. I went thru a similar experience a couple years back. I could feel my body going into shock and I thought, omg I'm od'ing. I actually did the same thing with ice believe it or not. I think I saw it somewhere. It helped a lot and eventually my heart slowed down and I was ok. Makes me wonder how I've made some decisions I've made since then. I thought I learned so much from that but truth is I didn't. Fucked up as it is I just wanted to live that night and would have said thing to God to get out of it. But it did slow me down and I never used that substance again:)

This not wanting to be here thing I can relate too. I to hate the sun coming up and another day of shit. Now that it's getting close to moving time for me I wonder, will my kids fill this void? I really hope so bc this way of living is becoming unbearable!! I hate it but I'm not going out like that. There are a lot of good in my life I just can't see it right now. I'm pretty confident the move will work. I'm never gonna be busy out the seams happy, it's just not my nature but the abusive of substances and thoughts of suicide must stop. One is already about done. I just really appreciate your post and sharing your experience cause it helped me by bringing me back to that horrible night. At least the rest of the day will be ok bc of you so thank you for starting this thread and posting. You have a purpose you really just gotta find it. I'm not downplaying your struggles at all, just trying to let you know you helped someone today so think about that instead of bad shit. Take care of yourself!!
 
I'm glad the ice thing worked for you too! When your body or heart isn't acting right, it reminds you how much you've been taking it for granted.

I dislike my family except for my lil' brother. He was smart to get a job at GM. It keeps him out of the house ALL DAY. I can't function at a job though. I just want to die already even though I felt scared. There has to be a way out. Maybe I can move into a small apartment. I'm not independent though and I still need help when I feel paranoid or whatever. I imagine myself hiding out in my apartment and not going anywhere, being afraid of everything. I can't take it. My dad pretty much shunned me. How do you not check in on your daughter? A birthday card and money is all I get. I think my depression and problems put him out of my life. Like he doesn't want to deal with me. I've never been close to my dad's side. My grandmama was my link to the other side, but she died this year. So I can't stay with the other side of my family. We don't even talk.

Your move with your children will be a fresh start. At least you're trying and you're not staying in one place. I wish you well on your new journey! XoXo
 
Thank you very much. I hope it helps. Ityll take me out of my own sick head by putting my attention on the kids. Just doing something as simple as taking them t school will help me. There is uncertainty, how can there not be. I have a lot of work to do with my little boy. When me and my ex met he was 2 and now he's 13 and very withdrawn and doesn't like me very much. I don't blame him. He caught the wrath of my alcoholic ways too much. Then for 5 yrs in a rom my daughter came here for summer and he didn't bc of summer school. But he def feels left out. I'm taking him snowboarding this winter, just me and him and we can talk. He's 13 now and I can't believe it. He was a premie so he's small and behind mentally. We'll see how it goes down

My dad is actually on the way up to visit. That's great but I haven't seen him since my mom died last Nov. He's been to Atlanta a shitload for his girlfriend. Kinda hurts cause he knows it's been a rough couple of years. Last summer I pose my colon and in Nov my mom and then moved into this crazy place I live in. Idk. My sisters both live out in Cali and tiring to get a hold of them is impossible. Mor than anything my mom wanted us 3 to stick together and their not doing their part. I don't wanna hear I'm busy shit. It takes 10 sec t type I love you. Here in ten I have uncles and aunts and cousins and I'm estranged from them all. It sucks but fuck it. Isolating is not good but sometimes I'm forced into it cause no family and my 2 best buddies are either working or with their families so I'm going out to my own family and see if that works. These suicide inclinations are getting old. I fee like I'm being stretched like a rubber band. Anyway, thanks for the kind words and don't forget helping me. I hope your family situations turn sn especially your dad. Take care
 
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