Why Suicide Could Be the Answer

[CoastTwoCoast]

When you have nothing left and no friends. When you have no goals, dreams or hopes. When you don't believe in love anymore. What's the point? Music has kept me going, but sometimes that's not even enough. I think you get to a point when you know it's over for you. When everything inside is dead. I have fought for my life and my mental health. I am in hell right now. I can't sleep at night and then another day starts and I'm in misery all over again. I know the only way to get through this is to make myself work out and try harder, but I'm TIRED!!! The effort isn't worth it. I don't want anything from this world. I am just a ghost going through the motions. I might as well be dead anyway.

So sad to think how I used to be full of life and a hopeless romantic. Life chewed me up and spit me out. I will never be the cheerful, outgoing, beautiful girl I felt like before. I've become jaded and cold. I am isolated. People can come up with suggestions for me, but right now, I'm throwing my hands in the air. I am giving up. Maybe I'll feel better later, but I doubt it. My birthday is coming next month and that's always the worst time. I spend the day and week leading up to it feeling like a complete loser. Another year older and nothing to show for it. One day I will end this. I've been here long enough and it's not worth it anymore.

I think suicide is the answer when you know your quality of life doesn't meet up to your expectations. There is only suffering and when I try, I fail again. Enough is enough. Sorry, just venting.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Suicide is a very difficult subject for many people to approach rationally due to fear. It's very unlikely that anyone here is going to openly agree with you that suicide is the answer. So I'll put my response this way. Only you know what is right for you ultimately. Most people that talk to others about suicide are rarely anywhere close to being honestly ready for it. Mostly when talked about they are looking for some help. I hope you find it. Life can be very very difficult. I wish you all the best. At the top of this page is a suicide support thread.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Your reply was perfect, thank you. You're right, no one can decide if you shouldn't be here anymore. I think it's just something inside that you feel so strongly, only you know how much you can take and what your breaking point is. I wish you the best too! I know some of your story and even though it's been rough, you keep going. I respect you tremendously. You're a beautiful spirit.

 

[Btilser96]

I've been suicidal before. I used to suffer from body dysmorphia and that resulted in severe depression and it triggered psychosis in me (along with smoking weed every day which made my depression worse, too). I suffered from psychotic depression at first and then had a full blown psychotic outbreak which left me with schizophrenia. Before going schizo, I decided I was going to hang myself. Then I decided to wait a few years and save money for my family first. Then I completely lost my mind for a few months and was convinced my neighbors were psychically communicating with me and were coming to murder me. I bought a rope a month after this started (a week after getting out of the psyche ward) and was going to hang myself until my dad found the receipt, questioned me and saved my life. Long story short, I went from hating everything about myself, feeling so anxious and inept that I was going to kill myself out of depression, going completely psychotic and almost killing myself to two years later being free of suicidal depression and almost being rid of the voices (positive schizo symptoms).

Basically, I've been through hell too and can personally tell you that its possible to get better. If you knew me two years ago you'd never have believed that I'd one day be happy and go days without contemplating suicide (I used to think of it 24/7).

I know your story's probably a thousand times different than mine, but even so we both know what true hell feels like. It took almost losing my life twice and temporarily losing my sanity for me to eventually feel somewhat normal inside.

I know how you feel in a way, too. I used to be a hopeless romantic, confident, I had friends and had hope. Then I developed body dysmorphia and felt like I lost who I was as a person. I lost everything and couldn't believe my life came to what it did. That was before becoming schizophrenic, and I'd call that my first death, so to speak. Going schizo was my second (and infinitely worse) death.

But eventually I realized the voices weren't real, I worked on bettering myself, I made a couple friends and I stopped obsessing over what I couldn't change. The key to recovery is positive thinking - you have to truly want to better yourself and choose that over suicide. I suffer from completely different problems than I did before psychosis (negative symptoms of schizophrenia like emotional flatness, OCD/intrusive thoughts, etc.) and even though life sucks sometimes, I've learned to think positive and be happy.

Sometimes it takes going through complete hell before you're able to feel heaven.

I'm here for you, too, btw. You can message me (I was gonna inbox you but since I'm new I can't send more than one message every couple hours and I sent one before seeing your post) and even add me on Skype if you want (inbox me for my skype name).

I really hope you find happiness and choose life over death. You have it in you, just believe that and have faith in yourself.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Your reply was perfect, thank you. You're right, no one can decide if you shouldn't be here anymore. I think it's just something inside that you feel so strongly, only you know how much you can take and what your breaking point is. I wish you the best too! I know some of your story and even though it's been rough, you keep going. I respect you tremendously. You're a beautiful spirit.

Well thank you. You words made this night a little easier for me. I know some of what you are feeling. I know the struggle. I had a friend who chose finally to end his life and I love him. I know the quality person he was. I'm not just saying that. He was a good, strong and beautiful man. Nothing he did makes me love him less. Like your friend above feel free to PM me if you ever want a private chat.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

I appreciate that and I'm really sorry you lost your friend. *HUGS*

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

I know your story's probably a thousand times different than mine, but even so we both know what true hell feels like. It took almost losing my life twice and temporarily losing my sanity for me to eventually feel somewhat normal inside.

I know how you feel in a way, too. I used to be a hopeless romantic, confident, I had friends and had hope. Then I developed body dysmorphia and felt like I lost who I was as a person. I lost everything and couldn't believe my life came to what it did. That was before becoming schizophrenic, and I'd call that my first death, so to speak. Going schizo was my second (and infinitely worse) death.

But eventually I realized the voices weren't real, I worked on bettering myself, I made a couple friends and I stopped obsessing over what I couldn't change. The key to recovery is positive thinking - you have to truly want to better yourself and choose that over suicide. I suffer from completely different problems than I did before psychosis (negative symptoms of schizophrenia like emotional flatness, OCD/intrusive thoughts, etc.) and even though life sucks sometimes, I've learned to think positive and be happy.

Sometimes it takes going through complete hell before you're able to feel heaven.

I'm here for you, too, btw. You can message me (I was gonna inbox you but since I'm new I can't send more than one message every couple hours and I sent one before seeing your post) and even add me on Skype if you want (inbox me for my skype name).

I really hope you find happiness and choose life over death. You have it in you, just believe that and have faith in yourself.

Our stories are quite similar. I also suffer from severe depression and body dysmorphic disorder. It's hard to explain to people. You never feel comfortable in your own skin and you can't see what you really look like. You look in the mirror and see a distorted version of yourself. You constantly think you look like a hideous monster and you want to hide from the world. While out in public, I feel like people are staring at me because I'm so ugly. I'm never comfortable and confident unless I'm on some kind of drugs.

I knew I had body dysmorphia since high school when I lost weight and got to 130 pounds at 5'7", but inside my head, I genuinely felt like I was 300+ pounds! There's constant self-hatred and beating myself up endlessly. I can't enjoy life to the fullest because I care too much about what others think of me and my appearance. I lose myself quite often too. It's funny that once I think I've found myself again, it's gone quickly. There's no true identity or sense of self and that's when I isolate more. It makes me feel like an empty shell when I don't know who I am anymore and can't recognize the person in the mirror.

I have never been schizophrenic so my heart really goes out to you with that. I can't even imagine what that's like. I'm bipolar, but schizophrenia is another level I just can't comprehend. I give you all the credit in the world for getting through it and making it to this point today. Your story is inspiring! I have a concert tonight and my initial reaction is to not want to go because I feel disgusting, but maybe I should. I've been feeling bad for months and maybe I should force myself out of the house and enjoy some live music.

Thanks for taking the time to talk to me. I hope you continue doing well!

 

[DeeDeeDrug]

Suicide has always been a subject that has interested me immensely. The state of mind, how and when, could anything have been done etc...

Way back in my twenties, I was very, very sick physically, mentally, emotionally. I considered the ultimate solution. I've had the roller-coaster ups and downs since then. It is a hard place to be when it gets that dark. Nothing or no one seems a reason to stay.

You always hear that it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but what if the problem has been an ongoing one and there is so end in sight?

There is a line from a movie that always made a lot of sense, that life is like a bus ride, the ride gets too hot, bumpy and unbearable and you know you have 20 or more stops to go, it's comforting to know that you can get off anytime you like because what's the difference whether you get off now or wait until the end?
Something like that.

No one wants to see anyone in so much pain that death seems like the better option.

Sometimes it's comforting to know that the option is there, even if it's just the thought.
Life is never going to be easy and for some of us, life just seems impossible most of the time.
Sometimes you are just barely holding on by the skin of your teeth. But there are days when everything is different, even if those days are far and few, days when you actually feel alright. Days when you can smile with out it feeling forced. Days when you actually look forward to seeing what comes next.
Your life is worth sticking around, even if it is just for those days. You never know what is just around the corner. It's sounds cliché but true.

 

[herbavore]

CoastTwoCoast, I am just so sorry to hear how exhausted you feel. Try not to think about "amounting to anything." That is the language you have internalized that holds you down. What if, as the beautifully sensitive, empathetic, insightful person that we here know you to be, you have already surpassed what most human beings do with their lives? Ok, it goes unnoticed by most. It goes unrewarded. That is the nature of our greed driven human constructions but there are those of us that live outside those circles of lies. Make yourself a home with people that do not subscribe to the worst aspects of our culture. They are everywhere! They feel isolated much of the time, they feel defeated sometimes, they also feel exhausted. I've met them everywhere I have ever gone and it gives me strength and helps with my own exhaustion. Bluelight gives me more hope than despair because, even though I have now lost 6 close friends (since coming here) and my own son (which brought me here) to death's strong persuasion, I have seen them reaching out here to others, letting their clear spirits shine despite their own pain. You have done that for a lot of people here already.

When you are exhausted, let others hold you up. There is no shame in that, nor failure. It is hard being human. I would rather be a bird or a cat or a dog or an elephant if anyone gave me the choice. But it isn't all bad and it can almost be divine when we forge these bonds between ourselves. We are aware of our alone-ness and it scares the hell out of us. We were probably meant to live in packs; instead we live in side by side cages. No wonder we all feel crazy. Rest and get your strength back. Focus on nurturing yourself and have patience with your weaknesses and what you want to change. Refuse to listen to the voices of self-loathing. When they come up in your own head, scoff at them.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Your words mean more than you know. I can't help but feel selfish complaining when you've lost your son and many other people. I'm sorry. Your post touched me a lot and I feel undeserving of such nice things said about me. There's usually guilt that comes after expressing my emotions so I try my best to bottle all of this up, but it seems like it's been worst than ever lately. I had to say something and I'm thankful for this outlet and amazing people like you guys here who genuinely take the time out to respond and care.

I'm just going to lay low and try to ride this out. Thanks again. XoXo

 

[OneEyedRonnie]

It can be a hard go living in this crazy old world. When you're up you feel like you'll never come down and when you're down it often seems like there's no end in sight. I have often taken comfort in the option of suicide as an out if things ever got too bad. They have gotten pretty bad at times. I'm very sorry to hear that you're hurting, truly. As someone who also bottles up their feelings, I get it. It is good to get things off your chest though--to express your feelings to other people.

I'm glad you created this thread to express how you feel and share your suffering. You don't have to go through this alone. Yes, we're just a bunch of anonymous people on computers around the world, but I've learned that there are some genuine, caring and wonderful people here. A lot of big hearts and a lot of hurting souls.

Please excuse me if this post seems a bit all over the place (phenibut withdrawal). I just wanted to wish you the best of luck and thank you for sharing a bit of yourself with us.

P.S. herbavore: that was a beautiful and inspirational post

 

[Erikmen]

CoastTwoCoast, I am just so sorry to hear how exhausted you feel. Try not to think about "amounting to anything." That is the language you have internalized that holds you down. What if, as the beautifully sensitive, empathetic, insightful person that we here know you to be, you have already surpassed what most human beings do with their lives? Ok, it goes unnoticed by most. It goes unrewarded. That is the nature of our greed driven human constructions but there are those of us that live outside those circles of lies. Make yourself a home with people that do not subscribe to the worst aspects of our culture. They are everywhere! They feel isolated much of the time, they feel defeated sometimes, they also feel exhausted. I've met them everywhere I have ever gone and it gives me strength and helps with my own exhaustion. Bluelight gives me more hope than despair because, even though I have now lost 6 close friends (since coming here) and my own son (which brought me here) to death's strong persuasion, I have seen them reaching out here to others, letting their clear spirits shine despite their own pain. You have done that for a lot of people here already.

When you are exhausted, let others hold you up. There is no shame in that, nor failure. It is hard being human. I would rather be a bird or a cat or a dog or an elephant if anyone gave me the choice. But it isn't all bad and it can almost be divine when we forge these bonds between ourselves. We are aware of our alone-ness and it scares the hell out of us. We were probably meant to live in packs; instead we live in side by side cages. No wonder we all feel crazy. Rest and get your strength back. Focus on nurturing yourself and have patience with your weaknesses and what you want to change. Refuse to listen to the voices of self-loathing. When they come up in your own head, scoff at them.

This!

 

[Ziiirp]

I, for myself, will certainly choose suicide at one point, when the pain and draconian symptoms will be unbearable. Just the exact moment is still unclear. Could be 5 years or even 10 years from now on.

If you don't have an untreatable physical condition, there are still a few things to try, before doing the final step :

- hazard the consequences of a highly functional drug addiction
- leave the country and try to reset your life

If you do have a chronic condition and feel half dead anyway, suicide is legitimate in my opinion. Otherwise I would say, there a plenty options to get at least short-term relief from suffering.

 

[Moreaux]

CoastTwoCoast - I am so sorry you have been feeling this way for so long. On some levels I can relate. Society dictates that we should feel bad about ourselves if we do not conform to the story book image of success which is complete and utter crap. Couple that feeling of failure with addiction or chronic health issues and the prospect of happiness seems impossible.

With age comes a level of clarity and introspection which can bring the most destructive pain imaginable. I think the definition of success needs to be redefined as too many people exist in a state of just "waiting out the clock" because their self opinion is so low. So many true accomplishments are overlooked because we exist in a status based material world and it's truly unfortunate.

Focus on your victories and take comfort in them regardless of whether the world acknowledges them. There is an underlying beauty in much of life, when you see it try to exist in that moment as long as you can.

Your original post was focused on suicide. I think that is a very individual and personal decision that should be soberly considered for significant time before acted on. What do you have to gain and what is there to lose? Suicide may open the door to a different level of existence or it could be absolute termination, however, your energy will still exist and will be transferred to the environment. It's a huge gamble and by rolling those dice you absolutely forfeit the possibilities of any improvements in your situation.

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this and hope you can find enough beauty to keep you here. Maybe a change of perspective and focusing on things outside of yourself can help change your perspective.judging ourselves and comparing our lives to societies expectations is not beneficial to a healthy mental state. I wish you the best!

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

It's a huge gamble and by rolling those dice you absolutely forfeit the possibilities of any improvements in your situation.

But let's be honest here, by not rolling the dice you could also be setting yourself up for further suffering and horrors. It happens that way more often than not is my guess. Due to entropy the longer you live the more breakdown of the physical and mental organism continues and the more likely suffering becomes and intensifies. I know this from experience and so did most of my parents and grandparents and great grandparents etc. Decay and death and suffering is inevitable. The Buddha said that one.

For myself I see very little reason for sticking around during lots of continual suffering in the hope that some day way down the road I might have a better day. I've lost a lot of self-importance over the years and I know I'm dying day by day. My life due to its impermanence has little relative meaning in the scheme of things. Just imagine all the uncountable humans who have died, forgotten forever. Now think of all the suffering of humanity over time. It's very hard to comprehend. I'll go with the odds because I know that I have little to lose if I die a little earlier than was necessary. In the end it's all moot.

 

[Mr excuse me sir]

As much as I've tried to will up the courage to do it properly, even when I've been close to suicide I've doubted I could actually jump or what not. Pills and booze combos never helped me, I'd wake up every time.
This year has sucked and allot of it I've wished dead but there's always that part that 'believes' change can occur... It just takes time

 

[herbavore]

And I would add that the part that believes change can occur is right. Change always does occur, but not necessarily the changes we want. But at least we can recognize that multiple opportunities exist for changing some of our circumstances and almost anything in our reactions to those circumstances.

 

[Ziiirp]

Oh, I forgot to drop my standard suggestion - besides "leave the country!" - :

Please visit a buddhist meditation centre with an authentic mastress/master, that is specialized in guiding suffering beings to a capacity building path. After a few trials or earlier you'll find a good group for you. It is the only fulfilling sober path I know and have experience with. Good luck !

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Oh, I forgot to drop my standard suggestion - besides "leave the country!" - :

Please visit a buddhist meditation centre with an authentic mastress/master, that is specialized in guiding suffering beings to a capacity building path. After a few trials or earlier you'll find a good group for you. It is the only fulfilling sober path I know and have experience with. Good luck !

I think this is good advice.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Prince died by Fentanyl and I just kept thinking how peaceful that must've been. I mean, if you just had to go.

I was doing really well at one point when I was reading a book called The Power. It filled me with hope and motivation. I even impressed my therapist with how well I was doing, I was working out literally every day and only choosing to see and think positive things. Working out can help for people with body dysmorphia btw because you don't feel like an extremely disgusting slob after you work out hard. It also helps to boost your mood.
Anyway, I was REALLY trying back then and the key was to keep pushing myself out of bed every morning, make myself work out, shower and not just lie in bed all day feeding my demons. My therapist would say "You're doing well, you used to just use such and such as an excuse and not even try." Well I stopped trying completely at some point.

There is something inside that is self-destructive and wants me dead. I can do so well, but the grips of demons take ahold of me and drag me down, all the way back down so far that I cannot see the light anymore and start to believe light no longer exists. I am not religious, but yes, these are demons. It's the only way I see it. They want me to kill myself and destroy my beauty and spirit. They have been succeeding lately.

I have been in between life and death for quite a while now. I have not been functioning for weeks at a time and naturally I feel like a failure if family members have to pick up slack, but fuck it. God forbid someone else does the fucking dishes for once. Everyone has different situations, but ultimately, we have to choose to live and actively push through every day. It's always just pushing and pushing...I can't see anything worth pushing forward for now so it's harder. Before when I was trying so hard, it was in hopes of having a better future with an ex, but that's gone. I'm rambling, but before I met my ex, I never would have imagined someone could love me for who I am and know me better than I know myself. If I would have given up before then, it never would have happened.

It's hard to believe in things we can't see, but it truly does take some effort and the good will start to appear. I'm at the lowest I've ever been, but hopefully I (and the rest of you) will choose to live.

"What I used to be will pass away and then you'll see that all I want is happiness for you and me."

~ Elliott Smith