Prince died by Fentanyl and I just kept thinking how peaceful that must've been. I mean, if you just had to go.
I was doing really well at one point when I was reading a book called The Power. It filled me with hope and motivation. I even impressed my therapist with how well I was doing, I was working out literally every day and only choosing to see and think positive things. Working out can help for people with body dysmorphia btw because you don't feel like an extremely disgusting slob after you work out hard. It also helps to boost your mood.
Anyway, I was REALLY trying back then and the key was to keep pushing myself out of bed every morning, make myself work out, shower and not just lie in bed all day feeding my demons. My therapist would say "You're doing well, you used to just use such and such as an excuse and not even try." Well I stopped trying completely at some point.
There is something inside that is self-destructive and wants me dead. I can do so well, but the grips of demons take ahold of me and drag me down, all the way back down so far that I cannot see the light anymore and start to believe light no longer exists. I am not religious, but yes, these are demons. It's the only way I see it. They want me to kill myself and destroy my beauty and spirit. They have been succeeding lately.
I have been in between life and death for quite a while now. I have not been functioning for weeks at a time and naturally I feel like a failure if family members have to pick up slack, but fuck it. God forbid someone else does the fucking dishes for once. Everyone has different situations, but ultimately, we have to choose to live and actively push through every day. It's always just pushing and pushing...I can't see anything worth pushing forward for now so it's harder. Before when I was trying so hard, it was in hopes of having a better future with an ex, but that's gone. I'm rambling, but before I met my ex, I never would have imagined someone could love me for who I am and know me better than I know myself. If I would have given up before then, it never would have happened.
It's hard to believe in things we can't see, but it truly does take some effort and the good will start to appear. I'm at the lowest I've ever been, but hopefully I (and the rest of you) will choose to live.
"What I used to be will pass away and then you'll see that all I want is happiness for you and me."
~ Elliott Smith
I can't ... even..
