why now?

[Deleted member 80237]

hello.

this is weird for me. i don't like asking for help, especially from strangers. (even though i would never hesitate to give it...) but this is just too much.

i am on naltrexone therapy. the last time i used heroin was 12/07/2010. courtesy of this pellet in my abdomen, i am unable to get high on my drug of choice, and for almost the entire time i've been off it (except the first couple weeks of course) i have not even missed it. sobriety has had the "newness" to it that using once did. everything was exciting again, just FEELING was a thrill. i have enjoyed building a life, finding outlets for my creativity and emotions instead of deadening them. i have considered myself happy, something i never was, not even before drugs.

after getting off opiates, i slowly cut everything else out too. i haven't smoked weed in ~4 months, haven't had a drink in about a month. i took .5mg of xanax a few weeks ago and it was sufficient for me to remember that there is a reason i don't do that shit. i even quit smoking cigarettes, cold turkey, and was extremely proud of myself for it. alcohol was never a problem for me; a single beer would mess me up (i'm a little dude) and it was not difficult to stop after that. i just don't like the feeling. same goes for weed, though that i kept up daily for many years, due mostly to boredom and lack of imagination. the point is, i don't miss any of it. i have relished sobriety and have transformed myself, inside and out, over the last five and a half months. there were periods when it was difficult, sure. seeing or talking to friends that i know to still be using dope sucks. but generally speaking, it hasn't provoked cravings, instead serving to remind me why i quit in the first place, and reinforcing my gratitude. all in all, life has been better than it has ever been for me.

and then, out of nowhere, the cravings came back. i mean, serious, overwhelming, spilling-over-into-every-thought cravings. imagining the entire process, from tearing the bag open to sticking myself. i swear to god, at times it feels like i'm actually on it again, so clear is the feeling, that sense of fuzzy safety and oblivion. i'm smoking cigarettes again (which only serves to make me feel like a failure...it's not like nicotine is doing anything to alleviate the desire for dope.) my alarm and depression over this are so great that i can barely motivate myself to leave the apartment, to take care of myself, to cook. i have just been sitting inside, wishing i liked alcohol, wishing the implant wasn't in me, lurking the OD and DC forums, whetting my appetite further. i have vaguely considered killing myself.

i don't know what to do, why this is happening. i have no one in my "real" life i can turn to. i don't even know that i want this to stop, really. i have found my ennui comfortable, like an old blanket, and slipping back into it is a relief all its own.

i guess i do want it to end, or else i wouldn't be doing this, posting my desperation on the internet for all to see. i don't know. i am so conflicted. the sea change in my thinking/feeling has really thrown me. i just don't know what to make of it. but i know one thing: i am fucking scared.

'cause here's the thing: this isn't the first time i've been on naltrexone therapy. and last time, well, this right here...this is how it started to fall apart.

 

[frogboy]

Well I'll keep it short Thank you for posting this i really got a lot from it. I'm not going to say I understand what your dealing with. I only want to say if life changed that much for the better that fast imagine how much better this will be after years sober. This drug has powers over it's victims and maybe you not fully safe from it's clutches but with your clean time it's obvious you have more power over it.

 

[Deleted member 80237]

thank you for replying, frogboy. i do suspect that you're right about things continuing to get better. i just find it disheartening to out of nowhere, after not even thinking about dope for months, suddenly be obsessed with it again. my mindset is a lot like it was when i first got off. at least i'm not in physical withdrawal though.

as for the rest of you: 70+ reads and no responses? y'all suck.

no, i don't mean that. honestly, i got a lot of relief just from articulating (or trying to) my feelings. everything is definitely still pretty jumbled up and i find that i'm changing my mind almost hourly. but i do have a pretty decent safety net, and not just the pellet. (though that certainly helps.)

i dunno...anyone have any stories (successful or not) about the ~6 months clean mark? is it "normal" to find myself in this mindset again? did it pass for you? how did you keep from going crazy/getting high?

as i said, it's just really frustrating. it felt like things were getting a little better each day i put between me and that last shot, and all of a sudden it's like i've not only hit a wall, but the wall fell on top of me.

thanks in advance to anyone with any words to share.

always love.

 

[sidthesloth]

Has anything happened, even minor, that would create a different mood in you?

lose a job, move home, get rejected.

Sometimes tiny things just spiral me out of control with this wierd depression.

Stay strong.

 

[n3ophy7e]

and then, out of nowhere, the cravings came back. i mean, serious, overwhelming, spilling-over-into-every-thought cravings. imagining the entire process, from tearing the bag open to sticking myself. i swear to god, at times it feels like i'm actually on it again, so clear is the feeling, that sense of fuzzy safety and oblivion. i'm smoking cigarettes again (which only serves to make me feel like a failure...it's not like nicotine is doing anything to alleviate the desire for dope.) my alarm and depression over this are so great that i can barely motivate myself to leave the apartment, to take care of myself, to cook. i have just been sitting inside, wishing i liked alcohol, wishing the implant wasn't in me, lurking the OD and DC forums, whetting my appetite further. i have vaguely considered killing myself.

Hi damonoxide, firstly, congrats on being sober for all this time. I know at the moment you're probably not feeling too great about being clean but it is definitely something to be proud of

Do you think that perhaps the cravings have come back because you're bored, or not filling your time up enough with everyday tasks? A lot of the time when I turn to drinking it's because I'm bored. Is there something more you can do to distract yourself from just sitting at home and thinking about things too much?

Also, what kind of assistance/support are you getting while you're exploring your new sober world? Most people can't do it just on their own, and even though you've got the naltrexone implant, it would be a great idea to get some regular counselling/therapy just so you've always got an opportunity to TALK to someone about things like this, and get some help with managing your cravings and depression etc. Are you seeing a therapist at the moment? If not, have you seen one before?

 

[Deleted member 80237]

thanks for the responses, sid + n3o. sorry it has taken me a week to reply. it's a strange time for me.

i can't think of any specific incident that might have caused the cravings, but i suspect it is the result of a confluence of things. finding out that my best friend is much worse off than i realized, that another close friend has gone from casual use to modest addiction and a couple of other small crises. i also suspect i probably have some latent anxiety about the fact that i am moving cross-country in a month. i am unquestionably very excited about it, but i'm sure on some level my brain is freaking out about the fact that i'll be 3000 miles away from everything i know (including dope.)

n3o - yeah, i probably do need to step up my activity level. i had been doing well with that, but kind of plateaued and then started getting lazy. the last few days i've been keeping a little busier, and i think it's helping. i don't attend meetings and do not presently have a therapist. i have in the past (i spent most of my adolescence in counseling of one form or another and saw someone briefly upon getting clean this last time) but i feel i get a lot more out of the organic conversation/"therapy" of friends. i am extremely fortunate to have an ex-addict living above me. he's probably twice my age, divorced with kids and was addicted to different substances, yet none of this matters. he has been a great source of inspiration and reassurance, and is pretty much fulfilling the role of a sponsor without the step work. it's a pretty awesome relationship, at least for now.

anyway, overall things have gotten a lot better since i posted initially. i went back and forth for about a week and a half between deciding to relapse and planning it and realizing how insane that is. i have finally tentatively settled on the latter. yeah, i really want to get high sometimes. as far as i have experienced, there is no feeling in the world as good as an opiate high. but it just isn't worth everything that comes with it. hopefully i am able to maintain this mindset. i have scheduled one more implant before moving and by the time that one has worn off, maybe i'll be strong enough to abstain without it.

i dunno - addiction is a crazy thing. i still find a lot of appeal not only in the high but the lifestyle. it spares you the effort of having to figure out who you are; your identity is easily definable. a junkie can't be anything other than a junkie, at least not for long. i hope to make a long post on this topic a little down the road when i have had time to properly process all my thoughts. but for now, i really am happy to be clean. thanks for your support guys.

 

[TheLostBoys]

i dunno - addiction is a crazy thing. i still find a lot of appeal not only in the high but the lifestyle. it spares you the effort of having to figure out who you are; your identity is easily definable.

I find most people that use drugs daily are in this spot. They do it for the reasons you've stated above.

As far as you having the cravings, obviously something set it off for you to have the feelings back for the cravings or it easily could be your mind misses the feeling of those opiate highs that gave your mind the peace & ease it once quenched & received.

 

[tass4243]

i dunno - addiction is a crazy thing. i still find a lot of appeal not only in the high but the lifestyle. it spares you the effort of having to figure out who you are; your identity is easily definable. a junkie can't be anything other than a junkie, at least not for long. i hope to make a long post on this topic a little down the road when i have had time to properly process all my thoughts. but for now, i really am happy to be clean. thanks for your support guys.

It is the lifestyle, it becomes your identity. For so long, I didn't even know who I was, I was so lost and so disconnected from source. Mine wasn't from a specific drug, just poly drug abuse and pot 24/7. But it became such a habit, it was hard to go more then a day or two with a drug.

I'm glad you decided to not lapse, I'm proud of you. You didn't cave in, and sometimes that voice is so loud you just want to shut it up by using. I've been making small steps, keep it up. Every single step is one inch forward. I wish you luck, but you don't need it. Just do it.

 

[Legerity]

It's not uncommon for everything to be going perfectly smooth at first and then to hit a wall like this. From your posts it shows that you have a lot of insight and I don't doubt that you have the ability to work through this.

Unfortunately the "newness" of sobriety does wear off eventually. It did for me anyways after having gone to rehab and other people that I know. So while it's great to enjoy the excitement of being sober, it's important to have other resources as well. It sounds like your relationship with your neighbor is valuable for having somebody to listen who can understand what you are going through.

Hitting a difficult period doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong it's just part of the process. So are cravings. Some therapeutic approaches actually suggest preparing for and entering situations to specifically trigger cravings in order to build confidence in dealing with them. I'm not suggesting this at all, just mentioning it to point out that cravings are believed by many to be a natural part of the process of giving up something that has been a source of comfort for so long.

Keep opening up as much as possible. Nothing wrong with communicating with a bunch of us online if that is what helps

 

[itsok]

hey damonoxide, i think its great that you have had so much clean time, haven't given up, are reaching out, and that things are improving for u. It is really courageous of u to take the naltrexone therapy and that in itself shows how badly u want to change your life...which in my opinion, means that you will succeed and be sober. And ups and downs are a part of life, which many dope addicts forget about or forget how to cope, and for me, the first few months are always the hardest.

I have gone to rehab, changed my phone number, moved, etc... and after about 8 years, I dont have a physical addiction to opiates or suboxone, but still struggle with the psychological cravings from boredom (even though I have shit to do and ppl to see but i choose not to -- its like self-inflicted pain and stupidity). The longest I have had clean is about 3 months straight, and then also 6 months with a few shots (nothing significant). I have relapsed bc of seeing my best friend go to jail, or seeing another good friend really, really fuck up his life. Homer from the Oddessy wrote "opiates are a potent destroyer of grief," which I equate to loss. However, as n3ophy7e hinted, are u getting therapy or support to help u learn how to cope with negative feelings?

Recently, I have been injecting drugs, thinking that it's the only thing i know how to do and sometimes I feel possessed to inject myself and scrape and inject miniscule amounts of dope from scraped bags even though I know I'll feel nothing. I guess it's the identity thing and habit which is so hard for me to permanently break. Anyway, sorry for blabbing about myself.

I was just wondering how long the naltrexone pellet lasts. Also, have u talked to your doctor about this? I know nothing about the long term naltrexone implant so was wondering if taking suboxone to help fight off cravings would have any affect.

Also, if a benzo or antidepressant or GHB or low dose ketamine or methoxetamine would help on those really tough days.

I know that recovery means more than just taking medicine-- its about changing one's entire attitude, identity, everything. It is daunting but possible...so I hear I think your upcoming move sounds really promising and exciting. Why are you moving, if u dont mind my asking (u can always just pm me)?

Also do you socialize with non-users and/or occupy ur time with some activities, work, etc.?

Anyway glad to hear how far you have come and how rewarding u have found it to be. Reading your post actually inspired me.