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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

why I'm an addict and suicidal

Well damn. That was quick. I'm actually new here, just created my account tonight. Haven't even done an introduction yet and Ive stumbled across your post that sounds a lot like me. Except I havent really succeeded at shit since graduating college. Came back to my hometown and have merely existed in this shithole for the past 16 years after getting married. What a waste.
Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that your dealing with the same place of hell that I've been dealing with for quiet sometime. Over the past 2 decades I've had deal with depression, ptsd, narcolepsy and cns sleep apnea (probably stemmed from all of the drugs/alcohol I used to do), as well as having to wake up and look in the mirror every morning and see an addict in front of me. You may have some years on me with your age, but i completely understand where your coming from. It sucks.
I have had the same thoughts as you at times. Even as recent as up to two months ago, the very same thoughts plagued my mind. I've had those thoughts for years therefore I've never owned a gun. Even a few months back, I thought about buying one just to get away from it all. But the mere thought of one of my kids finding me like that discouraged me on that method. It would not be fair to my son and two daughters to have to deal with that shit for the rest of their lives if they were to find me with my brain on a wall or scattered through the yard. So I looked into other options and methods. Fortunately, I never found an apealling option for it.
Your mind is in a fucked up place at the moment. Your gonna have to find a way to pull it out of it. You mentioned you had a problem with kratom and now opiods. Opiods are hell to come off of. I went the reverse way on that. Kratom helped me kick that habit. Luckily, I've always been prescribed adderall and my doctors put me on an antidepressant again. Those both combined with kratom and another drug that was prescribed to me called nuvigil has helped me kick the opiod habit. I've actually started ordering the nuvigil from another country instead of having it filled by a pharmacy here in the US. It's much cheaper. Some supplements that I recently researched were the nootropics (what I was searching for when I just found your post). I just started some of those and have now quit the kratom. I do feel as if I've accomplished a little something now.
You said your childhood was riddled with problems with your dysfunctional family. That wasn't your fault. I know that's easier said than done but you were a child. I know my childhood sucked ass whenever I sit back and reflect on things. Damn right it could've been better. I still don't care much for my dad. But things were what they were and I can't change the past. Neither can you. You have to learn how to accept it and not let it bring you down. It's hard, but don't let those bad memories prevent you from making some new, good memories. It has taken me a very long time to realize that. Sometimes, I do have to remind myself.
If your think it would help, look into therapy. Personally, I tried it twice back on like 2007. It wasn't my cup of tea. But everyone's different. There's plenty of folks that have had good success with it. Just research the therapists really well before going. I think I've developed some type of antisocial disorder because I personally hate having to deal with people most of the time. I used to never be like that. Finding someone that you can truly confide in and have them really understand where your coming from helps a lot. I personally chose my wife. She knows that I have had suicidal thoughts at times and with her being someone that I really trust talking too helps tremendously.
I hope I haven't seemed to scattered with this message. I've had to stop several times to help my 9 yr old and 7 yr old daughters and now I feel a sleep attack that's about to come on. I don't know if you can send and receive private messages on here but if you can and your ever having a moment, feel free to message me and I would be glad to give some words of encouragement. Again, Im sorry your going through this but keep your head up and keep fighting it. Take care.
 
Welcome to the Dark Side. Thanks for your reply. I'm 63 now and so from this older and wiser perspective I'd have to say that I stand by my OP. It's not something I decided on the spur of the moment. YMMV. Take care.
 
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I can relate, I too was raised in a fundie household and found LSD to be a springboard towards other places (oh the places you'll go) but now at midlife I too find myself tremendously unhappy as I reflect back and try to sort it all out. Once your youth is spent and you've explored all that life has to offer, then life can get very hard. Your mind isn't as sharp, your body not as nimble, and your confidence wanes...it gets hard. The other side of LSD, could be a topic all in it's own.
 
Well that's it in a nutshell. My body is starting to crash now and pain is a constant companion. Emotionally I'm sunk in everlasting depression unless the meds are just kicking in. I know what the future holds. I'm not good at meditation and suicide/death seems like a mercy.

Oh what high hopes I once had and adventures even. Seems almost dreamlike now and happened to somebody else. I do a lot of crying and I just want to go to sleep. And I miss my first dog like anything.
 
If it weren't for the love of my animals I wouldn't exist. There are three people I love and trust, and I am scared for when they leave as they are significantly older than me. I know the time will come, and I am not prepared for it. I have my kitties, and they are all geriatric, and will also leave soon. I have not decided if I will get more kitties, as I feel like I have an out for when my people loves leave. I think of I could abandon city life and live out in a rural natural area I would be set, but I don't know how I could make that possible because I would have to work and places like that don't need software developers. I am fearful for the deterioration of age to begin, I feel like I'm on the line for when it begins, though my parents were very healthy well into their 50's so maybe I am worrying prematurely. I am such a sensitive person that it I painful to go out and be around people for any length of time.

People are oblivious to the pain they inflict on others, animals, and the planet. I feel that even if they were remotely aware, most are too selfish take the time and energy to be considerate, or to give up any luxuries so that nature can be free and have homes to exist in. I would rather have small house and a bicycle in nature with animals running free than the large house and cars with the artificially landscaped environment with little life and imported plants that require sprinkler systems twice a day to maintain. Now I'm sad.

I envy your living situation Cosmic Trigger. I read you posts and think of the beauty you are surrounded by. It truly sounds like paradise. To wake up to your animals and to go play in nature - that is something I can only fantasize about.
 
This my friend is the way of all things. Millions upon endless millions have felt similar things. We are not unique. It's our nature to feel unique however and so we suffer. If only I could just detach and accept this natural process but I can only for rare moments. Then it's back to the endless churning of a discontented and fearful mind. And more so because I've become awake and aware of it. Oh come back blissful ignorance. You are gone from me forever now. I know too much for my own well being. I'm glad to hear of your love of animals and awareness of the human folly on this planet. So as I hit the sack tonight I don't feel so quite alone. There are some fine people here and you are one of them at least for me and although I hardly know you I can see your heart in your posts and I like it. I'm very glad we've met here in the last days. If not for humanity at large then for us as we will both soon be whatever the fuck we were before we got here.

I have several dogs still but there was one special dog who saved my life (emotionally) so many years ago. We wandering together for 11 years in the Great Basin and the beautiful coast of the PNW and he was always at my side. I was a dog trainer about 30 years back and he never knew a leash unless I had to do it in town by law. We had such rapport that I rarely gave him a command in the mid to later years. I miss him every day. That's a folly also and I know it but I'm loathe to put away his memory as I miss him so fucking much.
I was lucky and took some survival courses with the Paiute Indians in that area and so spent several summers with my dog and a 22 rifle and pack, living simply off the land where you could go for several weeks and never see another human except maybe some lone cowboy pushing cattle down from the high country. That area of the Great Basin is the least densely populated of all the lower US. I've been very lucky in some ways and mores the pity as I can no longer do much of those things due to my illness and age. It's one of the reasons I have little desire to remain in this worn out body but oh did I play with it back in the day. As the saying goes "I'd have taken better care if it if I'd known I was gonna live this long. Sigh.:( If you shoot me a PM with your email I think I still have some nice shots on my computer of my little neighborhood I'd like to share. Maybe a shot of my ugly mug also.

I do live in a lovely wilderness valley on the Oregon/Calif. border and to the east on the edge of the northern Great Basin. Wilderness is 10 minutes walk from my door and a fine stream is only a block away. I was lucky and retired at 56. If you ever get this way PM me and arrange for a visit. I have a spare room on the second floor with a deck that has a stunning view of a dry mountainside on the east side of the valley. Elk are often seen evenings and mornings. I rarely put out such invites but I have a very good feeling about you friend. Plus it's very unlikely you'd ever take me up on the offer. =D That smile is the evening opiates kicking in and puts me in a temporary but oh so welcome good mood. I'm sorry for rambling on so but my dogs can't talk and I do get lonely for a like minded soul. Once I get started gabbing I can be very boring indeed. 8( I do apologize. Take care friend and have a blessed night of sweet dreams.
 
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I'm sorry for the delay in response - you're words are so beautiful, I actually read them shortly after you wrote them - but I wanted time to consider. You have such a unique duality, on one hand you see so much beauty in life, on the other you see the horrors and atrocities as well. It's so hard not to get stuck on the horrors. For my own sanity, I have had to stop reading the news and several other publications because mentally it was breaking me. I hate sticking my head in the sand so to speak, but I have no power to make any changes, yet I must survive so I try to block it out as best I can.

I have always wanted to visit the Pacific Northwest - the nature is breath taking. The climate seems much more comfortable as well. In the summer here it frequently gets up to 100+ degrees with 99% humidity so it can be like existing in a sauna lol.

The nature is beautiful here as well, though I suspect I am desensitized. We have a lot of water and the ocean (10 minutes from the house) so we have a variety of water fowl, foxes and coyotes (didn't think we did but saw one yesterday), alligators (their fairly docile as long as they don't have young or you don't antagonize them so I have some beautiful pictures), and 100's of turtles in any given location. We don't have a huge variety of deciduous trees, I'm guessing they don't care for the sand. We have an abundance of loblolly pine which are tall and sparse and shallowly rooted so they get torn up quickly from the hurricanes and tropical storms.

We live on the peninsula so the river is less than a mile from our house and the ocean is less than five miles from the house so we get some unique weather. It's not uncommon for it to rain in the front yard and be beautiful in the back yard, nor is it uncommon to have an afternoon storm roll in and be finished in 15 minutes.

The only thing I don't care for is it has turned into a vacation towne, and aside from traffic, tourist do not respect our environment or our wildlife. People act differently on vacation, unfortunately, not for the better. Fortunately we are getting a large population of retirees from New England, and they help to offset the vacationers. The ones that have moved into our community has similar interests so it's nice to have commonalities. We live on a golf course, and with exception of a couple of houses, everyone plays.

One day I will visit to the PNW - and I will let you know when I am out there. It will be a little while as I have to dig myself out of this ridiculous debt I put my husband and I in due to addiction. Sober, I'm cash only person but addicted, I make some really poor choices go figure lol.
 
Sounds like a beautiful area. I'm about 2 hours from the Pacific and the Calif Redwoods. Living near water is where it's at. I used to live to fish the rivers here. I would hike all day up some strange tributary and see some fucking beautiful sights. Especially down near the Redwoods. It's still totally wild in that area. It's where I landed when I came out from Mich. so many years ago. I lived on the Smith River for a year in Northern Calif. It's the most beautiful river in America so many folk say. I don't doubt it if true. It's outstanding in every way. I just shot you via email about a dozen pics of home. Hope you enjoy them.
 
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I'm glad u post on blue light cosmic.i love reading your post and imagining u wondering around with your dog..I dream about someday doing that as I am still pretty young 28 and trying to find my place in this world while battling opiates..it would be nice to get away from everything besides the companionship of a furry friend.your post may sound depressing to some :| but nonetheless REAL :D


Best of luck to you my friend I hope we can get above this fearful mind one day and just enjoy BEING with our consciousness

i
 
Cosmic Trigger said:
Sounds like a beautiful area. I'm about 2 hours from the Pacific and the Calif Redwoods. Living near water is where it's at. I used to live to fish the rivers here. I would hike all day up some strange tributary and see some fucking beautiful sights. Especially down near the Redwoods. It's still totally wild in that area. It's where I landed when I came out from Mich. so many years ago. I lived on the Smith River for a year in Northern Calif. It's the most beautiful river in America so many folk say. I don't doubt it if true. It's outstanding in every way. I just shot you via email about a dozen pics of home. Hope you enjoy them.
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The pictures are amazing! It truly is a paradise. I haven't spent much time in the mountains, but always appreciated the nature when I have visited. I've always lived around water - couldn't image not being near it. I spent five years of my childhood in Spain with the Mediterranean Sea as my backyard. I guess I take the ocean for granted as I have always been close aside from the few years I lived in Northern Va, but we had the Potomac and would go out on the boat on the weekends. I'm am getting some pictures together to send you. You had some nice photos of the foliage - I miss having seasons. It seems that it stay warm all year long here now, and were primarily have pine trees so there is no colour change. Autumn was beautiful in Va on the water, all the different warm colors and their reflections in the water.
 
I'd like to recommend a book,
[h=3]Eckert Tolle "The Power Of Now "[/h]
if u search it in google u can find it for free on pdf

its really helped me find the egoless feeling that I
I can achieve on psychedelics while being sober and be free of the mind and just live in the present moment.taking life as it is
 
Cosmic Trigger said:
Sounds like you've had an interesting life. Good on ya!
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I always thought it was relatively mundane, but sometime when I reread the words I type on this site, I guess I've always taken it for granted. I posted some photos of me in the before and after sobriety thread, and the first photo where I was actively using was taken with Flavor Flav (a hip hop artist from the 90's). I also got to dance with Prince one time when I was in Vegas. I didn't realize who he was at first, I was invited to the show by a woman I was playing craps with - she had an extra ticket. It was completely unexpected and really a fun evening. I guess I've had some adventures in my active addiction. Now days it work, golf, dance, and long walks lol.
 
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