letherman
Bluelighter
I've been a daily hash smoker for the last 25 years (on and off). I used to drink a lot, did MDMA a few times a year for a few years until 2012 where I started taking MDMA every weekend. I was having financial difficulties in life and this was my escapism. I had wanted to do Acid but all of my friends advised against it because of my mindset.
I took a break for about 6 months where I moved away, got a seasonal winter job and became physically fit. When I returned last summer I was in such good spirits that I tried LSD (with my friends around) and looking back thats when I went off the rails. I was doing MDMA pills and NOS almost every week, LSD every other week. I was a 43 year old acting like a 15 year old. Last September I had some AL-LAD and saw where I was going to be in 5 years time if I kept doing what I was doing. I had almost lost all of my friends.
I went back to my winter job (abroad) and had one of the most difficult times of my life. I didnt trip or roll, but would be in tears from when I left the job every evening, crying myself to sleep and waking up still crying going to work. It took me a while to finally start realising that I was blaming everyone else for my problems, to see how I had manipulated everyone around me. I started understanding why my friends weren't calling me and started to find out who I really was and to take off all the masks that I had been wearing, to find myself and try and be at peace with myself. To learn patience. I figured out I was a spoilt child and still acted like one.
I wasnt sure who was still going to be there for me when I got home and am lucky to be able to say that I have 3 good friends left. The honesty of it all is that they were the only 3 who I can truely call friends, who despite me hurting them the hardest that they stood by me. They saw something worthwhile that most others didn't, not even myself.
Since I've come home I've started getting my life in order. I have cut back on my daily smoking, improved my diet, continued getting fit. I occasionally do MDMA and even more occasionally do LSD. I tackling issues in my life that I should have done before this, improved my relationship with my family and finally started doing something about future.
But this is where the other type of pain that I find so hard to cope with kicks in.
I know I'm a good person. People who I meet keep telling me that. People who I havn't seen for a year or two keep telling me they cant believe how much I've changed for the better. I only talk about things that I actually know about and ask questions when I dont. I sit quietly in the corner now where I always tried to be the centre of attention.
When I fall into my old ways I get very annoyed with myself and go through phases of constantly questioning myself. More and more people are coming to me when someone needs help or advise leading to me sitting with 4 people having bad trips in the last month, but I'm not experienced enough. I've so much empathy towards others that sometimes I just cant cope.
I've been to my doctor who has put me on a waiting list for depression counselling about 2 months ago. She didnt prescribe me any drugs, which I didnt want anyhow, told me the only thing she was wanted me to do was avoid alcohol. She wasnt even worried about my drug usage.
4 weeks ago I finally experienced being "at peace" for the first time in my life over a weekend where I did some LSD, but since then I see that my problems pale into insignificance when I see what some of my friends are going through. All the things in their lives have built up in me so much so that I concentrated on them more than myself.
I've discovered so many more emotions within myself that I've had to take a step back from my friends because I was starting to freak out and have panic attacks and the "old me" returned, looking for attention, looking for more and more drugs (I've resisted for the most part)
Last week when I finally started making sense, life started kicking me in the nuts again. All the little things I've been doing to improve my situation have been wiped away because of bureaucracy or other peoples mistakes I just want all the shit to go away. Let me get on with my life again, please. I've been back to my doctor after getting a call from the counselling service confirming that I still wanted counselling and told I was now on an assessment waiting list of 6 to 8 weeks. My doctor explained they do this to make sure that only people who really need counselling and who are ready for it get it.
I sleep about 6 to 8 hours a night, the more the better because its less time awake. I wait for the postman to arrive with documents I'm waiting on, which dont turn up and then I try and keep busy - last week I spent 4 to 5 hours every afternoon for 5 days cleaning a small kitchen and I still dont consider it finished. I get obsessive about cleaning, rubbing that same spot until it looks like new. I've found you can eat healthily cheaply and cut out most of the munchies. I cant afford to head out anywhere, I save every penny I can just so I can go out every couple of weeks but whats the point if I'm not in good form, or getting panic attacks when I do? Most evenings I either watch a movie/documentary, or recently I've been using BL to educate myself, hoping I might understand what I'm going through. I want to learn Yoga, or meditation, but cant afford any classes.
But now I feel like I'm cutting myself off from the world (or maybe the other way around?). I can't expect my friends to be there every time I feel down, they have their lives and problems too, but its just so bloody hard to do this on my own.
Sorry if this pales into insignificance when I see others posts. It's taken me a while just to decide to post this, but it rained yesterday and I nearly couldn't cope.
I took a break for about 6 months where I moved away, got a seasonal winter job and became physically fit. When I returned last summer I was in such good spirits that I tried LSD (with my friends around) and looking back thats when I went off the rails. I was doing MDMA pills and NOS almost every week, LSD every other week. I was a 43 year old acting like a 15 year old. Last September I had some AL-LAD and saw where I was going to be in 5 years time if I kept doing what I was doing. I had almost lost all of my friends.
I went back to my winter job (abroad) and had one of the most difficult times of my life. I didnt trip or roll, but would be in tears from when I left the job every evening, crying myself to sleep and waking up still crying going to work. It took me a while to finally start realising that I was blaming everyone else for my problems, to see how I had manipulated everyone around me. I started understanding why my friends weren't calling me and started to find out who I really was and to take off all the masks that I had been wearing, to find myself and try and be at peace with myself. To learn patience. I figured out I was a spoilt child and still acted like one.
I wasnt sure who was still going to be there for me when I got home and am lucky to be able to say that I have 3 good friends left. The honesty of it all is that they were the only 3 who I can truely call friends, who despite me hurting them the hardest that they stood by me. They saw something worthwhile that most others didn't, not even myself.
Since I've come home I've started getting my life in order. I have cut back on my daily smoking, improved my diet, continued getting fit. I occasionally do MDMA and even more occasionally do LSD. I tackling issues in my life that I should have done before this, improved my relationship with my family and finally started doing something about future.
But this is where the other type of pain that I find so hard to cope with kicks in.
I know I'm a good person. People who I meet keep telling me that. People who I havn't seen for a year or two keep telling me they cant believe how much I've changed for the better. I only talk about things that I actually know about and ask questions when I dont. I sit quietly in the corner now where I always tried to be the centre of attention.
When I fall into my old ways I get very annoyed with myself and go through phases of constantly questioning myself. More and more people are coming to me when someone needs help or advise leading to me sitting with 4 people having bad trips in the last month, but I'm not experienced enough. I've so much empathy towards others that sometimes I just cant cope.
I've been to my doctor who has put me on a waiting list for depression counselling about 2 months ago. She didnt prescribe me any drugs, which I didnt want anyhow, told me the only thing she was wanted me to do was avoid alcohol. She wasnt even worried about my drug usage.
4 weeks ago I finally experienced being "at peace" for the first time in my life over a weekend where I did some LSD, but since then I see that my problems pale into insignificance when I see what some of my friends are going through. All the things in their lives have built up in me so much so that I concentrated on them more than myself.
I've discovered so many more emotions within myself that I've had to take a step back from my friends because I was starting to freak out and have panic attacks and the "old me" returned, looking for attention, looking for more and more drugs (I've resisted for the most part)
Last week when I finally started making sense, life started kicking me in the nuts again. All the little things I've been doing to improve my situation have been wiped away because of bureaucracy or other peoples mistakes I just want all the shit to go away. Let me get on with my life again, please. I've been back to my doctor after getting a call from the counselling service confirming that I still wanted counselling and told I was now on an assessment waiting list of 6 to 8 weeks. My doctor explained they do this to make sure that only people who really need counselling and who are ready for it get it.
I sleep about 6 to 8 hours a night, the more the better because its less time awake. I wait for the postman to arrive with documents I'm waiting on, which dont turn up and then I try and keep busy - last week I spent 4 to 5 hours every afternoon for 5 days cleaning a small kitchen and I still dont consider it finished. I get obsessive about cleaning, rubbing that same spot until it looks like new. I've found you can eat healthily cheaply and cut out most of the munchies. I cant afford to head out anywhere, I save every penny I can just so I can go out every couple of weeks but whats the point if I'm not in good form, or getting panic attacks when I do? Most evenings I either watch a movie/documentary, or recently I've been using BL to educate myself, hoping I might understand what I'm going through. I want to learn Yoga, or meditation, but cant afford any classes.
But now I feel like I'm cutting myself off from the world (or maybe the other way around?). I can't expect my friends to be there every time I feel down, they have their lives and problems too, but its just so bloody hard to do this on my own.
Sorry if this pales into insignificance when I see others posts. It's taken me a while just to decide to post this, but it rained yesterday and I nearly couldn't cope.
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