why does it feel so good to cry these days?

[tocooperate]

it said mood swings were a side effect.

but i thought i was too smart to get THOSE effects. well, i'm there and it hurts more than i ever thought it could- i don't remember when last I've cried like this, but it was prior to these fucking pills.

but God, why does it feels so good to cry... ? i can't stop thinking how its an admission of defeat. then i wipe the tears away and tell myself that i'm so close to realizing my dreams. when i get there it(?) will all be over.

i don't even know what ?it? is anymore, or who's even left to go back to. why do i think that winning at my life will fix this?

thanks for listening.

 

[Legerity]

Crying isn't really a bad thing in my experience I always feel better after; like a cleanse.

What do you feel you need to win?

 

[tocooperate]

the drugs have allowed me realize my true potential. i used to waste my life away, videogames, endless hours of TV.. i didnt have the motivation to TRULY pursue my God given talents. they defined me as a person.

now its getting harder to settle for anything besides the stars...

i have to win because if i don't get there before the pills stop working, then this will have all been in vain.

 

[soundsystem00]

I myself, due to pride, have not cried in a long time. Next time I get upset, I am going to let it out, and it is going to feel amazing. It is so good for you to let it out, and you can feel the emotional refreshment. It is like a release of pressure. It is in fact, unhealthy NOT to cry.

 

[effie]

Crying always makes me feel better. It is such an effective way to release emotion, and I think it feels good because we aren't fighting against our emotions anymore - we are letting ourselves feel how we feel. It is okay to feel very sad and low at times, it's not a failing, and it is absolutely okay to express this! Crying is honest and it is often such a relief to let down our mask and just let ourselves be who we are.

If you don't mind me asking, what pills are you on and how long have you been on them? I presumed antidepressants, but I could be wrong. If so, they often take a while to kick in and things do sometimes get worse before they get better.. but if you feel like they are naking you a lot worse, it might be a good idea to speak to your doctor about it.

Cry as much as yoiu want, I say! There is nothing defeatist about it at all. Facing your emotions is a lot braver than bottling them all up and ignoring them I think (although I understand why people do the latter). Be proud of your tears and be pleased that they seem to be helping you to get it all out and start to feel a bit better

I know things seem dark at the moment, but it will pass - all things do. It sounds like you are making a lot better progress than you realise to me, even from your short post..

Take care and be kind to yourself. You doin't have to "win" anything, it is okay just to live

 

[herbavore]

i have to win because if i don't get there before the pills stop working, then this will have all been in vain.

Wow--I would think it is probably more like this:

If you "win" because the pills were working then it will have been in vain.

I think you should listen to your tears and to the fact that they feel good. You need release and it would probably be good to find out what you need to be released from. I'm curious, what do you mean by win?

 

[tocooperate]

Take care and be kind to yourself. You doin't have to "win" anything, it is okay just to live

thank you for saying this. it goes against everything i've believed for a very long time, but i never knew that i could be in a place where this would make sense to me.

this is an amphetamine addiction to those asking, and ive come to understand that it's the success you're addicted to not so much the high. im confused when i cry, because i look around my room and think about my life and realize how beautiful it is now, how success i've become.. but how the hell did it become like this. i dont think i will lose everything ive accomplished if/when i get sober, but i know everything will be different.

im scared to "just live"

 

[tocooperate]

I myself, due to pride, have not cried in a long time. Next time I get upset, I am going to let it out, and it is going to feel amazing. It is so good for you to let it out, and you can feel the emotional refreshment. It is like a release of pressure. It is in fact, unhealthy NOT to cry.

it does make me feel better to hear that other people feel this too. the strange thing is that i'm not the type of person that would bottle it in, i think the guilt of hiding it is overcoming me.

 

[effie]

thank you for saying this. it goes against everything i've believed for a very long time, but i never knew that i could be in a place where this would make sense to me.

this is an amphetamine addiction to those asking, and ive come to understand that it's the success you're addicted to not so much the high. im confused when i cry, because i look around my room and think about my life and realize how beautiful it is now, how success i've become.. but how the hell did it become like this. i dont think i will lose everything ive accomplished if/when i get sober, but i know everything will be different.

im scared to "just live"

It is a scary thing, it's okay to be scared, same as it is okay to cry

It's especially hard when you are not used to living without the drugs. It's interesting what you say about it not being the high so much as "success". It sounds like your drug use has become such an integral part of your life that you can't see that there is any point in life without it. It's a common feeling - everything seems bland and pointless without them..

I'm really glad you can see that you won't lose everything when you become sober. You will gain something infact - you will learn to live without them and life will become worhwhile for it's own sake again. Things will be different - initially it might feel like it is different in a bad way, but in time I am confident that your life seems far richer and more meaningful than it does right now.

It's also normal to be wondering how you ended up there.. I don't know the story of how and why you got into drugs, but I do know that the key is not to dwell on the past. It has been and gone. Learn lessons from it, certainly, but don't spend too much time trying to work out exactly why you got there, and wishing things had gone differently. You can't change that, but you can change your future

"Just living" sounds scary and impossible, but it really is all you need to do right now. In time you can start to do more than "just live" and start to enjoy life without drugs, but all you need to do right now is breathe

 

[badfish45]

that's how it is for me. You've been keeping your emotions inside you, feels good to finally get it out doesn't it ? Personally I enjoy crying every once in a while, the after effects clear my head and it helps me reflect. Even so, I enjoy the actual process of crying, just getting all your emotions out feels good. It isn't a bad thing in any way.

 

[Snarky91]

Amphetamine addiction is rife with mood swings. The mood swings usually manifest during the comedown phase, but they can also begin to crop up during the primary duration of effects due to a realization that the euphoria is no longer a motivating factor, that a comedown is imminent, or that amphetamines cannot address other deficiencies. If the emotional turbulence sets in before the comedown phase has played out, you may be in serious trouble as this is a sign of heavy dependence.

Amphetamines can make you more self-assured, but the more you rely on them for a sense of well being, the more you'll feel a crushing descent after use.

 

[tocooperate]

Amphetamine addiction is rife with mood swings. The mood swings usually manifest during the comedown phase, but they can also begin to crop up during the primary duration of effects due to a realization that the euphoria is no longer a motivating factor, that a comedown is imminent, or that amphetamines cannot address other deficiencies. If the emotional turbulence sets in before the comedown phase has played out, you may be in serious trouble as this is a sign of heavy dependence.

Amphetamines can make you more self-assured, but the more you rely on them for a sense of well being, the more you'll feel a crushing descent after use.

i can't say for sure what phase they are truly occurring in, but i am heavily dependent, of that i'm sure.

i spent a night staring at the ceiling. i realized that i KNOW why i'm crying now, its not just a mood swing: i'm sick of the lying and the guilt.

the person i love the most in the world, i cannot even tell. i simply cannot imagine her reaction, i don't need that right now. in fact, im not sure she's even capable of handling this kind of thing, she's fragile enough as is.

also, i realized that im not just addicted to success, i'm addicted to the joy of learning. these were all things i have always been "interested" in, but never bothred to really learn about. now, i can't get enough of it- and i just keep branching out further and further, im spreading myself so thin that i cant finish ideas or projects to completion. im scared that once im sober, i wont want to learn again, like before. if so, whats the fucking point?

i'm thinking of detoxing for the weekend +a day or so. any thoughts or advice would be amazing right now.
[that's all i can afford right now and maintain my career]

i think hit the proverbial "bottom"

 

[shady4091]

^ I'm in the same boat as you with the whole; the one person I want to tell most in the world, I can't. I moved out to the middle of nowhere, almost 1,000km away from her and she will never know exactly why. But I'm doing it for me, as well as her. So I can spend the rest of my life with her without this sickening addiction constantly nagging at me. I think that's a pretty good reason in my opinion. If you're not willing to quit for yourself, quit for him/her.

As for the crying. I firmly believe that everyone needs a good cry once in a while. I've been no stranger to it lately and I always feel better after.

 

[tocooperate]

an update:

i ended up going through with the detox.
i also ended up telling my girlfriend; i don't think i would have made it through without her.

i ended up taking a few weeks off of work, which has put me in a rough situation now, but it is getting better. my pdoc has put me on an anti-d (pristiq). i will give it some time.

i detoxed cold turkey, but i think that i will discuss a plan with my doctor to supplement with low dose stimulant to return back to work without too much shock. i will give my pills to my girlfriend and have her dose me a few days at a time.

thank you all for your support, i don't feel the need to cry so much these days.

 

[badfish45]

Congratulations on that It sounds like you're really starting to get your life together and you know what you want to do. It's a good thing that you told your girlfriend, going through all of this alone can be a very tough thing, and as you realized, it got much easier once you told her. Best of luck in the future

 

[herbavore]

That is really good news! Sounds like a good idea to have your girlfriend hold the stims if you do end up taking them.Glad she is supportive.

 

[TheMiddleWay]

Crying is for strong emotions: pain, immense joy, selfish acts, righteous admirable acts, love lost, love found.

EVERY STRONG EMOTION IN BOTH DIRECTIONS.

It's what makes you feel human. It's what cleanses your soul. I can't think of an evolutionary reason, it's just... So human. Know any other animals that cry? I don't

This body holding me reminds me that I am not alone.
This body makes me feel eternal, all this pain is an illusion.