Why do so many gay men do open relationships?

[Captain.Heroin]

I went back and tried to explain this ideology of mine and it was kind of hard. I'm going through a bit of a really hard time with severe depression and my memory is suffering as a result. If there are things in my previous posts that don't make sense please don't hold it against me, I can't make heads or tails of *some* of it.

Oh yeah regular amps are like trash to me lol it's like eww gross anxiety in a pill and you know me too well I hate nicotine HAHAHA. Very proud you're using nicotine hcl in vape not cigs. Cigs are death in a cancer stick.

Working on my butt it's nice but I want a BUTT if you know what I mean. Mostly for sitting based comfort on hard surfaces.

I had more thoughts to contribute but my mind is going right now - depression. I'll try to shed more light later on if I can do so more coherently.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I'm one of the rare ones that absolutely prefers monogamy.. has never cheated and never will. When I'm in a relationship I have no interest in pursuing others sexually. I've been wondering why so many gay men cannot for the life of them handle monogamy. There's nothing wrong with polyamory, but no other demographic of people has made it standard for relationships to be open (I'd say 80% of gay relationships are open nowadays if not more). Could this be because they are insecure about their sexuality making them hyper promiscuous? Is it because of sexual incompatibility? Straight people have sexual incompatibility too, but there's no concept of top or bottom so they don't have to worry about two people in love both being "tops." I find it incredibly easy to not cheat and I receive all my needs sexually and romantically from one partner. It does upset me that I feel like the only gay male I know that does not struggle with cheating. I've been raised from a loving household who accepts me greatly. For some odd reason, my family and friends seem to like me more because I am gay. I wonder if struggles with one's own sexuality creates a need for promiscuity. I have virtually lived the life of a straight male with the exception that I am attracted to men. Maybe being more "straight-passing" makes me avoid homophobic situations altogether. I've barely ever encountered homophobia. And I'm fortunate for that.

In all honesty, the cheating itself does not bother me so much. I actually expect cheating at this point. But deleting messages, lying, manipulation... that's when I take them to dump town. I cannot respect someone who does not respect me or allow me to trust them Again, I have absolutely no issue with polyamorous couples, and I've seen open relationships remain healthy and successful. I just wish gay men would be upright and admit from the start if they cannot handle monogamy instead of constantly brining innocent men into relationships that are doomed from the start, and hurting people who truly love them and are good for them. Does anyone have any theories as to why monogamy is impossible for most gay men? Should I just accept them for who they are and forgive it? Or should I continue to break up relationships (that are good in every other aspect) because of the manipulation? I feel trapped at times.. and I don't know if I'm right for pursuing monogamy as a gay man anymore these days. I think that even if I were in an open relationship I would not sleep with other men besides my partner. I'm just hardwired that way. But I can't help but that feel I'm pursuing something that is impossible and I will always be alone for doing so. I don't want to force someone I love into a situation that they cannot manage that makes them unhappy either though.. I've been in two loving relationships and both ended with me catching them in a lie from a cheating situation. Both were deeply upset at themselves for doing it and hurt that I left them.. even in tears when I dumped them. I don't know, it makes me feel like the bad guy for leaving. But I don't think that I am. It was never my intention to hurt anyone. And I am looking for something incredibly long term. I would appreciate any comments/advice from any kind of person--straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, etc lol. I think after my second relationship I finally hit a wall that I'm struggling to pass. I don't know where to go from here. Maybe I just haven't found the right person? I think I can be such an amazing boyfriend but I am not properly being given a fair opportunity and that upsets me the most. I feel robbed because I am noticeably happier in relationships.

Also. I have a really nice pickle.

Because there is A LOT of cheating among same sex couples, the dating or relationship pool of bisexual and gay men is small, and many times people will excuse a partner for cheating or stay with them anyway, or are desperate to have a partner or make it appear to outsiders that the relationship is 'perfect' but they never have sex or have not had sex for years or decades, fight a lot, and some people not care that their partner cheats on them, do revenge cheating on each other and then kiss and make-up. Also many bisexual and gay men find monogamy to be very restrictive. I have been told by gay men how monogamy among same sex couples is extremely, rare. A lot of lesbian and bisexual women in relationships or marriages cheat on each other.

I have been in open relationships with the small number of women and men who I have dated or had relationships with. I would like to try a monogamous relationship with a man or woman but it seems like very few women and men my age who are in our mid 30s want this. I wish it were different but unfortunately it is not. I also do not like how people would rather use apps and websites instead of meeting people in person, or how it seems like now more than ever there's a lot of trading up going on where people find someone who is more wealthy, has status, or whatever and then leave a relationship because of this.

I have been cheated on and the lying and mistrust was worse than the fact that my ex had sex with someone else.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Because there is A LOT of cheating among same sex couples, the dating or relationship pool of bisexual and gay men is small, and many times people will excuse a partner for cheating or stay with them anyway, or are desperate to have a partner or make it appear to outsiders that the relationship is 'perfect' but they never have sex or have not had sex for years or decades, fight a lot, and some people not care that their partner cheats on them, do revenge cheating on each other and then kiss and make-up. Also many bisexual and gay men find monogamy to be very restrictive. I have been told by gay men how monogamy among same sex couples is extremely, rare. A lot of lesbian and bisexual women in relationships or marriages cheat on each other.

I have been in open relationships with the small number of women and men who I have dated or had relationships with. I would like to try a monogamous relationship with a man or woman but it seems like very few women and men my age who are in our mid 30s want this. I wish it were different but unfortunately it is not. I also do not like how people would rather use apps and websites instead of meeting people in person, or how it seems like now more than ever there's a lot of trading up going on where people find someone who is more wealthy, has status, or whatever and then leave a relationship because of this.

I have been cheated on and the lying and mistrust was worse than the fact that my ex had sex with someone else.

This. If heterosexual divorce rate is over 50% that is a sign there is a problem somewhere.

To each his own, but I would want better odds for success

Other thoughts...

Perhaps most of us are afraid we'll look back on our past and think about all the years wasted on ONE person when we didn't have to... perhaps. Not sure.

In the age of marriage equality, gay men’s relationships to monogamy and relationship models may indeed be evolving, and that’s worth studying. [related reading]

and...



2 years... yea that sounds about right.

 

[GetMeOutOfThisCRAP]

Because there is A LOT of cheating among same sex couples, the dating or relationship pool of bisexual and gay men is small, and many times people will excuse a partner for cheating or stay with them anyway, or are desperate to have a partner or make it appear to outsiders that the relationship is 'perfect' but they never have sex or have not had sex for years or decades, fight a lot, and some people not care that their partner cheats on them, do revenge cheating on each other and then kiss and make-up. Also many bisexual and gay men find monogamy to be very restrictive. I have been told by gay men how monogamy among same sex couples is extremely, rare. A lot of lesbian and bisexual women in relationships or marriages cheat on each other.

I have been in open relationships with the small number of women and men who I have dated or had relationships with. I would like to try a monogamous relationship with a man or woman but it seems like very few women and men my age who are in our mid 30s want this. I wish it were different but unfortunately it is not. I also do not like how people would rather use apps and websites instead of meeting people in person, or how it seems like now more than ever there's a lot of trading up going on where people find someone who is more wealthy, has status, or whatever and then leave a relationship because of this.

I have been cheated on and the lying and mistrust was worse than the fact that my ex had sex with someone else.

I agree! Gay men are notoriously hyper-sexual and obscenely promiscuous (more-so than any other demographic of people). At a certain point, I don't think that most of them are happy about it. I've had my fair share of exploring my sexuality when I was younger but it was mostly to experience what sex is like, and seeing how attractive I was to the same sex. Ever since age 21 I kind of stopped hooking up--only here and there in general just so I wasn't 100% sexless. Most gay men never move on and it's like a never-ending black hole of constantly using sex for self-validation. I don't know why I am different from the rest. I'd rather avoid hookups than seek them out at this point in my life and probably permanently so.

There is no way someone constantly engaging in sex with strangers and who sabotages every meaningful connection they make is mentally stable or happy with themselves. Imo it's like addiction--it pleases you for short periods of times before ultimately leaving you feel lonely and less wholesome. Not that having an active sex life makes you an incomplete or horrible person, but when you're needing to constantly score to validate yourself and even at the expense of hurting others I'd say that you're not in the best place in life.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I agree! Gay men are notoriously hyper-sexual and obscenely promiscuous (more-so than any other demographic of people). At a certain point, I don't think that most of them are happy about it. I've had my fair share of exploring my sexuality when I was younger but it was mostly to experience what sex is like, and seeing how attractive I was to the same sex. Ever since age 21 I kind of stopped hooking up--only here and there in general just so I wasn't 100% sexless. Most gay men never move on and it's like a never-ending black hole of constantly using sex for self-validation. I don't know why I am different from the rest. I'd rather avoid hookups than seek them out at this point in my life and probably permanently so.

I'm quite comfortable with the amount of sex I've had in life. I go through phases of less/more, etc.

I'm a selfless lover and have found self-love so really it's about the energy, connection, experience, and fun.

There is no way someone constantly engaging in sex with strangers and who sabotages every meaningful connection they make is mentally stable or happy with themselves. Imo it's like addiction--it pleases you for short periods of times before ultimately leaving you feel lonely and less wholesome. Not that having an active sex life makes you an incomplete or horrible person, but when you're needing to constantly score to validate yourself and even at the expense of hurting others I'd say that you're not in the best place in life.

^ THIS! This is exactly what my last crush was like and am 100% glad I moved on emotionally.

 

[GetMeOutOfThisCRAP]

I'm quite comfortable with the amount of sex I've had in life. I go through phases of less/more, etc.

I'm a selfless lover and have found self-love so really it's about the energy, connection, experience, and fun.



^ THIS! This is exactly what my last crush was like and am 100% glad I moved on emotionally.

I'm trying very hard to draw a line with myself/posts because I don't want my opinions to become misconstrued or tied into "slut-shaming." I think that having a healthy sex-life is one that is about engaging in sex for the sake of enjoying pleasure with another, and not about having meaningless sex to boost one's self-esteem and validate their appearance/body. It's also about consent between both parties and not putting pressure on the other person to do something they're not fully comfortable with even if they do give consent. When I was younger, I had encouraged other tops to bottom for me. And while they definitely give consent (I would never force someone into anything sexual they did not say yes to), I felt guilty about them not entirely being being thrilled about trying to bottom for me. And at times they seemed a bit nervous or luke-warm about giving that part of them to someone else. However, nowadays I feel that there shouldn't be any discomfort in my opinion for either party, and it's not something you want to walk away from after the deed is done carrying guilt or shame over what just occurred lol. I vividly remember this deplorable drunk girl attempting to force me to make out with her, and at the time I was not open about being a homosexual because there were many people in the room who I did not know if whether they were accepting of gay men or not. I was disgusted by her.. and she kept asking her friends: "Why does your friend not want to make out with me? What's wrong with him? Your friend is so lame!" She was a total pig. I was literally 18 at the time. My "friend" at the time in the room knew that I was gay. But he kept trying to get me to try hooking up with a girl because he thought that I was gay because I was just afraid to explore my sexuality with women. That was just an over-all awful experience and I hate everyone involved in that situation now and myself for not standing up for myself at how disgusting it all was. Fuck that girl man. Anyway...

Sex doesn't have to be about love or something that can only happen between married partners in my opinion. If you only have sex with someone you deeply have a romantic connection with, you're going to be celibate for most of your life unless your relationships are quite long-term. I personally can go an entire year with having sex once or twice annually, but eventually I can feel myself becoming crazy/grumpy and based on my own experiences, it's only natural to please your needs and reset your sex-life biological clock. Then you can focus on other aspects of your life that aren't sex-related without being distracted. But in general I would like a very long-term relationship because it would make me a far happier and less self-destructive person and it would be nice to entirely avoid gay hook-up culture in general. I do not belong in the single gay world and absolutely do not care about the chase and self-validation that so many of them pursue. I don't care about scoring the next hottest guy I can find. I'm a serial cuddled and hopeless romantic and would be more than happy to put all my energy into maintaining someone's happiness and giving all of that to one singular person.

When you're totally single someone should be able to do whatever they sexually want. Hyper-promiscuous and self-destructive or not. I hate the concept of cheating but at the end of the day, like an addict whatever someone puts in their body is ultimately their decision and they should be able to make that decision. I hate when the government schedules legality of substances and shames addicts for limiting what can and can not be put into their bodies. It is not only a breach of privacy, but also a possessive manner of controlling their citizens that they have absolutely no right to to decide. While I don't condone cheating in any shape or form, people should indefinitely have the freedom to cheat. Dealing with the consequences (there are always consequences FYI) is absolutely up to that individual. I just think that truly having a healthy and uncomplicated sex life is also about not hurting someone over your own actions. If you're sleeping with hundreds of men every year I would say "go you." But when your'e sleeping with everything that breathes under the sun while committed to another person in a "monogamous" relationship that is quite unhealthy. No doubt in my mind lol.

 

[pofacedhoe]

standard grindr fare

if they are happy why be on grindr looking for something else?

part of the problem is generally men are quite shallow and visual and to put two of them together just magnifies the problem

same issue with lesbians where everything gets very serious/deep really quickly

obviously people are individuals but there are gender based trends in behaviour

in a straight relationship you have kids and that distracts your energy so much from you that you dont have as much time to think about cheating ussually at least while the kids are young

with gays where does it go- you get together have a relationship, then what? most peoples lives need a meaningful narative so what happens is gays get bored and look for sex to fill the void

OP i dont know why they wont respect ur pickle, all i can say is chin up, not everyone is a cuntface

 

[GetMeOutOfThisCRAP]

standard grindr fare

if they are happy why be on grindr looking for something else?

part of the problem is generally men are quite shallow and visual and to put two of them together just magnifies the problem

same issue with lesbians where everything gets very serious/deep really quickly

obviously people are individuals but there are gender based trends in behaviour

in a straight relationship you have kids and that distracts your energy so much from you that you dont have as much time to think about cheating ussually at least while the kids are young

with gays where does it go- you get together have a relationship, then what? most peoples lives need a meaningful narative so what happens is gays get bored and look for sex to fill the void

OP i dont know why they wont respect ur pickle, all i can say is chin up, not everyone is a cuntface

I agree with your notion about gay relationships encountering somewhat more of a dead end than straight relationships. But relationships don't always have to be about pro-creation and simplified end goals. I think that the uncomplicated company of your partner and their happiness does not even have to lead into a greater direction.

So many people out there (straight, gay, lesbian, pansexual, demo-quad-avatar-trans-interspecies-galactic-homosapien or whatever is coming up next in line lol) have preconceived notions of what they want from a romance. They then meet people and use a trial-and-error system to find someone who wants the exact same things when they are involved in a new partner. You never know where a relationship will lead. And you might find someone who allows you to see something you've wanted all along and have never known you've wanted your entire life There's also within romance nowadays a lack of ability to work through problems. If you truly love someone, I think that anything that causes the relationship to not work out is an excuse. People who love each other will in theory find a way to work through anything--and even if compromises can not be made (especially for the situation where one person wants children and the other absolutely does not), acceptance can be part of the process. I know that maybe I'm romanticizing it more than relationships or romances really are and I could be wrong on some aspects of it, but I think that I'm truly on to something.

Lol, my loving and loyal pickle deserves respect! I got that good white boy dayuckkk. It's the legendary goldilocks wiener. Not too big, not too small--just right. And it's got a bit of a pink afterglow to it and isn't pale or ghostly/sickly looking. The head is not thicker in girth than the rod as well. It's a very straight rod. It's perfect for making romantic love to the adult male butthole. Sorry I've gone off on a tangent. You all know far too much about my genitalia. I thought it was a very quality post until I started talking about my pickle again.