Why do I only want to get clean when I am high?

[TMNPothead]

I hate it so much, when I am straight all i can think about is wanting to get high. When I get high I wonder why i feel like i need to get high so much and feel like shit for just wanting to get high all the time. Can anyone relate here?

 

[Tosh.Suku]

I feel like wanting to get high and not likeing yourself sober, are different. I'm no shrink but I'd explore deeper past the drugs to find an answer. Like what are you running to and what are you running away from. What are you chasing and what's pushing back on you. Things like that.

 

[skinnylegz]

I used to be the same way, but my drug of choice was heroin, so when I was high, it was easy for me to say "This is the last time, I'm not gonna use again!" because I was high and did not feel the effects of withdrawal. However, once the WDs hit, I was writhing in pain and always caved into getting high.

 

[Bojangles69]

Classic symptoms of addiction. You realize that the drug really can not make your life better because a drug is not strong enough to trump human will. Making your body feel better does not = your mind feeling better. You can even feel biologically happier when on the drug but you STILL realize its FAKE. What type of happiness comes anytime you want? It doesnt.

Thats not life. You have to learn to accept like I did that happiness & sadness are not things that can be controlled. Taking drugs gives us the false perspective that we CAN. But we CAN NOT. The real way to "control" those things is to not take drugs, and make good proper decisions in life that will afford true happiness. Think about it though when has any human being ever bought happiness and actually felt good from it? Happiness is not just something you can buy in a little baggy. You can associate it to material items but its not the item as much as the work you did to get the item that makes you happy imo. Like "I accomplished x behavoir". That makes me way more happy than whatever useless shit I'm buying.

And whats worse is in the begining thats what we always think we're getting... happiness. What do you think is going to happen in any kind of situation like that? You're gonna try to buy happiness OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER untill you become numb to the happiness and then NO LONGER can you even feel it anymore. THATS what happened to me. I kept getting high and getting high expecting to feel happy like I use to and ALL I EVER FELT was sadness and depression. I killed that frame of reference with an artificially induced emotion that flattened out every other emotion I could possibly have. And soon you will feel so fucking lost on drugs not being able to identify if ANY emotions you're feeling are real.

Not sure if you can understand what I'm saying but damn its rough. You have to make a choice to end the cycle and never look back. Thats when you'll start to see what real happiness looks like again. And you'll also start feeling a lot less confused about life imo.

 

[Legerity]

Yeah it's pretty easy to be motivated to accomplish something when you're feeling on top of the world. The negative effects of a substance can also be motivating. The ups and downs even out somehow so we're left with making decisions back in our ordinary state.

Do you feel unwell when you're not high?

 

[Deleted member 175441]

because a drug is not strong enough to trump human will

this blew my mind.

edit: in the context

 

[n3ophy7e]

I hate it so much, when I am straight all i can think about is wanting to get high. When I get high I wonder why i feel like i need to get high so much and feel like shit for just wanting to get high all the time. Can anyone relate here?

Yep, I can definitely relate. I suspect it's much more common than you might think, for all different types of addicts. I'm an alcoholic and I often plan to get sober when I'm still drunk. Throughout the next day I'll still be feeling firm about my decision to not drink, but as the afternoon wears on my cravings get stronger and stronger, until I cave in and need a drink. I'm sure many other addicts can relate, so you're definitely not alone

 

[fivelinefury]

Yup I can certainly relate, as a lot of addicts do i'm sure. If i'm in a good enough frame of mind before drinking/using, then I wont feel the guilt I do if feeling otherwise before using. I reckon because nowadays i'm not getting so strongly high as in the past, so i'm still just straight enough to think "what am I doing, I'm stupid, shouldn't be doing this, etc".

 

[Miss_Mush]

Yep, i feel like this every time i smoke.

The older i get, the more i stress about what i must be doing to my body, but i cant stop.

I love being wasted, but i hate that i cant even go one day without cones. I even smoke when Im at home alone just because i can, and i always think 'oh i could quit if i wanted to, easy!'

Grrr. Damn weed for being so enjoyable and such a fucker at the same time.

 

[TJ5]

I think just about every addict has felt that way and asked themselves the same question. When you're high, (even when you know you've been getting high too often & probably suspect the dreaded possibility that blissful smack, meth, pharmies, IV, smoked, snorted---hooked is hooked no matter HOW you consume your chemical bliss) it's so much easier to be openminded to actually being clean--because first off the mental barriers firmly set when sober, allows you to block out a plethera of negative signals, suggestions, and mental programming many of us slammed ourselves with--as well as any nay sayers that if sober would seem as if they pissed on your parade, so to speak. Under the influence, on the other hand the same negative messages when sober, feel like verbal assaults. Chemmed up we are either completely deaf to perceived negativity due to being wrapped up in our own euphoric bliss--or in my case allow me to be calmer and not react so defensively. That, and the fact chemicals are protection against the physical aspect of hated W/fucking/D's. Thats how it is for me anyway.

Sober...yes I certainly recall the first time I wished I would have the same ability to not let people at work yank my chain (years ago at this company I sometimes had to take all the never ending pissed off phone calls from people that were pissed not so much at ME, but the fucked up situation the company imposed on all employees---that normally caused me to act cold and hostile right back) I knew what some solutions were, but corporate boneheads never listened of course, resulting in my feeling angry at not being able to fix the problem, subsequently getting an ear full of pissed off people. One day, before work, I decided to bite half of a tylenol #3, which gave me a calm, serenity that allowed me to listen, be concilliatory to the pissed off callers, pretty much saying I agreed with them, it's frustrating for me too, but that it would help correct the problem EVENTUALLY if enough of you people give ear fulls to the corp idiots who CAN correct or change the current craptatorship regime.

But, its a double edged sword cause sober or buzzed, the grass is always greener syndrom rears the facts that make addicts ambivalent. When clean off all dope/booze/anything fun for 2 years, sure I loved the benefits of being clean. No more being so freaken broke 24/7 first off. A habit saps a whole lot of energy having to maintain, leaving nothing left over or precious little time/money after a 40 hr work week last 6 years plus a maintainance habit. Using, it makes me sad thinking about what I miss. Clean, although other benefits were mine that eluded me using, there was NOTHING that even compared to the rush of meth. I had spiritual rewards, I had fellowship with some awesome NA people I miss terribly, and yet while I dont regreat my clean time, the one thing that sucked ass horrifically clean had been me turning into a 100 lb overweight beached whale. There's just NO WAY I can willingly go back to that. I did my best to avoid being seen by people that knew me before getting fat, including old friends, family, workmates, or reunions. There will be times you're hit with cravings clean and the best thing is to have a plan A, B, and C before getting clean.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i used to get this a lot and still do.... when i'm not high on something it never crosses my mind and im constantly thinking about my next fix of drug but when i am chemically high i constantly think about wanting to stop ESPECIALLY with codeine/dhc... also find the same after an intense exercise session

 

[max_]

It's so strange when you start to actually regret doing it. I mean you wanted it, you asked for it, you paid for it, you risked your ass for it, and now that you got what you where trying to get you are so sorry that you did it. Why? I do not know. It's been going on for some time. Man, I just want that feeling to go away and let me enjoy my high as I always did, but I can't help it no matter how great the setting may be. My mind just wonders off to bad places.
Also, however wonderful and fulfilling sobriety may be, it feels dull and boring. I think maybe my life is what is dull and boring and I should change it? Am I going off a tangent?
Definitely can relate to the OP.

 

[TJ5]

I hear the dull and boring scene sober. It took a few weeks for the WORST of the boredom to go away clean, but besides getting high, I don't think it's any accident we prefer one type of dope over another. I noticed alot of hardcore opiate fiends/benzos/booze, have an underlying restless angst going on. Speed freaks, is it no accident that before picking up in the first place just happen to be ADD or unfocused? Addicts use first to avoid w/ds and 2nd to get high, most of us from what I've seen anyway. After 30 years using on and off, I've come to the conclusion that maybe it's time to try an Rx speed for focus, and to not be driven over the edge with this damn boredom, and being unfocused. There's methadone maintainance, which for about 20% of the 5000 or so clients I dosed, worked well for them. They went to their jobs daily, picked up their doses for the week, didn't get high on other drugs, (I saw the drug screens that must have a certain amount of methadone but tested clean for all other drugs) but would have been condemned to a life as criminals in and out of the system if not for this narcotic replacement therapy. Some of us may benefit from the OTHER meth maintainance, with a legal Rx. I'm not saying that's always the best answer, in fact its probably the opposite for many others. I'm tired, want to be free of the ADD, boredom, and chronic fatigue, without having to see a dealer. It's too expensive, but I've tried not taking it, and I'm fuckin useless for work/responsibilities.

 

[DroneLore]

Yep, i feel like this every time i smoke.

The older i get, the more i stress about what i must be doing to my body, but i cant stop.

I love being wasted, but i hate that i cant even go one day without cones. I even smoke when Im at home alone just because i can, and i always think 'oh i could quit if i wanted to, easy!'

Grrr. Damn weed for being so enjoyable and such a fucker at the same time.

Yea...it happens to me with weed sometime too. Especially if it's late at night (early morning) and I'm blazing by myself. It is kind of disturbing, because in a sense it makes me think I am more clear minded when I'm high, which is a counter intuitive (counter productive?) thought.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I hear the dull and boring scene sober. It took a few weeks for the WORST of the boredom to go away clean, but besides getting high, I don't think it's any accident we prefer one type of dope over another. I noticed alot of hardcore opiate fiends/benzos/booze, have an underlying restless angst going on. Speed freaks, is it no accident that before picking up in the first place just happen to be ADD or unfocused? Addicts use first to avoid w/ds and 2nd to get high, most of us from what I've seen anyway. After 30 years using on and off, I've come to the conclusion that maybe it's time to try an Rx speed for focus, and to not be driven over the edge with this damn boredom, and being unfocused. There's methadone maintainance, which for about 20% of the 5000 or so clients I dosed, worked well for them. They went to their jobs daily, picked up their doses for the week, didn't get high on other drugs, (I saw the drug screens that must have a certain amount of methadone but tested clean for all other drugs) but would have been condemned to a life as criminals in and out of the system if not for this narcotic replacement therapy. Some of us may benefit from the OTHER meth maintainance, with a legal Rx. I'm not saying that's always the best answer, in fact its probably the opposite for many others. I'm tired, want to be free of the ADD, boredom, and chronic fatigue, without having to see a dealer. It's too expensive, but I've tried not taking it, and I'm fuckin useless for work/responsibilities.

not sure if you were a speed taker or an opiate taker before hand. take if from my personal experience that when you pick up that first tablet of speed that is "legal" you won't turn back if you've had a problem with drugs before i am a recovering opiate addict (7 months clean 4th april ) but i have substituted my addiction for another it seems. i noticed all the problems you have said - concentration issues, fatigue and boredom.... you have to really remain abstinent from everything to be successful if you're doomed with an addictive personality like me, honestly.

don't do it - legal is speed is still speed. time will heal your wounds

 

[effie]

Classic symptoms of addiction. You realize that the drug really can not make your life better because a drug is not strong enough to trump human will. Making your body feel better does not = your mind feeling better. You can even feel biologically happier when on the drug but you STILL realize its FAKE. What type of happiness comes anytime you want? It doesnt.

Thats not life. You have to learn to accept like I did that happiness & sadness are not things that can be controlled. Taking drugs gives us the false perspective that we CAN. But we CAN NOT. The real way to "control" those things is to not take drugs, and make good proper decisions in life that will afford true happiness. Think about it though when has any human being ever bought happiness and actually felt good from it? Happiness is not just something you can buy in a little baggy. You can associate it to material items but its not the item as much as the work you did to get the item that makes you happy imo. Like "I accomplished x behavoir". That makes me way more happy than whatever useless shit I'm buying.

And whats worse is in the begining thats what we always think we're getting... happiness. What do you think is going to happen in any kind of situation like that? You're gonna try to buy happiness OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER untill you become numb to the happiness and then NO LONGER can you even feel it anymore. THATS what happened to me. I kept getting high and getting high expecting to feel happy like I use to and ALL I EVER FELT was sadness and depression. I killed that frame of reference with an artificially induced emotion that flattened out every other emotion I could possibly have. And soon you will feel so fucking lost on drugs not being able to identify if ANY emotions you're feeling are real.

Not sure if you can understand what I'm saying but damn its rough. You have to make a choice to end the cycle and never look back. Thats when you'll start to see what real happiness looks like again. And you'll also start feeling a lot less confused about life imo.

(Bit late replying sorry...)

Whoa, Bo. Amazing post. This all rings so true for me...

 

[TMNPothead]

i really should follow up on my threads. The drug of choice for me was synth cannabinoids. was doing them daily in very high amounts. shit ended up giving me kidney failure and seizures which brought me to rehab. I'm not exactly clean but at least I'm no longer "addicted" to any certain drug. I guess the reason i posted this is because cannabinoids make you think kinda deep about yourself and i knew what i was doing to myself was very bad. but the high was so strong and cheap at the time I just kept on. glad to be done with that stuff

 

[herbavore]

I feel like wanting to get high and not likeing yourself sober, are different. I'm no shrink but I'd explore deeper past the drugs to find an answer. Like what are you running to and what are you running away from. What are you chasing and what's pushing back on you. Things like that.

This.


OP, I'm glad that you made it through. I've found that asking myself what am I running from and what am I running to throughout my life--on or off drugs--has been very helpful to keeping me on track within.

 

[Oxy_Ghost]

I hate it so much, when I am straight all i can think about is wanting to get high. When I get high I wonder why i feel like i need to get high so much and feel like shit for just wanting to get high all the time. Can anyone relate here?

Oh yeah, every time I was dope sick I just wanted to get my next fix, not just to get high but more to feel better. But when I got high I beat myself up(mentally and physically) cuz I was wondering what the fuck I was doing to myself and why I didn't just fucking stop. There were also many times when I wasn't high that I wanted to quit to cuz I was sick of feeling like shit all the time or withdrawals. I went through withdrawals at least once a week every week for almost 5 years. I was terrified I week days cuz I knew I would be withdrawing so I'd do whatever I could to get my next fix. But I can say I thought about getting sober more when I was high. But I'm 15 days clean now

 

[Bambooshoot]

i really should follow up on my threads. The drug of choice for me was synth cannabinoids. was doing them daily in very high amounts. shit ended up giving me kidney failure and seizures which brought me to rehab. I'm not exactly clean but at least I'm no longer "addicted" to any certain drug. I guess the reason i posted this is because cannabinoids make you think kinda deep about yourself and i knew what i was doing to myself was very bad. but the high was so strong and cheap at the time I just kept on. glad to be done with that stuff

Hey do you know it's great to hear you come back and say in a nutshell "it's been really tough but I managed." Well done on getting yourself off and doing well. gives me some hope.

Oh yeah, every time I was dope sick I just wanted to get my next fix, not just to get high but more to feel better. But when I got high I beat myself up(mentally and physically) cuz I was wondering what the fuck I was doing to myself and why I didn't just fucking stop. There were also many times when I wasn't high that I wanted to quit to cuz I was sick of feeling like shit all the time or withdrawals. I went through withdrawals at least once a week every week for almost 5 years. I was terrified I week days cuz I knew I would be withdrawing so I'd do whatever I could to get my next fix. But I can say I thought about getting sober more when I was high. But I'm 15 days clean now

. I think you worded this perfectly this is exactly how it feels, for me too at least. It's like a switch in your head that shifts itself back and forth depending on whether you are sorted or withdrawing. withdrawal: I need to get some fucking x drug. sorted/high: I need to get off this fucking x drug!" It's a daily battle like a video tape that is on a constant loop. Restart every morning.... Congrats on your 15 days clean! keep on. ~ Bamboo