Okay, this is going to be long, and about the ex-bf I mentioned up thread who told me to keep it up with the ED if it was working for me, just to set the stage. The beginning part you may have heard already, but it's important to the story if you haven't, which is why I included it.
Two weeks ago he did some shit for my dad and then came over to pick up the money my dad owed him. My parents weren't home, and of course, he waltzed in and decided to start telling me all about the new girl he was seeing. I was trying my best to ignore him and how shitty he was making me feel, so I was messing around on the computer while he was talking.
Apparently that made him mad so he grabbed it away from me, ran into my room with it, and started looking through my stuff. He found some pics I took for the nudie thread in the lounge and proceeded to call me a whore and a slut and he brought up the fact that he believed I wasn't really raped like I claimed but rather I was prostituting myself or at the very least had it coming for being a tease. This was a huge trigger for me so when he started trying to leave I tried to hit him and stop him because I was so NOT finished with him.
He easily shoved me aside. I fell into the cabinet next to the door, hitting my head and getting a bump and a bloody gash (looked worse than it was though).
A couple days ago he contacted me again and was telling me how sorry he was and he reacted out of anger mainly because he was so upset over the rape himself and he was worried about what I was getting myself into posting naked/semi-naked photos on the internet. He profusely apologized for shoving me (like he always does) and told me he wanted to make it up to me.
I knew better than to say yes. I really did. But I have just been so lonely for so long that I really wanted a human connection again and I missed how it was when we were still good together (when we were good, we were really good, it just wasn't that often).
So we went out for food today. I got a salad and some soup and it came with bread. He just watched me eat. Obviously, this made me feel uncomfortable, so I just put down my silverware and stopped, trying to just ignore my food and talk to him instead. He refused to let me though, and told me that he paid for the food and it was really rude of me to think about wasting it.
It made me think that maybe he was finally being sympathetic or something and was telling me that it was okay, he liked me how I was, but I should have known better--he was just trying to add himself back onto the list of things that have control over me.
When I finished eating he said to me "Good to see you still have a healthy appetite. Do you need to go to the bathroom before we leave?"
Obviously, after that comment, I did.
We left the restaurant and went back to my house. He had brought coke and speed and needles and I had some heroin. We got completely fucked up doing all of those drugs and speedballs too and I was just out of my mind and really depressed and lonely and he wanted to have sex and even though part of me wanted to say no, a bigger part just wanted to feel wanted, so I just gave in more or less.
It was actually okay aside from the fact that not everything was functioning perfectly thanks to the drugs. Well, it was okay until it was over and he was leaving and he opened his mouth again.
There was around a ball of coke and almost 2gs of speed left (on top of the H that was mine) and he told me I should just keep it because "that way can just curb my hunger instead of being nasty and throwing up because that's not cute."
Yeah.
Yeah, he fucking actually said and did all that shit. It fucking DESTROYED me. Seriously. I was doing okay and even after the whole thing in the restaurant, at least since we had sex I felt somewhat sexy and wanted and then he just ripped any shred of self-confidence I had built up in the time I'd been away from him, which is, I'm sure, exactly what he wanted to do because he probably noticed that I was starting to be happy again and he couldn't have that.
He is also like my one really significant romantic relationship and therefore really all I know about males and I have no idea how to go about experiencing a healthy relationship with a guy. I know that how he treats me isn't how I'm supposed to be treated. In fact, my aunt was physically and emotionally abused during her marriage when I was younger and I always said that I would never let that happen to me and somehow I got myself involved in exactly that.
I'm not really looking for advice or anything, though if you have some of course I will listen.
I more or less just need to get that all out cause I seriously felt like just taking all those drugs and ODing after he left. Luckily I had some people I was talking to who just took my mind off of everything until I sobered up.
Two weeks ago he did some shit for my dad and then came over to pick up the money my dad owed him. My parents weren't home, and of course, he waltzed in and decided to start telling me all about the new girl he was seeing. I was trying my best to ignore him and how shitty he was making me feel, so I was messing around on the computer while he was talking.
Apparently that made him mad so he grabbed it away from me, ran into my room with it, and started looking through my stuff. He found some pics I took for the nudie thread in the lounge and proceeded to call me a whore and a slut and he brought up the fact that he believed I wasn't really raped like I claimed but rather I was prostituting myself or at the very least had it coming for being a tease. This was a huge trigger for me so when he started trying to leave I tried to hit him and stop him because I was so NOT finished with him.
He easily shoved me aside. I fell into the cabinet next to the door, hitting my head and getting a bump and a bloody gash (looked worse than it was though).
A couple days ago he contacted me again and was telling me how sorry he was and he reacted out of anger mainly because he was so upset over the rape himself and he was worried about what I was getting myself into posting naked/semi-naked photos on the internet. He profusely apologized for shoving me (like he always does) and told me he wanted to make it up to me.
I knew better than to say yes. I really did. But I have just been so lonely for so long that I really wanted a human connection again and I missed how it was when we were still good together (when we were good, we were really good, it just wasn't that often).
So we went out for food today. I got a salad and some soup and it came with bread. He just watched me eat. Obviously, this made me feel uncomfortable, so I just put down my silverware and stopped, trying to just ignore my food and talk to him instead. He refused to let me though, and told me that he paid for the food and it was really rude of me to think about wasting it.
It made me think that maybe he was finally being sympathetic or something and was telling me that it was okay, he liked me how I was, but I should have known better--he was just trying to add himself back onto the list of things that have control over me.
When I finished eating he said to me "Good to see you still have a healthy appetite. Do you need to go to the bathroom before we leave?"
Obviously, after that comment, I did.
We left the restaurant and went back to my house. He had brought coke and speed and needles and I had some heroin. We got completely fucked up doing all of those drugs and speedballs too and I was just out of my mind and really depressed and lonely and he wanted to have sex and even though part of me wanted to say no, a bigger part just wanted to feel wanted, so I just gave in more or less.
It was actually okay aside from the fact that not everything was functioning perfectly thanks to the drugs. Well, it was okay until it was over and he was leaving and he opened his mouth again.
There was around a ball of coke and almost 2gs of speed left (on top of the H that was mine) and he told me I should just keep it because "that way can just curb my hunger instead of being nasty and throwing up because that's not cute."
Yeah.
Yeah, he fucking actually said and did all that shit. It fucking DESTROYED me. Seriously. I was doing okay and even after the whole thing in the restaurant, at least since we had sex I felt somewhat sexy and wanted and then he just ripped any shred of self-confidence I had built up in the time I'd been away from him, which is, I'm sure, exactly what he wanted to do because he probably noticed that I was starting to be happy again and he couldn't have that.
He is also like my one really significant romantic relationship and therefore really all I know about males and I have no idea how to go about experiencing a healthy relationship with a guy. I know that how he treats me isn't how I'm supposed to be treated. In fact, my aunt was physically and emotionally abused during her marriage when I was younger and I always said that I would never let that happen to me and somehow I got myself involved in exactly that.
I'm not really looking for advice or anything, though if you have some of course I will listen.
I more or less just need to get that all out cause I seriously felt like just taking all those drugs and ODing after he left. Luckily I had some people I was talking to who just took my mind off of everything until I sobered up.