Why do I go on, burntout and always wanting to get high.

[oreocub]

Both sides of my family have a history mental issues and drug abuse


I've been a pretty apathetic person for as long as I can remember and always wanted to happy and outgoing

Months ago I was doing drugs at an alarmingly increasing rate after a few year use of DXM
DXM became a monthly then weekly and sometimes two time daily uses
I got bored of it and stopped after a very bad high dose experience and shortly before
obtained xanax and hydrocodone in explicit ways just to relieve my stress and feel something close to happy

I feel burnt from so much work and maintaining high-maintenance relations with girls and friends
I take loads of my prescribed amps to do I use work I used to enjoy or simple taskes

I had suicidal thoughts but never had any want to kill myself, its more of just "why go on," "I'll probably be dead in twenty years,"
I'm in a high stress household and elite education environment

I've given up on maintaining high-maintenance relations with girls or friends or dating

so many things I can't explain, I just started seeing a therapist and am told him a simple story of DXM abuse and he really didn't have anything to say about it.

I tried running just to get that short "runners high," and to maintain health but I've given up.
I'm sure I'm depressed
I'm worried this will continue in a donward spiral and I'm scared about my future. I'm nearly positive I have a good opportunity for a stable job in the fturue but I don't want to come home hating myself every day and resort to drugs and develop a nastier drug habit.

I'm simply confused and burntout and don't know what to do

 

[Ignot]

You can still take amps. But you gotta learn that you have a price to pay for Amps.

Those who use Adderall for years...at prescribed dosages...Learn that the only answer for the comedown is healthy food.

Taking any sort of "downer" after taking daily amps, is gonna leave you posting things like this... Yeah, your taking amps, and then shit like Hydrocod/Xanax. It works at first yeah...

My advice: Reduce amphetamine dose, and limit yourself to having two alcoholic drinks....Then after a few hours, if your still hurting, maybe some Hydroxyzine/Benadryl/Melatonin to get to sleep.

 

[GolemGolem]

You sound kinda like me when I'm in a bad place.
I'm not in as many bad places these days.
It's going to suck until your depression lifts, if you can work while hurting and not being able to hurt it'll help. Responsibilities at work and home are the only things that can make me get out of bed some morning after not sleeping all night because I can't stop telling myself what a piece of shit I am.
I know full well it's a self-fulfilling prophesy, but still, it's hard to fight.

Dunno man, but I hope your depression lifts soon, they do that sometimes.

 

[Xelleld]

You have kept going and trying to get better because you are strong. The drugs and the pain they've caused you does not define you. I think a good place to start with helping yourself feel better would be to get an appointment with a psychologist and get in the process of getting treatment for any mental disorders, such as depression or anxiety. Don't be afraid to tell that doctor about your history of drug use. They are there to help you, not judge you or call the cops on you. Even though it might not feel like it, there are people in your life who care about you and want you to be happy. Stay strong, sir.