Well I've been in pain management for over 20 yrs. and I'm just so tire of the monthly Bullshit with getting my scripts filled, see my doctor every 8 weeks. My doctor is cool he knows I'm in pain, my MRIs and X-rays don't lie. Lately, I've wondered if I could get by without the drugs. Got off everything (didn't tell my doctor) went thru WDs, and maybe thought I could just live with the pain. Well guess what...... I can't... I'm in so much fucking pain, when I can get my refills I'll be first in line. The pharmacist at my drug store are cool, they know I'm not a seeker. Tho I do at times do more than I should to numb out. But why do I feel so guilty being on this stuff? I come to except I'm an addict, but I just feel so lost, and in a dark tunnel living month to month pill to pill. Will I ever get out of this mood? I hold a full time job,and it still hurts to work, but I have no choice. I use to workout a lot when I was younger. I was a 240lb bodybuilder. You wouldn't know that now. I'm unable to do any of that anymore. I feel people look at me and know I use just by the way I walk and look. Is this normal to feel like this even with being an addict trying to live a normal life?
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Why do I feel so damn guilty?
- Thread starter Bluey
- Start date
Lightning-Nl
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 11, 2012
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- 1,247
You may be addicted to opiates, but i would not call you an addict. You have a legitimate reason for needing pain medications - it's not your fault, it's just the way it is. You wouldn't tell a cancer patient to just deal with it! Would you?
I can't say I know exactly how you feel, because I don't. However, based on my mental diagnosis's, it extremely unlikely I will ever be off of medications either! It's a shitty way to be - I know, but unfortunately, some people just require medications. That shouldn't make you feel bad, you are who you are, your situation is what it is.
So what if people "know" (they probably don't) that you're on pain killers?! People "know" when I'm on my Adderall, but that doesn't bother me at all.
It sounds to me that you may be getting depression from your required opiate use. This is actually very common. You should let your doctor know how you feel - and in your case (meaning people with chronic pain who require opiate treatment) he may prescribe something like Adderall or Ritalin to help lift you out of your depression (stimulants are powerful anti-depressants, and are amazing at getting rid of depression)
I can't say I know exactly how you feel, because I don't. However, based on my mental diagnosis's, it extremely unlikely I will ever be off of medications either! It's a shitty way to be - I know, but unfortunately, some people just require medications. That shouldn't make you feel bad, you are who you are, your situation is what it is.
So what if people "know" (they probably don't) that you're on pain killers?! People "know" when I'm on my Adderall, but that doesn't bother me at all.
It sounds to me that you may be getting depression from your required opiate use. This is actually very common. You should let your doctor know how you feel - and in your case (meaning people with chronic pain who require opiate treatment) he may prescribe something like Adderall or Ritalin to help lift you out of your depression (stimulants are powerful anti-depressants, and are amazing at getting rid of depression)
I know your right, I just thought maybe I could get by without the opiates, but I was just fooling myself. It is what it is. All the bad you hear about opiates in the news with the way they're just a high it fucks it up for people like us. I'm not pissed, I did the samething before all this happened to me. Thanks for the idea with talking to my Dr. about the Adderall and Ritalin my doctor is real cool and he listens because he knows I'm for real.
Vaya
Bluelight Crew
Your need for narcotic analgesics seriously appears legitimate. Therefore, there ought not be such a sense of guilt chained to your therapeutic use of the medicine. But there is, in your case, and my instincts tell me that it has to do with the semi-unconscious awareness that RX narcotics have become notorious - indeed,some might say synonymous with illegal diversion, abuse, addiction and accidental death by overdose.
If those scenarios were the first things to enter another's mind when I mentioned that I took such medications, you can damn well bet that I would be self-conscious (and feel, to an extent, guilty) about putting them into my body. I can kind of relate, as I am prescribed Desoxyn. But with the whole "meth-mouth" stigma and those graphic television commercials clashing with the scourge of meth addiction in the US, I feel guilty and embarrassed having to tell the naive pharmacists what it is and what I need it for.
As long as your need remains legit - along with your dosing - I would personally challenge the concept of guilt over using pain medication under the care of a physician.
I hope that I could be of some help to you.
All the best,
~Vaya
If those scenarios were the first things to enter another's mind when I mentioned that I took such medications, you can damn well bet that I would be self-conscious (and feel, to an extent, guilty) about putting them into my body. I can kind of relate, as I am prescribed Desoxyn. But with the whole "meth-mouth" stigma and those graphic television commercials clashing with the scourge of meth addiction in the US, I feel guilty and embarrassed having to tell the naive pharmacists what it is and what I need it for.
As long as your need remains legit - along with your dosing - I would personally challenge the concept of guilt over using pain medication under the care of a physician.
I hope that I could be of some help to you.
All the best,
~Vaya
RedLeader
Bluelight Crew
Ya, it sounds to me more like it's an insecurity about being grouped in with addicts, or that you are self-conscious that people would think less of you if they knew. Or maybe you wish you were tough enough to handle the pain without meds, and you feel embarrassed to rely on them.
It sounds like you are truly doing the best you can. I don't think anyone could take opiates regularly - even from a doctor - and not get a bit attached to them. Are you able to lift at all when you are taking the meds? Not saying to go back to hardcore bodybuilding, but regular exercise does wonders for our metal states.
It sounds like you are truly doing the best you can. I don't think anyone could take opiates regularly - even from a doctor - and not get a bit attached to them. Are you able to lift at all when you are taking the meds? Not saying to go back to hardcore bodybuilding, but regular exercise does wonders for our metal states.
1st off thanks for all the replies. You people on Bluelight are spot on. I think part of it is I'm over my head trying to do too much right now, and the only thing it seems I'm doing for myself is poping Trams and Roxys. I watched myself go from 240lb
to around 160lb in a few years. I have a pinched nerve in my neck so my left side is limited, and my legs hurt so bad I wake up every two hours or so and take a dose just to get out of bed. I take care of my 94 yr. old mother 3 days a week, I have a 9 yr old boy who I take care of until my wife gets home after 8:30pm. I've been working a full time job for 37 yrs. and can't retire, because I still have a big house payment, and to keep my wife on my insurance it would be $868.00 a month out of my check. I'm gonna have to work something out.
to around 160lb in a few years. I have a pinched nerve in my neck so my left side is limited, and my legs hurt so bad I wake up every two hours or so and take a dose just to get out of bed. I take care of my 94 yr. old mother 3 days a week, I have a 9 yr old boy who I take care of until my wife gets home after 8:30pm. I've been working a full time job for 37 yrs. and can't retire, because I still have a big house payment, and to keep my wife on my insurance it would be $868.00 a month out of my check. I'm gonna have to work something out.
Vaya
Bluelight Crew
I'm glad we could provide some reassurance, because it is so easy to not take care of ourselves - even when we absolutely need to the most!!
Thank you for reaching onto our community. It is my sincere hope that you stick around
PS it really seems like you need more methods of properly de-stressing, man.that is a LOT of burden to bear.
PPS Whaddup, neighbor! (I'm from PA)
Thanks Vaya, and all you other BLers that took the time to reply to me.
I did see for myself this past week that I need to stay on my meds. Thank Christ I was able to fill my Trammies this morning. That will cut off these WDs. And should help with some of the pain until I can fill my Roxys Thursday. I know I do have a lot on my plate right now, but God doesn't give you more then you can handle (so it's said). As for taking care of my mother, tho it is tough I'll do whatever I have to. She was there day and night when I was in a near death auto accident when I was 21. I did bounce back and became a powerlifter, and bodybuilder. But..... You paid for your sins, and my body and joints finally said enough is enough. I just learned it's time to go into the next faze in my life. Everything else will fall in place in time, but it is very stressful waiting for this to happen. I have to just stay on my meds. And go with the flow.
And Vaya, I will be stick'n around. No where in my life are there a group of people like here on Bluelight. And it's good to know I have a Bluelight neighbor right there in PA. I love the country there!
Peace
I did see for myself this past week that I need to stay on my meds. Thank Christ I was able to fill my Trammies this morning. That will cut off these WDs. And should help with some of the pain until I can fill my Roxys Thursday. I know I do have a lot on my plate right now, but God doesn't give you more then you can handle (so it's said). As for taking care of my mother, tho it is tough I'll do whatever I have to. She was there day and night when I was in a near death auto accident when I was 21. I did bounce back and became a powerlifter, and bodybuilder. But..... You paid for your sins, and my body and joints finally said enough is enough. I just learned it's time to go into the next faze in my life. Everything else will fall in place in time, but it is very stressful waiting for this to happen. I have to just stay on my meds. And go with the flow.
And Vaya, I will be stick'n around. No where in my life are there a group of people like here on Bluelight. And it's good to know I have a Bluelight neighbor right there in PA. I love the country there!
Peace