I just want to say... your first, longer, work-of-art-type post (I didn't quote that one because I didn't want to take up as much space quoting) was so EXACTLY how I feel and what I am going through... I actually shed a tear. It was very touching and entertaining to read. You perfectly expressed the way I feel... although I am inclined to say that I am tortured a bit less by guilt, but that could likely be only on the surface - a defense mechanism. Our situations may be quite different (I struggle with a chronic, disabling back problem and opiate dependency which I really view as one and the same at this point), but the themes you are describing in that post hit me with truth for my life right to my core. Not that I was not aware, or that I am surprised to learn this of myself... its just very... I guess touching, cheesy as it may sound - the best Ive got off the top.
I often struggle with the sensation that nobody takes me seriously. This feeling is not restricted to this subject, but spans basically all of my "research" (interests) which all seems to fall under the theme of the most important things in life that are under everyones nose... but everybody ignores. The way the system really works, the future of technology (technology now), corporate america, nutritional consumption, quantum physics, and most importantly, covering all of the above and much more... AWARENESS. I'm sure my wife really tires of hearing that word, bless her heart.
Thank you, this has been almost satirical in a therapeutic way. Looking forward to more discussion with you!
This, and everything above. yardbirdrc's massive post didn't quite move me to tears, but it spoke to me in many ways that I'm sure it did for a large portion of us (hell, why were we drawn to this thread on this forum in the first place?).
For me, psychedelics are truly beautiful beasts.
They've given me an appreciation for visual art which I never before possessed (like taking acid for the first time, and seeing the whole world as a painting.. then recognizing parts of that painting in other stuff.. holy fuck, I've just learned to appreciate art!).
They let me evaluate myself in the most painful and eye-opening ways, and to judge my actions and those of others. It's terrifying to be confronted by an undeniable truth (why the fuck you rollin' so much, kid?), and to have that truth painted upon your consciousness in such a way that you
must work through it, and see it for what it is... Pretty much the opposite of escapism, I guess. It's semi-masochism; I want to be hurt to be changed for the better.
And while I love MDMA (though this particular substance lends its hand to more understanding than most people use it for), and admittedly do too many pleasure drugs myself, the use of psychedelics for pure pleasure saddens me:
I've always frowned upon my friends who take them just to see crazy shit and get fucked up.
But I love my mind, and need to moderate my usage as I'm sure many of us do.
I've got a powerful desire to keep dosing and looking for new experiences, because honestly I'm not sure when to hang up the phone..
I feel like if I don't keep going now, then later in my life I won't have these opportunities. But college is hard, so I guess I need to seek balance and hope that in the future I'll still have a life that enables both mental exploration and material appreciation of this world.
Also, I love you all. And my girl. To science!
