Why do gay/bi people NEED to come out?

[Fausty]

Great shirt! Where'd you get it? I can think of a few friends who I'd wanna send one to. Considering your location listed in profile, it's possible we know someone in common through another site.

It's a small world, and that certainly wouldn't surprise me. I'm, err, reasonably well-known (notorious?) and having been around in the zoo community for over 15 years, I've usually at least crossed paths with most everyone online at one point or another (in the English-speaking areas, that is).

That's an old CafePress design. I have several others, all quite fun. My vets actually goad me into wearing new ones each time they come out the farm - but I'm basically out of new ones, so there is now much disappointment as a result. Last I heard, CafePress had stopped making that design - apparently, it was too "controversial." They still have a whole range of "necrobestiality" ones, of course - which does make one wonder.

I've about worn that one out, so I should back off a bit as it is now more or less a collector's item. I've known folks who did their own custom zoo shirts, some of which were. . . certainly envelope-pushing.

Oh, and in terms of good reasons to come out - proactively - rather than just kind of lurk in the closet, here's one that hits close to home for me: blackmail. I was extorted/blackmailed several times about being a zoo (or being rumored to be a zoo) before I came out, in the 1990s. If you are hiding, you are vulnerable to that kind of shit. If you're out, it's a bit late to face the threat of blackmail about your sexuality (though, oddly, I've had several attempts at extortion targeted at me even after I've been out for years - including one that's going in right now).

Finally, people hide stuff of which they're ashamed. If you're hiding your sexuality, are you ashamed of it? If you really do celebrate it, and consider it a positive and joyful part of your life. . . why would you hide it?

Peace,

Fausty

 

[Jamshyd]

^^ Be wary of sour grapes re: public displays of affection. I like a little hand holding and an infrequent peck on the forehead. Full-on liplocks are trashy whether you're straight or gay. And ya know, I think prides play a really nice role in giving people who are scared to come out and feel isolated a chance to see that they're not all alone. For people like you and me who don't set off anyone's gaydar, Jamshyd, they can be an isolating experience of their own - you might see a Pride Parade and think, I'm gay but that's DEFINITELY not me! That's cool. *grin* I hang out with furries instead of plain old West Hollywood queermos. Much more my speed, and it's like being at Disneyland but with a far more open attitude

As usual, a voice of reason

Yes, the way you put it is much more, er.. reasonable than the way I did. This is pretty much what I meant, both re: trashy lip-glops and alienating prides.

Fausty: ahh, but perhaps one's sexuality has always been (culturally) hardwired with a sense shame, despite overcoming taboos?

 

[gregg]

Because they shouldnt hafta hide.... some secrets arent healthy

 

[PlacentaJuan]

Because they shouldnt hafta hide.... some secrets arent healthy

agreed.

I came out as being gay because otherwise I would have been miserable trying to be heterosexual and pretending to like women sexually when I don't.

I feel bad for those men who are gay, know it, and who marry women and try to be "straight".

 

[PlacentaJuan]

The reason to come out to people, and to come out OFTEN, is to make it *less* of a big deal. To be so casual, to be so open, that people realize, "wait a minute, this chill hombre I've been smoking bowls with and talkin' about surfing with is GAY? No way!"

It gives them the chance to have an "A ha!" moment where they realize, wait a minute, we're just like them! Tell people you're gay because you might just be the first person to do so!

Oh, and Fausty? I love your shirt! Har, I think I've told you this before, but I love dog fuckers! They keep telling me to stop calling them that, though... whoops

People who have sex with animals are fucking sick.

 

[Jamshyd]

agreed.

I came out as being gay because otherwise I would have been miserable trying to be heterosexual and pretending to like women sexually when I don't.

I feel bad for those men who are gay, know it, and who marry women and try to be "straight".

Always keep in mind that most people don't have the luxury of accepting friends and family on whom they are dependant. For many such as myself, it is a choice between two evils, and the lesser one is keeping it hidden.

 

[Lady Codone]

Maybe someday it won't be necessary to specify your preferences. Straight people don't need to "come out" because it's not considered deviant by the majority and the straight culture is pushed in our face everywhere we turn: TV, ads, magazines, music, etc. Then if gays have parades or pride day or make out in public, some straight people say, "I don't care if you're gay, but why do you have to flaunt it in my face?". Well, little do they realize that their straight lifestyle is pushed in gay peoples' faces DAILY and is inescapable, from the magazine article telling a woman how to please her man in the bedroom to the straight couple making out outside the supermarket to church sermons to weddings and beyond.

The bottom line is that being non-straight is still viewed as abnormal to varying extents by the mainstream, or at least something to be made light of or diminished in some way, hence the need many (not all) gay people feel to "come out". If they were to just show up with their partner in their group of uber straight friends or conservative families with no warning, most wouldn't be accepted. That's not to say all straight people are like that, because I do believe the tide is turning, but in a lot of places, being non-straight is still considered something abberant that needs changing by 90% of people.

I personally don't identify with the need to come out. It is what it is. My family suspects it, but we don't talk about it because it's just not in our dynamic to do so. We joke about it, but that's it. Sexuality is nothing to be either proud or ashamed of, it just IS. Therefore, I don't attend Pride or parades or other "gay" gatherings because I'm not proud of my sexuality: it's not an accomplishment or anything. Likewise, I don't try to repress my feelings or hate on gay people publicly like so many homophobes do to hide their own gay tendencies because being gay isn't wrong, a choice, or a sin, nor is it an insult to all the men I'm not attracted to on a sexual level. It's not that I just haven't found "the right guy", it's that I like women. Period. I'm not confused, going through a phase, or just waiting for the right c0ck to come along and please me all night long as so many guys have implied...

Which brings me back to the need people feel to come out: sometimes you just have to let people know you're NOT interested and it has nothing to do with them. There are many reasons to come out I suppose...

 

[Mariposa]

All: I'm removing the off-topic posts and anything quoting them, no one take it personally please. If you have any questions or want anything split off to another thread/restored, let any member of SLR staff or senior staff know and we'll do our best to comply. Let's get back on topic, please.

I imagine that someone who lives on anything other than the heteronormative path must feel a sense of distress at being marginalized/stigmatized even though most of the time what someone does in their bedroom isn't anyone's business other than their own.

I don't know whether I would "come out" if I were gay. I probably would once I met a partner I felt was worth the risk of dealing with narrow-minded opinions. That said, I live in an area where most people can let their freak flags fly freely, so I have a smidge of bias. I wouldn't want to isolate myself from family and friends if I fell in love with someone of whom an occasional narrow mind didn't approve.

 

[Fausty]

I don't know whether I would "come out" if I were gay. I probably would once I met a partner I felt was worth the risk of dealing with narrow-minded opinions. That said, I live in an area where most people can let their freak flags fly freely, so I have a smidge of bias. I wouldn't want to isolate myself from family and friends if I fell in love with someone of whom an occasional narrow mind didn't approve.

One side of this I tend to harp on is that, if people stay in the closet, everyone around them assumes they are Normal/straight. Then, when they do bump into someone not in the closet, it's often a surprise - they don't see "those kinds of people" in their life, so that unusual example is sort of jarring to them. It's not a mistake on their part to think everyone in their life is "normal" if the non-normals are all in the closet, eh?

The shock of the unexpected or surprising wears off pretty fast if one knows at least a few folks who don't fit in the expected frames of reference. In fact, we all pretty much put our pants on one leg at a time, sleep lying down, etc. Our differences are real, but really are swamped by our similarities - that can easily be overlooked if the closet subsumes most of the examples of a given group.

Peace,

Fausty

 

[GoddessLSD-XTC]

The idea of "Gay Pride" (a major comming-out day) always baffled me. I go but am not "proud" about it . . . Pride is one of the 7 deadly Sins. (I'm TS). It's more of a solidarity, confidence, unity kinda thing.

I would never volunteer to anyone that I was gay (or bi-TS in my case).

 

[Jamshyd]

I don't know whether I would "come out" if I were gay. I probably would once I met a partner I felt was worth the risk of dealing with narrow-minded opinions.

*gasp!* Folly of follies!! Only to find, after a couple of years, that your Prince Charming (there now, we're making you a gay man) was just another human after all, and wasn't really worth putting yourself in so much danger?

Just teasing (with a point nonetheless, as usual ).

As I think I stated earlier in this thread, I do commend the use of Coming Out as a weapon to test the ire of sleepers.

 

[PlacentaJuan]

The idea of "Gay Pride" (a major comming-out day) always baffled me. I go but am not "proud" about it . . . Pride is one of the 7 deadly Sins. (I'm TS). It's more of a solidarity, confidence, unity kinda thing.

I would never volunteer to anyone that I was gay (or bi-TS in my case).

I am NOT into some stupid ass "gay pride" shit or pink rainbows or any of that crap.

Pride is so pointless, corporate, and capitalistic nowadays compared to what it used to be like in the 70s.

 

[dhcdavid]

I'm still of the opinion that no-one needs to come out unless they want to.

But then again I'm fortunate enough to live in a reasonably civilised not-too-homophobic place (the U.K.).

Personally I'm 31 and still not sure which pigeon-hole of sexual preference I'd place myself in which is why I haven't come out yet but for those 100% they're gay or bi I don't see any overwhelming reason why they must come out.

To each their own is what I think.