Woah! Paul van Dyk really had an effect of people after all! Even if the sound was bad! His music makes me grin whenever I hear it.
This is gonna turn out to be personal thoughts about where I am at the moment, but hopefully it's relevant. I apologise in advance!
I've changed as a person. I've been “going out” for about two years now. People change that’s normal, I know.
My old “straight” friends bored me, I was seeing less and less of them. Every conversation I have with my “going out” friends turns to talk of drugs and the next event. I know there's more to life. I'm in the beginning of shifting my focus.
In the beginning going out and dropping was fun (it was a special thing) – in fact it's always been fun, but from the beginning of this year I started looking at where I was going and what I was doing.
In the beginning I went out once every couple of months.
(I read things here and talked to people and get such varied responses about what is normal and what is overboard. I started to go out much more frequently, almost every weekend and drop a pill on a Friday night (until about 6 months ago). Some people say that’s a lot, because it was every weekend, then I hear other people go out maybe monthly but drop 8 pills in a night or just drop pills every day of the week.)
Anyway, my usage changed, I’d go out on the Friday, drop a pill and then get more fucked up when I got home Saturday morning. It got to the point where I’d actually be looking forward to the comedown session – they’d last all weekend. It might have been the company I kept that made it so entertaining – the scattered-ness was so amusing.
Then, I’d be a grumpy shit all week and found it really hard to do any work during the week. I’d just look forward to the next weekend.
I’ve had the “I’m not going out for a while” talks with myself in the past. They usually only last three to four weeks and I’m back at it again.
After I saw Paul van Dyk, I asked myself why I take drugs. I couldn’t give myself an answer. It was just habit now, I go out, I take drugs. That’s what I do. I was pissed off with myself because I’d been looking forward to seeing PVD for almost twelve months and all I can remember now is fragments of the night.
It never used to be like that. I loved the music – I still love the music. I used to go out before I ever took pills, grab a Chupa-Chup and a bottle of water and dance all night. I looked like a pillhead before I ever was, often people would come up to me and ask if they could get a pill from me – I had the best nights, dancing without the need for substances.
What happened? I remember how pills used to affect me! I used to get fucked on a single pill! I’d be chatty and talk to everyone. It’s not like that anymore, so what’s the point? It’s just a waste of money and a hazard to my health.
I’ve started getting these weird head wobble things, sometimes when I really tired and lying in bed trying to sleep. They freak me out and I don’t know if they’re from the pills or not but I’m guessing they are.
I have loved every second of the past two years and while I don’t have any regrets, I’m not sure if I’d do it all the same if I was given a second chance.
Maybe I won’t completely deny myself pills ever again, but I want it to be special again. I want to prove to myself that I don’t actually need them to have a good night. Can I go without for more than three weeks?
Urgh… Too hard! I’m gonna stop thinking about it for a while!
Chaos Butterfly, you do what you need to do, and do it for your own reasons. You’re the most important person in the world. You should use these forums to empty your head or keep a journal/diary. Writing stuff down helps.
(once again, I apologise for dumping everything here, but I needed to get it out of my head, and reading things here have made me feel like I’m not the only one on the rollercoaster)
It's not the end - just a new beginning!
Riiiight...
) im still learning in ways i just dont learn while straight.
[personal experience]
