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Bluelighter
Hello, everyone. I feel as though this might be really cliche and the story has been a thousand times over but I still feel like writing this. I recently relapsed for the first time since initially being addicted to heroin. I was on suboxone for two months clean but then what happens with every addict happened, I started questioning why I was even doing this, if it is even worth it, etc. I started selling my suboxone and eventually had none left and to keep from being sick I hopped on the heroin bandwagon again.
I am only 19 years old and I feel like I've already fucked up my life beyond repair. These psychological cravings are never going to go away...they didn't go away once on suboxone. This morning my dad woke me up and he's a doctor so he started talking to me about what happened and why I relapsed and as always I couldn't look him in the eyes. I never can when they find out. He called my subs doctor and told him pretty much the truth and asked for a new appointment ASAP but my willingness compared to the first time I originally went on subs is so down...I mean why am I even trying if I know that I can't go through my entire life without heroin? I know the cravings will hit eventually and I'll be right back where I started.
I wish I could just be on heroin all fucking day and not do shit. I know that makes me sound like a freeloader or whatever but I really don't care. I'm in college, almost done actually, and I'm not even thinking about what I'm going to do when I graduate. All I care about are these fucking drugs and when I'm going to get them and if I have the money and gas in my car to take me to get them. I don't know what to do anymore. I need something else in my life other than suboxone but I don't know what that is. I'm completely fucking lost.
I am only 19 years old and I feel like I've already fucked up my life beyond repair. These psychological cravings are never going to go away...they didn't go away once on suboxone. This morning my dad woke me up and he's a doctor so he started talking to me about what happened and why I relapsed and as always I couldn't look him in the eyes. I never can when they find out. He called my subs doctor and told him pretty much the truth and asked for a new appointment ASAP but my willingness compared to the first time I originally went on subs is so down...I mean why am I even trying if I know that I can't go through my entire life without heroin? I know the cravings will hit eventually and I'll be right back where I started.
I wish I could just be on heroin all fucking day and not do shit. I know that makes me sound like a freeloader or whatever but I really don't care. I'm in college, almost done actually, and I'm not even thinking about what I'm going to do when I graduate. All I care about are these fucking drugs and when I'm going to get them and if I have the money and gas in my car to take me to get them. I don't know what to do anymore. I need something else in my life other than suboxone but I don't know what that is. I'm completely fucking lost.