iLoveYouWithaKnife
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2002
- Messages
- 8,351
I can't even count how many times I sat on the hospital steps and cried.
I would stare at the payphone, that I would call someone on, when for once, we weren't together.
Then I remembered the one day he didn't answer.
Things changed from there.
At that time, it seemed like the end of the world.
But we both knew what we had to do.
We were literally killing one another.
Then I would look away, down to the corner-
focus my eyes on the "locust bar" sign.
I can't even count how many times I stumbled out of there, passing the hospital steps on my way 'home'.
I guess I thought every time I went in there with a question,
I would come out with an answer,
but I just came out drunk, and forgetting.
And that seemed to be good enough for me.
I remember the last night I spent in that city.
I walked around and cried.
For fucking so much up in such a short amount of time.
No one to blame but me.
Perhaps I'm just angry at myself for letting people take hold of me, too tightly.
Just mad at myself for letting this city conquer me.
Just angry, once again, I couldn't do something on my own.
And now that I look back, it really wasn't that bad.
I remember telling my roommate that I needed to go, that 'this city is killing me- and if i don't get away from it, all the shit that i've been doing, will'.
And I remember him saying, 'jen, i've been there before too, and I'm living proof, you can come out alive. don't move out. start this day, as a new day. as a new beginning.'
But I remember just walking away.
Started to pack my shit.
Now that I look back on it,
I want to cry again,
because I always run from shit,
when it gets too deep.
And I really hate that.
So it brings me to where I am at now.
Probably one of the most depressing towns,
on the face of this planet.
Anyone who knows this area well will tell you.
There just these black clouds hanging over-
Literally.
So I'm getting all my stuff together,
In another month or so,
I'll be ready for round 2.
Only this time, I won't be beaten.
So that brings me to you-
I remember that one night in your room.
case of beer and your mom saying,
"i'm only telling you once, no girls sleeping over!!"
I remember sitting on your bed saying
'in march you should move to philly'
Now how i wish i would have stuffed my foot into my mouth.
And we thought it would be funny,
to drink all the beer until 6 in the morning,
when your mother to ask
"what is she still doing here?"
You would laugh and saying "drinking beer, b/c technically, she didn't sleep over, if we're still awake"
...only thing is though, we feel asleep,
only a few minutes before she left for work.
And I wonder if your pillows are still bright fucking red.
from that unbearable dye that was in my hair.
-that just wouldn't come out.
except to leave red on your pillows and all over your shirts.
And I wonder if i leave without you, would that be running away again?
From something else I gave up on.
Perhaps just before 'love' was about to conquer me.
And you say to me
'me telling you to think about it is just hope that you won't leave'
Truth is though,
I don't really know what to think.
I haven't seen you in over a week
and it's actually a bit refreshing.
I'm starting to forget what it's like
to be with you every night.
And it's really not that bad.
I'm getting used to sleeping alone.
Maybe I'm just enjoying it while I can.
-because I know you are coming back.
But i have to say,
you don't really cross my mind,
that many times a day.
not like you used to.
And maybe that's scaring me-
Because maybe before I let 'love' conquer me
once again, and throw me to the floor,
before I give in, and let it beat me-
I'm giving up on you.
I don't know how fair that is though.
And yeah, actually i am kinda scared.
Because I don't think I want to do that.
I know how you feel about me,
and I think I actually believe you.
Maybe I just want to walk away, now
before it gets really ugly.
We saw it get bad before.
We were strong enough to make it semi-ok.
repair.
Maybe one day, we won't be able to do that tho.
And that's what I fear.
I don't want to be sitting somewhere-
in the near future
-alone-
without a hand to hold.
remembering all these things with some meaning.
-wondering if you remember the same things i do.
-wondering if you remember drunken skateboarding, to west hazleton one night, cause we had no where to go.
-wondering if you remember the time i fell out of the booth at cousin's, that got me my job now.
-wondering if you remember how much it fucking meant to me- on christmas night- that you walked from your mom's house, in the snow, to prove to me, you wanted to see me. and even though, i walked a little futher than you that night, with a case of beer! i remember walking slightly behind you, with a smile on my face, because no one ever did that before.
-wondering if you remember just how fucking cold it was that night, didn't think we'd make it. and maybe the reason i smiled the whole way, was because it was frozen there.
-i wonder if you noticed, that i smiled and laughed the whole way to my house. while you bitched about the cold.
It's just a matter of time though
and I don't know how I'll feel when i see you
Don't know if my eyes will light up or,
I'll roll them to the side.
-matter of time.
And it'll be something you do,
that will determine how i feel,
what i'll do in the near future.
I just have to wait now,
for you to come home.
I would stare at the payphone, that I would call someone on, when for once, we weren't together.
Then I remembered the one day he didn't answer.
Things changed from there.
At that time, it seemed like the end of the world.
But we both knew what we had to do.
We were literally killing one another.
Then I would look away, down to the corner-
focus my eyes on the "locust bar" sign.
I can't even count how many times I stumbled out of there, passing the hospital steps on my way 'home'.
I guess I thought every time I went in there with a question,
I would come out with an answer,
but I just came out drunk, and forgetting.
And that seemed to be good enough for me.
I remember the last night I spent in that city.
I walked around and cried.
For fucking so much up in such a short amount of time.
No one to blame but me.
Perhaps I'm just angry at myself for letting people take hold of me, too tightly.
Just mad at myself for letting this city conquer me.
Just angry, once again, I couldn't do something on my own.
And now that I look back, it really wasn't that bad.
I remember telling my roommate that I needed to go, that 'this city is killing me- and if i don't get away from it, all the shit that i've been doing, will'.
And I remember him saying, 'jen, i've been there before too, and I'm living proof, you can come out alive. don't move out. start this day, as a new day. as a new beginning.'
But I remember just walking away.
Started to pack my shit.
Now that I look back on it,
I want to cry again,
because I always run from shit,
when it gets too deep.
And I really hate that.
So it brings me to where I am at now.
Probably one of the most depressing towns,
on the face of this planet.
Anyone who knows this area well will tell you.
There just these black clouds hanging over-
Literally.
So I'm getting all my stuff together,
In another month or so,
I'll be ready for round 2.
Only this time, I won't be beaten.
So that brings me to you-
I remember that one night in your room.
case of beer and your mom saying,
"i'm only telling you once, no girls sleeping over!!"
I remember sitting on your bed saying
'in march you should move to philly'
Now how i wish i would have stuffed my foot into my mouth.
And we thought it would be funny,
to drink all the beer until 6 in the morning,
when your mother to ask
"what is she still doing here?"
You would laugh and saying "drinking beer, b/c technically, she didn't sleep over, if we're still awake"
...only thing is though, we feel asleep,
only a few minutes before she left for work.
And I wonder if your pillows are still bright fucking red.
from that unbearable dye that was in my hair.
-that just wouldn't come out.
except to leave red on your pillows and all over your shirts.
And I wonder if i leave without you, would that be running away again?
From something else I gave up on.
Perhaps just before 'love' was about to conquer me.
And you say to me
'me telling you to think about it is just hope that you won't leave'
Truth is though,
I don't really know what to think.
I haven't seen you in over a week
and it's actually a bit refreshing.
I'm starting to forget what it's like
to be with you every night.
And it's really not that bad.
I'm getting used to sleeping alone.
Maybe I'm just enjoying it while I can.
-because I know you are coming back.
But i have to say,
you don't really cross my mind,
that many times a day.
not like you used to.
And maybe that's scaring me-
Because maybe before I let 'love' conquer me
once again, and throw me to the floor,
before I give in, and let it beat me-
I'm giving up on you.
I don't know how fair that is though.
And yeah, actually i am kinda scared.
Because I don't think I want to do that.
I know how you feel about me,
and I think I actually believe you.
Maybe I just want to walk away, now
before it gets really ugly.
We saw it get bad before.
We were strong enough to make it semi-ok.
repair.
Maybe one day, we won't be able to do that tho.
And that's what I fear.
I don't want to be sitting somewhere-
in the near future
-alone-
without a hand to hold.
remembering all these things with some meaning.
-wondering if you remember the same things i do.
-wondering if you remember drunken skateboarding, to west hazleton one night, cause we had no where to go.
-wondering if you remember the time i fell out of the booth at cousin's, that got me my job now.
-wondering if you remember how much it fucking meant to me- on christmas night- that you walked from your mom's house, in the snow, to prove to me, you wanted to see me. and even though, i walked a little futher than you that night, with a case of beer! i remember walking slightly behind you, with a smile on my face, because no one ever did that before.
-wondering if you remember just how fucking cold it was that night, didn't think we'd make it. and maybe the reason i smiled the whole way, was because it was frozen there.
-i wonder if you noticed, that i smiled and laughed the whole way to my house. while you bitched about the cold.
It's just a matter of time though
and I don't know how I'll feel when i see you
Don't know if my eyes will light up or,
I'll roll them to the side.
-matter of time.
And it'll be something you do,
that will determine how i feel,
what i'll do in the near future.
I just have to wait now,
for you to come home.
