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Why are you afraid of departing from monogamy?

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sunday.bird

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 11, 2023
Messages
115
I'm bisexual. I've always had some wiggle room in relationships but there has always been tension there, even though I'm more than happy to have a threesome with her there (which we have done, but didn't do the right way so it turned her off the idea).

Not sure why people wouldn't want to have sex with other people once in a while.

The reason we don't do it is pretty much fear, from what I can figure.

We're afraid our partner will fall in love with another person; we're afraid that they will prefer sex with another person: we are afraid - basically - they will leave us.

There's also fear of performance in front of multiple people.

I guess with my situation there's fear I'm going to "turn gay"?

If it was a FFM threesome, I'm sure guys would be worried about their girlfriends or wives "becoming lesbians".

It all seems kind of petty to me, if you break it down.

If my relationship is so flimsy that some random person can come along and destroy it with meaningless sex: I want to know.

I was talking to her about this recently and it's only fair that she should be able to sleep with other guys. She caught me off guard, but I thought about it and I don't actually have a huge problem with it. If we can both do it, I can live with that... But she doesn't want to do it. She was just making a point. I get it. Although, I don't think it's the same. Because - like I said - I want her to be there. So, if she wants the same thing then what she's suggesting is exactly what I'm saying I want.

I haven't had any extra-marital encounters for a while now (almost two years?). She said it's okay, but she said it in a way that it clearly isn't.

She doesn't seem to have any issue with it, really, other than me not conforming to this idea because I should conform to it.

It's unfortunate the threesome we had turned out weird. We blindfolded this guy we met online and chained him to a queen size bed, then fucked on top of him and took turns playing with him. Sounds good in theory, but it was a bit too much of a shock to the system for her... and that's obvious in retrospect.

I don't want her to do anything she doesn't want to do. I'm not pushing that at all. But she has hinted that we might do it again one day.

It's hard with kids. It's hard enough to have sex with just the two of us, let alone organizing something like this. There's not a lot of time one of us isn't at work and/or our daughter is reining destruction upon our house.

I get the impression we're going to postpone it for a decade or so.

In the meantime, I think I should be able to play around. Thoughts?

I understand the counterarguments, but I don't think my wife is concerned about any of that petty shit.

If I wanted to be with another woman, she says she'd feel insecure about herself... which makes sense to me.

I'm not really into the idea of swingers or anything like that. Don't want to introduce other women to the mix. I'm satisfied in that department.

Most men fantasize about threesomes with another girl... Do most women fantasize about threesomes with another guy?
 
Most people that have done this kind of thing will tell ya that it invariably causes problems in the relationship. Whether it's jealousy, insecurity, or just plain ol' getting interested in someone else. Many people have actually fallen for the other 3rd participant and left the marriage altogether. Others have seen the other person WITHOUT the partner ( guy sees chick without his wife, girl sees guy without her husband ). Some have just gone the other way because they found they liked it better ( wife goes with woman and husband goes with man ). Others can practice threesomes and swinging with no issues at all to the PRIMARY relationship. Others ruin their marriages.

I think in order for it to be successful and work out okay for ALL parties there has to be strict rules put in place first as to what is, and isn't, allowed. Rules that everyone has no problem living by. Rules that are put in place to not only protect the marriage but to protect everyones privacy. It's supposed to be exciting and fun and " spice up a marriage " but often times it does the opposite. As long as everyone goes in with their eyes open and their expectations open and their mental health intact it can be great. If one party is not cool with it and does it just to make their partner happy or to save the marriage it's just not gonna work. Successful couples that engage in whatever activity turns them on usually have strong marriages in the first place. And their priority and concern is always for their spouse. If shits get dicey......they stop.

As long as everyone on board is cool with what's going on its fine. But if someone is dishonest and lies about why they are doing it then it causes more harm than good. If everyone is honest about their intentions and expectations it will probably work out okay.
 
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Yeah, as @Nurse Ratched said, honesty is key here. I’ve done all of the above. I was a swinger with my ex-husband, and that wasn’t the thing that drove us apart; ultimately it was about his inability to support the family and my drug addiction, which was all-consuming at the time. But the swinger part was fine, and I’ll tell anyone who will listen that it worked for us and I bet he would do the same. We had some good times. Then, right about the time my marriage was breaking apart, I entered into a polygamous relationship with this couple that I know. It only lasted a short time, but it was fairly intense. I learned from that one how difficult it can be to take care of everyone’s needs when there’s more than one other person in the relationship, both in and out of bed. (Like, if they were fighting, whose “side” was I supposed to be on?? And yes, they asked me to take sides, which is part of why it was so volatile. They were a fairly “high-drama” couple, but I stayed friends with them for a while afterwards.)

Point is: adding more people into a relationship is complicated and exhausting, which is why I don’t do it anymore. With swinging, you had to expend so much time and effort locating couples to swing with, and half the time they’d flake on you anyway. With the poly relationship, it’s all the problems of a “regular” relationship, times 2! So I’ve been there and done that, not really interested in a replay. I don’t mind doing a random threesome here and there with my partner, but obviously there has to be a STRONG trust and clear communication, but once you’ve got those two things down it’s really fine…as a spice, not the main course.

But yeah, all of those fears are generally why people don’t practice nonmonogamy. I personally believe that jealousy is a useless emotion that only harms the person experiencing it (doesn’t mean I haven’t felt it; I’m human, after all, but I think I have less of a tendency to it than most.) And I also believe that if, like you said, my relationship is so flimsy that a once-off sexual encounter like a threesome was going to wreck it, better to find out sooner than later. Most times, when that happens, it’s because there was something deeper was wrong in the relationship, not that the other person was just chasing some supposedly better tail…like maybe the other person fulfilled a need that wasn’t being met in the relationship? Idk. But I have friends who are successfully polygamous and they say all the time, you can have some needs met by one partner and others met by another, and you don’t have to LEAVE one to have both. It’s additive, not either/or.

Anyway, I’m too old and tired to have the energy for more than one person except as a very occasional thing, but more power to you if you can make it work :)
 
It's just one of those things some people don't get.

I don't think it's out of fear as much as some people just aren't looking for that type of relationship.

I've always been poly oriented, and as a gay guy it's always been pretty chill to just act on it. But these days even tho I'm in a spot where I can at any say hey let's have another guy come join us. I just don't care for it right now.

I think I enjoy the freedom to do as I wish more than the actual act itself. That being said we are going on a cruise this week and I fully understand if my partner invited a hot Costa Rican over.

I just like that we can be ourselves no matter what.
 
I've always been monogamous because it's just my nature, and I've always dated women who felt the same way. When I'm deeply in love, I can't imagine the thought of her being with anyone else.

I had one teenage girlfriend who said, "Let's see other people.", so I took out one of her best friends who had a crush on me and she freaked out! (the girlfriend, not my date)

That being said, I've known some people who are happy in polyamorous (I think that's the right word) relationships.
 
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I have also always been in open relationships. I did not plan it this way like in theory before I was ever really having sex or dating any men or women. It has just always been this way. I have never had a partner, BF, GF, or whoever insist upon monogamy or a completely closed or exclusive relationship with only them and me, and nobody else.

They can and do work but it is not one huge orgy or going crazy tricking or hooking up with as many people as possible, having a new lover every week, etc. unless you or your partner(s) want it to be this way. These types of relationships are lots of work. The sex part is not always the 'work' part, but more that you do not always get free time alone and you have to make time for yourself.
 
xtcgrrrl said:
Yeah, as @Nurse Ratched said, honesty is key here. I’ve done all of the above. I was a swinger with my ex-husband, and that wasn’t the thing that drove us apart; ultimately it was about his inability to support the family and my drug addiction, which was all-consuming at the time. But the swinger part was fine, and I’ll tell anyone who will listen that it worked for us and I bet he would do the same. We had some good times. Then, right about the time my marriage was breaking apart, I entered into a polygamous relationship with this couple that I know. It only lasted a short time, but it was fairly intense. I learned from that one how difficult it can be to take care of everyone’s needs when there’s more than one other person in the relationship, both in and out of bed. (Like, if they were fighting, whose “side” was I supposed to be on?? And yes, they asked me to take sides, which is part of why it was so volatile. They were a fairly “high-drama” couple, but I stayed friends with them for a while afterwards.)

Point is: adding more people into a relationship is complicated and exhausting, which is why I don’t do it anymore. With swinging, you had to expend so much time and effort locating couples to swing with, and half the time they’d flake on you anyway. With the poly relationship, it’s all the problems of a “regular” relationship, times 2! So I’ve been there and done that, not really interested in a replay. I don’t mind doing a random threesome here and there with my partner, but obviously there has to be a STRONG trust and clear communication, but once you’ve got those two things down it’s really fine…as a spice, not the main course.

But yeah, all of those fears are generally why people don’t practice nonmonogamy. I personally believe that jealousy is a useless emotion that only harms the person experiencing it (doesn’t mean I haven’t felt it; I’m human, after all, but I think I have less of a tendency to it than most.) And I also believe that if, like you said, my relationship is so flimsy that a once-off sexual encounter like a threesome was going to wreck it, better to find out sooner than later. Most times, when that happens, it’s because there was something deeper was wrong in the relationship, not that the other person was just chasing some supposedly better tail…like maybe the other person fulfilled a need that wasn’t being met in the relationship? Idk. But I have friends who are successfully polygamous and they say all the time, you can have some needs met by one partner and others met by another, and you don’t have to LEAVE one to have both. It’s additive, not either/or.

Anyway, I’m too old and tired to have the energy for more than one person except as a very occasional thing, but more power to you if you can make it work :)
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Whenever I try to imagine a poly relationship, the first thing that comes to mind… Exhausting. I’m just not a super social person so the thought of having to navigate any more than a one person relationship sounds daunting and plain not fun.

-GC
 
For me hippy free love is cool when I don’t want to be in relationship, had that phase and it was great, will I ever go that route again idk.

Being in an open relationship is something I know I wont ever do again, well never say never but still, as for me sole purpose of open relationship was I neither really wanted to be with that person nor to leave her and open relationship offered that in-between territory.

I want my future relationships to be strictly monogamous if I end up in love with that person and see future for us. It might work out fine otherwise but that’s not something I want to waste my energy on nor I anymore have need for more than one person as I used to. And I think I used to gravitate toward poly relationships in most part because of some combo of mine insecurities and not being totally satisfied with partner(s). Right now if I wanted poly relationship with someone it would be with a person I would probably eventually end up cheating or got cheated by and if either is the case that’s not worth it, or at least means relationship requires some serious working on.

Wanting a threesome or an orgy with/by my partner (especially if drunk/high) would be a lot less alarming to me than if my partner wanted open relationship or even if same again got appeal to me.
 
O yeah, I was certainly afraid departing to monogamy at one point in my life. Now I’m not afraid departing from it but just don’t see nothing positive if I would. Experiencing both made me decide what’s better for me and I’m glad I tasted both sides.
 
I'm bisexual as well. I know what it's like to feel like your sexuality is split and half of it isn't getting something. but I also know what's like to be in an open relationship. After 13 years of it, the fundamental truth is, you can't divorce emotion from sex. People shout from the rooftops that you can but those people are usually young and haven't been in a relationship with someone they truly love more than themselves. My now ex, took everything too far. he kept breaking our rules, meaning, even though we had an open relationship, he was still cheating on me. If you need to be able to have sex with other people, maybe you need to consider if you really feel the way you think you do about your partner. If you do truly love them, you should be able to control your dick
 
I never had monogymous relationships i always had open relationships until with my gf now who I now know about 8 yrs and she is the one.
 
you have to cheat with somebody else who's also cheating - that way nobody wants anything to get out of the bag

that's how you do it
 
G_Chem said:
Whenever I try to imagine a poly relationship, the first thing that comes to mind… Exhausting. I’m just not a super social person so the thought of having to navigate any more than a one person relationship sounds daunting and plain not fun.

-GC
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It can be that way. I am not sure if I would live in such a relationship again with everyone as you are with your partners too much, and you have to make time for yourself to be alone, focus on yourself, your own non-sexual needs, etc.
 
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S-Dog said:
I'm bisexual as well. I know what it's like to feel like your sexuality is split and half of it isn't getting something. but I also know what's like to be in an open relationship. After 13 years of it, the fundamental truth is, you can't divorce emotion from sex. People shout from the rooftops that you can but those people are usually young and haven't been in a relationship with someone they truly love more than themselves. My now ex, took everything too far. he kept breaking our rules, meaning, even though we had an open relationship, he was still cheating on me. If you need to be able to have sex with other people, maybe you need to consider if you really feel the way you think you do about your partner. If you do truly love them, you should be able to control your dick
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This is not uncommon. As for divorcing emotion, love, feelings from sex it depends upon the person. I certainly did not have an emotional, or what I thought was romantic or love or close emotional attachment to every man and woman I have dated or had sex with and most people do not.
 
PriestTheyCalledHim said:
This is not uncommon. As for divorcing emotion, love, feelings from sex it depends upon the person. I certainly did not have an emotional, or what I thought was romantic or love or close emotional attachment to every man and woman I have dated or had sex with and most people do not.
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first of all, you're only talking about yourself and how you feel, not the other person in the relationship. second, I'm not implying that you will fall in love with someone because you had sex. but i AM saying, once you do have sex with that person, you can't go back to how it was before. it changes things and those little changes can easily have big consequences. there's a reason most people who say open relationships work are young and have never had a real relationship that lasts decades. I've seen many people in the gay community tell me how "healthy" open relationships are and that they DO work just to watch them break up a few months later. it's naïve
 
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