because i live to use and use to live? because i don't know any other way anymore.. because i love it, AND because i hate it..
agreed
I've always been this "pick it up, & drop it back down, again." I was always able to keep it under control, had binges then was able to stop. Had a little meth problem or a year, then got sick of it. Did it a few more times when "in the mood" in the months following, then never again, even though I hung out with tweekers who offered it to me/did it in front of me despite me saying I'd quit, I still got it for people for a while after... Eventually put myself on a "drug schedule" 4 months a year drinking/drugs in my free time.
Enter heroin, a couple years after my first try (East Coast Powder, snorted - had been mailed by friend) - smoked it (black tar) few times per week for a couple of months. Decided to stop for a while after ODing on my second shot the 1st time I tried shooting. Got an addict boyfriend, to piss people off before I was to move out of state in a few months. He'd do it in front of me all of the time, not a problem, I didn't want it, thought pretty highly of myself for it, because "he's hooked on shit drugs, and I only do the GOOD drugs like Intramuscular/IV ketamine, DXM, LSD, etc) But a few months later, I went on a couple of few-week binges. Then moved to LasVegas. It's said that LV will find your weakness... When I got here, I made my Bf find a source. Then I'd do it a couple times per week, up to weeks at a time. Been constant since August 08, except for when I try to quit, which lasts 2 to 7 days. (& by the way, it's like my bf and I switched. he's on maintanance pain meds due to an accident that shattered his spine. he uses about a few times a month up to a week or so at a time now.)
So... reasons? B/c I view myself as invincible, as if this wouldn't apply to me, b/c I was always in control, despite my surroundings.
B/c it makes me complacent. Moving here right during the economic collapse means I barely even find work. And only have my boyfriend. My typical life involves work, school, providin psychedelics, going on adventures, going out a lot, lots of being active, I suppose, working out. And I'm only satiated in the midst of constant activity. My life is so limited, and now i'e found a way to tolerate it, tho it creates its own problem - trading "all the little hurts into one big hurt."
And I do try to quit about every 6 weeks since last August. I stay up the first 24 hours, then knock myself out on soma/klonopin/valium/temazepam/xanax combo for two days. Wake up feeling physically fine except diarrhea, but mentally I just can't stand it... I don't have an outlet for my anxiety, turning it from a positive into an intolerable attribute of my personality. Can't stand it and can't stand the life I can't stand. And sometimes I figure I"ll just do it this time, or that time, or for a week til the shits subside & then stop again, but it doesn't work that way. It keeps on keepin on...
For as much as I hate it, there is this part of me that loves it, is attached and attracted to it, glamorizes it. maybe if i had lots of K to shoot up for a while after detox subsided, and then suddenly had all these things to attend to, maybe i'd be able to stop. but maybe i'd see it as some challenge to see how much and how long i can maintain addiction and responsibilities. so much of me, when i do try to quit, is doing it because of financial reasons. and b/c i've been able to be ok with all other drugs even living w/addicts, some part of me thinks that I really will, when i'm completely decided, rather than "hate being on it, hate being off it" - i'll be able to get back to where i only use VERY occasionally, like it had been with other opiates.
Although, in addition - have had on/off problems since 11 with depression/suicidal ideation and have had resulting issues w/addictive/compulsive "behaviors" of self-mutilation, anorexia, and bulemia of both varieties (purging - laxatives, vomiting, and non-purging- binge then starve, over-excersize) I don't do any of those very often since the heroin took precedence, tho self-mutilation is the more common one.
Roommate: b/c i decided "i want to use drugs" then "i want to use drugs again" "& again, & again, & again..." then it gets to a certain point after a number of times where it becomes "I NEED to use drugs"
his background - alcoholic for about ten years, alternating with "drug phases" where he becomes hooked and is forced to quit after he loses everything (except for weed - he just got tired of it) and goes back to alcohol. he seems to be able to have a manageable life w/alcohol. i told him this and he told me that ACTUALLY it's more manageable w/heroin, b/c he doesn't "act out" when he gets too drunk. i said no, with alcohol you can still hold down a job and take care of your shit, not so with heroin.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
