hello
i've been on klonopin for 12 years and couldn't imagine my life without it, for panic disorder reasons more than withdrawl ones, although i know the withdrawl is beyond horrific... how do you deal with the anxiety? i mean i've been in the therapy system since i was 14, i'm 29 now, so i've heard basically everything about how to deal with panic attacks and bad situations but it would be nice to hear from someone who isn't a doctor and who has been through it.
Hi.
First of all I made a very long list of things that make me feel anxious. Then I did them all in one day. In fact I believe I was in withdrawl so I was super anxious while doing these things. By the end of it I was a pathetic mess with no friends. And i just decided. I can't drink responsibly, so you can imagine how bad I must have gotten (I also have a temper) while drunk. So i quit drinking. I told myself that I am pathetic and that it is on me and no one else, and unless i do so something about it starting today I will always be pathetic. So I put my options on a scale and the math was as follows. If I don't try, I can't win the battle. If I try to win the battle and fail I'm back to square one so no biggie. If i pull my self out of the rut I win. And for better or worse I decided to win. No more giving a shit about old friends and what they think, no more crying over spilt milk. My will, and my dedication defines me, not what stupid hiccup I've had. I wake up in the morning and I achieve a new osbtacle. Not a goal. I don't have a goal, but I will jump a hoop if I have never jumped one. I made a decision that I win, or I die trying. Because I left option "going back to square one" once I cut all the ties to my old friends.
Then I started seeing myself as a character. Who am I? What have I achieved? What am I doing today to justify my existence in this world? What scares me? why? is it cripplingly scary? Then do it, right now. That inner voice dialogue shit. Though it straight out the window. No more thinking about. These principles are set in stone, and if I don't do it no one but me will give a shit. And if I can't satisfy myself, how can I satisfy a friend. A girlfriend? Physically I always could, but mentally? I could trick em, but I was just a very good liar.
So i said yes to everything. Martial arts, yoga, fucking tango classes, I don't give a rats ass. Tango classes are for pussies? Good, sign me up, always been scared of not looking like a man, let's do that today with the time I would usually spend having an inner dialogue with a brain that always wants the last word. Can't sleep tonight? Tough shit, if your in WD you are in WD. If you haven't been productive, fuck I'm not gonna have a good nights rest. So I basically looked at all of my behavior and I said, in all honesty this is all on you. Like it or not.
There's a place for drugs, and some people really do need them, but I don't think they are a solution to a problem unless you become a hazard to your self or others. I am able minded enough to know when a bad day is here, so on those days I bite my toungue, I try to chill out, I might smoke a little weed while I watch a movie. I cry if I feel like it, even if it is from out of nowhere, but right after, as much as I don't want to, it's 200 jumping jacks and a 2 mile run. Now my body aches, now I can say, yeah I cried my muscles hurt, because the worst thing about having depression and or anxiety is not being able to justify your actions when you embares yourself. Now I have a justification. Now I have an all day every day thing to focus on, working on getting something I want bad. How bad? Shit I went through detox three times, I want it as bad as i wanted that shit to stop. I want it so much that it will give me reason to keep going ahead and not looking back. But, it's never a goal. It's an obstical.
Hope that helps.
