Who is this in the mirror? Blank stare (Xanax)

[GetMeBackToNormal]

Hey! So I was playing a video game right, Super Smash Bros, and the guy reflected back my attack and when I thought to reflect it back, I used a completely different move. Right before putting in the combination, I had that moment of having to make a decision between the two combinations that were in my head for reflection, and I couldn't do anything. Thus, I did as if I feel I've been doing these past four years and that was just reacting, and not being. I couldn't make the decision when both had equal weight, just as I can't now. Even this paragraph feels like just lines coming out of me and not truly who I am [truly who I am, I tried to just say but I couldn't, and now I'm getting anxiety and intense brain fire, the brain fire you get after Xanax when a new idea comes up, this time the idea being creating] I'm better at explaining things now then I was 3 weeks ago, I'm better at remembering, although just slightly, but this creating thing was something new. I always wondered why I had such a blank look in the mirror, and now I know why, I can't create, I can only do and react... Will this ever go away? Will I be able to be a normal person ever again? I'm just scared right now....

 

[IbizaJoe]

Hey! So I was playing a video game right, Super Smash Bros, and the guy reflected back my attack and when I thought to reflect it back, I used a completely different move. Right before putting in the combination, I had that moment of having to make a decision between the two combinations that were in my head for reflection, and I couldn't do anything. Thus, I did as if I feel I've been doing these past four years and that was just reacting, and not being. I couldn't make the decision when both had equal weight, just as I can't now. Even this paragraph feels like just lines coming out of me and not truly who I am [truly who I am, I tried to just say but I couldn't, and now I'm getting anxiety and intense brain fire, the brain fire you get after Xanax when a new idea comes up, this time the idea being creating] I'm better at explaining things now then I was 3 weeks ago, I'm better at remembering, although just slightly, but this creating thing was something new. I always wondered why I had such a blank look in the mirror, and now I know why, I can't create, I can only do and react... Will this ever go away? Will I be able to be a normal person ever again? I'm just scared right now....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derealization
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization

My first "hardcore withdrawal" in life was from Xanax, I had just turned 19. I abused Xanax only for 3-4 months, but absolute huge doses and quit cold turkey because had no idea that it would even cause such withdrawal symptoms ( I should have tapered off, because I certainly think it affected me ) I used other various benzos, but mainly xanax. Probably 5mg a day, but sometimes went over 10 bars of 2mg ( Mixed with booze )

Everyone is different. It took me 2 years to feel normal after that episode, I can't even remember much of those times because I certainly didn't feel like myself. But bear in mind I continued to use lots of other drugs during that "withdrawal" and used benzos from time to time. Mainly I was smoking weed during my withdrawal and it probably worsened my 'depersonalization'

I would suggest to never, ever take any benzos again. Derealization and depersonalization are two terms I can only describe my withdrawal from xanax. The only way I can explain my feelings during that time is this memory I have from that time: I would look at a moving car. There was only movement. The looker, or "I" or 'intelligence' was not there. My brain didn't even understand what a 'car' was , I didn't feel I was even in the moment, only the movement of the car existed, but not the looker.
( And this should not be understood in some meditation-zen type of sense, it was horrible feeling of pure emptiness )

I wish good luck for your withdrawal, I am going through pretty rough times myself, but xanax withdrawal I experienced during that time has remained in my memory one of the single, most horrible experiences I've ever gone through.

 

[GetMeBackToNormal]

Are you over that stage now? Is the depersonalization gone? I definitely feel as if I'm reacting off of my ideas... will things go back to normal?

 

[GetMeBackToNormal]

I had hope, my memory has been getting better but the one thing that's still not back is my will. I feel as if there's just a block there. Whether this block is blocking my will or the block is actually the emptiness of where my will used to be, I know there's something wrong with my will, gone or blocked off. Are you absolutely sure you fully recovered?