Who is in control? me or it? (meth)

[pyshcocentric]

I once made a thread that was about how my meth use wasn't causing any problems... well that was for all intents and purposes the methamphetamine writing. before i go any further i want to make it clear that i am not suffering any type of psychotic episode, im only writing in this fashion to better explain how I perceive it. I have been wanting/trying to quit from the first 2 or 3 days and i am still using it daily for 40 or so days straight, its like my intentions and what methamphetamine actually does are total opposites. The most headway i have made is that i use slightly less per day (that sounded dumb even typing it, its still daily)and still end up smoking as if "oh, its no big deal".

I have complete understanding of the dangers of meth and got into it honestly having NO idea of its mentally debilitating nature, I am pretty sure i know what I need to help with my sobriety and that is mental strength. I have over come many drugs in my 9 years of abuse, but none of them have been like this in any way. i am truly worried because i seem to have little control over this, i was a Corporal in the U.S Army and learned allot of self discipline as well as physical and metal strengths, I am not used to having limited control over thought process. Is this how methamphetamine addiction is? it is seriously as if i completely consciously know i need to stop or suffer serious consequences, but yet subconsciously it is justified in some way,and ill buy more. Has anyone else delt with this "loss" of certain subconscious feelings and actions? or at least have some experience in the area of methamphetamine addiction and the psychological effects of it?



(i know people will think that i am just letting the drug win(shit, maybe so help me stop), giving up or even don't care enough to stop it. i understand that and if you can work that in a constructive manner to help me quit i would like that, how ever you can type what ever you like about my predicament)

 

[Pagey]

I know exactly what you mean although I've never taken meth - you're just describing strong addiction I think, sadly. It's good you're aware of this though, that's definitely the first step. Have you thought about NA/rehab or would you consider it? It might really help.

 

[pyshcocentric]

I know exactly what you mean although I've never taken meth - you're just describing strong addiction I think, sadly. It's good you're aware of this though, that's definitely the first step. Have you thought about NA/rehab or would you consider it? It might really help.

thank you for your reply, and yes i started the NA process last night, i have been in and out of NA/AA for at least 5 years of my 9 years of hell, just got out of rehad December 2011, for a what started out 3 years prior as popin pain pills, then to shooting stronger pills with fentanyl patches, to heroin, finally shooting speedballs. hospitalized from "sever" dehydration... they sent me to rehab, where i was subsequently but on Suboxone and Ritalin i have been on it since. about 4 or 5 weeks ago the ritalin had taken me as far as it could in regards of it high so a guy i bought adderal from turned me on to the brain stew... done it everyday... sucks, and im fearing that rehab is goin to be a must... it will be my 4th time... quite discouraging....

 

[herbavore]

Hey, I know it must feel discouraging but it may be that this time you are really motivated (which I think you are) to deal with things on a deeper level. If rehab is available to you, I think you should go for it. The sooner you stop, the better. Are you getting any counseling or support outside of NA?AA? If you are a veteran then you have many services available to you. What have your experiences been like with VA counseling?

 

[pyshcocentric]

Hey, I know it must feel discouraging but it may be that this time you are really motivated (which I think you are) to deal with things on a deeper level. If rehab is available to you, I think you should go for it. The sooner you stop, the better. Are you getting any counseling or support outside of NA?AA? If you are a veteran then you have many services available to you. What have your experiences been like with VA counseling?

thanks, i feel like i do also, and yes i have been goin to a therapist, she is moderately helpful, i have actually been thinking about finding someone new, even the therapist has suggested finding a therapist that specializes in trauma... i think its a good idea. Also i go to a VA group for physical and mental casualties... i think that has been the most help, besides here. Also my family is very supportive with my addiction and have helped me more than i can believe, and i think your right about the rehab... the last time i was in was when i was 19 and VERY immature still, dealing drugs and didn't give a fuck... i am soooo different now i mean it is like two completely different people.

 

[herbavore]

^ yeah, I am a big believer in not settling for a therapist that doesn't do much for you. When you find one that is able to be totally safe and supportive yet still challenge you to change--that is the one to keep seeing. Also, I am so glad to hear that you have a supportive family. Do you have any experience with the http://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/? I love that organization.

 

[pyshcocentric]

^ yeah, I am a big believer in not settling for a therapist that doesn't do much for you. When you find one that is able to be totally safe and supportive yet still challenge you to change--that is the one to keep seeing. Also, I am so glad to hear that you have a supportive family. Do you have any experience with the http://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/? I love that organization.

i have done a 8K run for the cause , it was awesome... and my mother donates regularly. SHe is always sending stuff down range (Afghanistan). yea i just got back to from my therapy session, it went pretty well, she is good with substance abuse so i do like that she challenges me to talk ya know, even if its a touchy subject and i feel SOOO much better after talking. and YES i love my family!:D

 

[Jktm]

Yes, meth addiction is like that. I was addicted to methamphetamine for a year, and my RoA was freebasing. Many times, your mind doesn't even need any sort of justification to do it, you just want to do it. A lot of the times, I would buy another half gram or so, just because I had trouble sleeping on it (in the beginning) and would stay up so long that I couldn't go to sleep because I would miss work or something like that. I don't know how much this will help, but perhaps if you switch to intranasal administration in the meantime IF YOU DO BREAK AND SLIP UP to avoid the fiend-y nature of smoking it. Every time I would quit for a short amount of time I would just long to smoke it. I didn't care about how it would make me feel, or what I could use it for, but just that feeling of inhaling for 30-45 seconds per rip and blowing out a big dragon's breath cloud. Just long for the taste of the vapor (from ice; didn't care too terribly much for the taste of yellow annie).

When I did finally quit for a while before returning to it for nostalgia, I still would fiend the pipe for months. It's all I wanted. At this point, I've beaten it to the point that I can do it, stay up for 2 or 3 nights freebasing, and then put it down without relapsing-which is how you really want any type of recreational drug use. I might fiend for a day or two after putting it down, but that's about all.

I'm not sure exactly how addictive other routes of administration are, but I've heard that freebasing can be just as addictive if not even more addictive than IV administration. For some reason, smoking it is just a very fiendish route that grabs ahold of many people. Yes, the IV administration will give a stronger rush and hit a lot harder, but for some reason, vaping it is just very fiendish.

I wish you a lot of luck in beating your addiction, because I know just how difficult this stuff is to give up. I smoked .5-1g a day for a year when I would do it, and now might do a teenager once every 6 months if even that often.

 

[pyshcocentric]

Yes, meth addiction is like that. I was addicted to methamphetamine for a year, and my RoA was freebasing. Many times, your mind doesn't even need any sort of justification to do it, you just want to do it. A lot of the times, I would buy another half gram or so, just because I had trouble sleeping on it (in the beginning) and would stay up so long that I couldn't go to sleep because I would miss work or something like that. I don't know how much this will help, but perhaps if you switch to intranasal administration in the meantime IF YOU DO BREAK AND SLIP UP to avoid the fiend-y nature of smoking it. Every time I would quit for a short amount of time I would just long to smoke it. I didn't care about how it would make me feel, or what I could use it for, but just that feeling of inhaling for 30-45 seconds per rip and blowing out a big dragon's breath cloud. Just long for the taste of the vapor (from ice; didn't care too terribly much for the taste of yellow annie).

When I did finally quit for a while before returning to it for nostalgia, I still would fiend the pipe for months. It's all I wanted. At this point, I've beaten it to the point that I can do it, stay up for 2 or 3 nights freebasing, and then put it down without relapsing-which is how you really want any type of recreational drug use. I might fiend for a day or two after putting it down, but that's about all.

I'm not sure exactly how addictive other routes of administration are, but I've heard that freebasing can be just as addictive if not even more addictive than IV administration. For some reason, smoking it is just a very fiendish route that grabs ahold of many people. Yes, the IV administration will give a stronger rush and hit a lot harder, but for some reason, vaping it is just very fiendish.

I wish you a lot of luck in beating your addiction, because I know just how difficult this stuff is to give up. I smoked .5-1g a day for a year when I would do it, and now might do a teenager once every 6 months if even that often.

thanks bro i do appreciate this, because allot of what i want and need to get thru this is others experiences, and not the sugar coated kind. I have also been told this by another person through PM that i might want to change my RoA, and to me that makes COMPLETE sense cuz there is no question that i am addicted to the glass pipe... literally everything about it... but i really dont think i want to snort it... im thinking capsules... that is how i started out, taking 2-3 70mg vyvanse a day.

again thank you for you input! everyone on Bluelight has been so awesome and very supportive!

 

[badfish45]

Intranasal use would be more ideal, however the goal here should be to quit now and see what the future holds. It is possible you will relapse so if you do, I suppose that'd be a more effective method. I suggest right now you just work on putting it down. Constantly remind yourself of the negatives of meth and how your life will be better without it. It's not worth going through the shit it brings.

 

[pyshcocentric]

Intranasal use would be more ideal, however the goal here should be to quit now and see what the future holds. It is possible you will relapse so if you do, I suppose that'd be a more effective method. I suggest right now you just work on putting it down. Constantly remind yourself of the negatives of meth and how your life will be better without it. It's not worth going through the shit it brings.

yes i completely agree.


Though i do appreciate your insight Jktm, i am going to put all of my mental focus on abstinence. i feel that it will be most beneficial to quit now, before i compound the already existing issues.

 

[Jktm]

That's why I put in caps "if you slip" lol...I realize abstinence is the true goal, just suggested insufflation as a less fiendish route...

 

[pyshcocentric]

That's why I put in caps "if you slip" lol...I realize abstinence is the true goal, just suggested insufflation as a less fiendish route...

ohh i see it cool bro, yea that pretty much exactly what i want thinking thx man!

 

[MoreEnergyThanHer]

omg just took me two hours to figure out i couldnt post cause im not logged in >.<
seriously though if your questioning who is in control then its most likely not you, this stuff is tricky, sneaky, selfish, wants you all to itself. If i were you id quit before withdrawals include psychosis and what feels like a full-body flu. But you no, you'll do what you will- I did!

 

[ugly]

I have read so much about meth for so long on this board that I'm perma-scared to smoke it. Even if a pipe is put to my lips and lit, I turn away. If so many experienced meth users say that smoking it is asking for some real trouble, I BELIEVE them wholeheartedly.

Nose a little now and again... that's just fun.

I'm so convinced I'll turn into a monster that I won't touch an ice pipe. I'd like to experience the sensation but I'm just not willing to cross that line and find out.

 

[ArtVandalay]

I've been sober for over a year- opiates my doc- and the only thing I still crave is smoking meth. Just the act of smoking it, rolling the glass pipe, finding some at the bottom the next day. All that shit. It's hard to get the fiendish thoughts out of your mind. Thank god I have no more connects!