I made many, many attempts in my mid twenties. After I got out of the military. Always the same method, always the same result...a visit to the hospital, many times in ICU. The worst one ended in moderate brain damage, I was so different "weird and uncomfortable to be around" said by friends I had had for 10 years. They all evenualy stopped talking to me all together and I was left with feelings of abandonment and lower than low self esteem.
I've never fully recovered from those loses. How can I trust anyone to be there for me when my best friends could do it? I have only made one attempt in 6-7? years. Pretty good in my book, but I won't become friends with new people and have become a shut in. I'm very kind, caring and will literally give the shirt off my back for someone I barely know. I do have one person who has stuck by me through all these years and oddly enough it's my ex wife. Due to my low self esteem I am completely conviced that no one would want to be around me, I don't even want to be around me. My ex consistently reminds me that every person I meet loves me and thinks I'm a very calm, collected (although a little spacey) guy but I can't allow them to know me in fear that they will find out what I'm truly like. A self loathing ball of hurting flesh.
I still go through long bouts of suicidal idiation where all I can do is lay in bed, face down, in the dark, with a loud fan on to drown out my thoughts...it can last days to weeks. I go to the psychiatrist (I'm medicated) and therapist and group therapy, but nothing seems to make a difference. There's always a voice in the back of my head telling me how nice it would be not to exists or feel anymore. End the cycle of emotional pain.
The ONLY things that holds me back are my children. They have saved my life over and over. How could I leave them like that and emotionally scar them so much that they may end up feeling that way too someday...I live for them. I don't live for myself.
I have no religion or spirituality of any form. I can only hope that when I do eventually pass on that this human life is all that exsists, a complex series of chemical reactions. I died once in ICU and was in a coma for a few days...if was the most peace I have ever felt...nothingness. I saw no light or anything of the sort. Just nothing. That thought is very comforting to me, that once this life is over it's over. I can only hope that I never make another attempt, but it's a constant fear.
Thanks for listening...