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Who cares what his/her partner thinks or feels?

Animal Mother

Animal Mother

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 6, 2007
Messages
3,411
There was recently a big argument with my gf, basically the point is: She is astonished to hear that I don't give too much importance to the fact that she truly *loves* me and that I should support her in her professional and personal life since then she can demonstrate that she is going to stay with me because she loves me and not because she is dependent on me or in some other way "enslaved".

Why should I care about reason why a person is with me, it's their freaking feelings not mine!! I'm more concerned if said person satisfies some set criteria and whether or not I am spending some pleasurable time with them where my needs are being met...And what do they feel, why they are there and what they think about me, why should I bother??

In that sense also, it's perfectly acceptable if the person would also stay just because of money or some other benefit other then *love* since the net effects are basically the same no matter motivations...I am not angry with girls dating only guys with BMWs etc. on the contrary at least there is a clear path set what they want, in other cases it's just wishy-washy hunky-punky endless drama of *feelings*...worries, questioning, judging.

I have a friend who, when he wants to go out, takes a phonebook and simply calls one name after another until he finds enough people to fill a club table. There is no emotion involved there, he doesn't care if your freaking ass doesn't show up, he's calling another name, and no hard feelings...Needless to say I am not necessarily angry with this, more or less I see it just as another way to optimize resources...

*****

what resources exactly? and what relevance does it have in your current situation with your girlfriend that you are trying to be aloof about, but are obviously affected by?

...kytnism...:|

*****

Uhhm do you even love your gf? Of course people are in a relationship because they love and care for each other. As I read your post I feel that you are not in love with your girl. It seems too that she expects too much from you.

I care about MY girls feelings. Why? Because I care about her. She means EVERYTHING to me. That's why I'm with her. If she didn't, i wouldn't be with her. I've never viewed love as a "what have you done for me" situation, though.

You obviously have some pretty serious issues with seeing people as objects. I would honestly suggest that you seek psychiatric help for the relationship problems that you continue to have.

*****

Beachcat said:
You obviously have some pretty serious issues with seeing people as objects. I would honestly suggest that you seek psychiatric help for the relationship problems that you continue to have.
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Agreed 100%.

OP, in case you didn't know, the way you are describing that you feel is NOT the norm. This is not the way most people feel. I feel very bad for your girlfriend if she is just now finding out this is how you feel. In all seriousnes you should maybe see about counseling. Your statements above come across as extremely callous, selfish and cold. Is it just with this current girlfriend that you feel this way about or in any or all relationships. If it is just the current girlfriend then maybe that explains a little but if that is the case then you should let her go so that she can find someone that cares for her and her feelings.

*edit*

After reading your prior posts I realize it is not a problem with just this girl you have...the problem is most definitely you. I would definitely suggest getting a psychiatric evaluation as you most definitely fit the descriptionof a sociopath. Not saying this to be inflammatory but it is obvious you have some very serious issues.

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/682286-Stuck-in-a-LTR-rut-which-is-getting-boring-cant-motivate-partner-to-rise-her-quality

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/676104-What-some-people-(including-girls)-cannot-grasp-albeit-it-makes-perfect-sense

*****

Alright. Don't everyone jump me at once, but
I kind of feel like this person has put alot of my shallow thoughts, that i don't feel allowed to talk about, into words into words in his other thread.

Have you read his other posts? Surely you jest...this guy has some serious issues.

Yeh this guy is a heartless individual, I've seen his previous threads. Get some help op.

*****

OP you come on here for attention and to display your lack of emotional intelligence/awareness. maybe i'm wrong but that's what i've seen so far...

obviously your girlfriend cared enough to get upset so maybe you need to learn how to fake those feelings so that these rows don't happen anymore.

you seem quite logic based in the extreme and this is fine but its causing you problems. maybe to deal with them you need to grow as a person and develop your caring side.

basically what has upset her is that when you don't care about the other persons feelings the only thing glueing the relationship together are shallow things like: i like your ass, your car is nice, you make me dinner every day.

on top of shallow things there needs to be love otherwise the whole thing could disintegrate on a whim hence why she feels upset and insecure
 
Last edited by a moderator:
My apologies, I accidentally merged all the responses into the original post. I tried my best to separate the responses with a ***** ... if I got something wrong or if you'd like your name by the response, please PM me and I will fix it later this afternoon. Again, very sorry!
 
Animal Mother said:
There was recently a big argument with my gf, basically the point is: She is astonished to hear that I don't give too much importance to the fact that she truly *loves* me and that I should support her in her professional and personal life since then she can demonstrate that she is going to stay with me because she loves me and not because she is dependent on me or in some other way "enslaved".

Why should I care about reason why a person is with me, it's their freaking feelings not mine!! I'm more concerned if said person satisfies some set criteria and whether or not I am spending some pleasurable time with them where my needs are being met...And what do they feel, why they are there and what they think about me, why should I bother??
Click to expand...

Pooling of your resources (in whatever form) to achieve certain synergies as a couple is great and should underpin any relationship.

And generally speaking you are right, why should one human care about the feelings of another. And for the most part, no-one does.

Which is why it matters that you and your girlfriend care about each others feelings. Its another aspect of synergy, an interpersonal deal, that you will care about their feelings as long as they care about yours. Its nice to have at least one other person who cares about your feelings, even if their caring is just part of the relationship contract. Anyone can see the advantage to having a person willing to care about your feelings.

The question is then, is that benefit worth the effort you expend in caring about that other person? Many people believe it is.

Also, it is nice to have an affiliation. For instance, you can watch sport even if you don't support any particular team. The mere act of watching the game will fulfil your sport watching needs, why should you care who wins?
 
I am a little confused as to who the OP is, but I'll assume it's laVoix from those links. This dude is either a troll or a vulcan. Who writes a sentence like this:

The girl should act as a Darvinistic-female which assumes also competing with other females, posting better looking FB photos or more intriguing status updates as well as actively managing public relationship of the couple as to increase overall appearance of value for both in the general public. Being obedient is not a key, but not working against is utterly important.
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?

...or, maybe, just 15:

I simply refuse to sit depressed at home crying why I can't get supermodels (hell I'm not even in a social circle where those hang out and don't have a clue who gets access to those circles and how), better deal is to even go with bellow average and complain on the way why they're ugly haha
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those supermodels are always one step ahead dangit.

And what the hell is wrong with fords anyway?
 
Here is a cognitive science perspective.

People are general problem solvers. We look out at the world, find problems, and then make them our own. When we make them our own, they become our life projects.

Brains are modelling machines. They interact with the world, and create an internal model of the external world. Brains are also capable of mutual modelling; two brains modelling each other to create an internal model of the other's beliefs and desires.

A proper relationship is caring for another person such that each person allocates their metabolic resources for the benefit of aiding in the other's project.

So, assuming you are in a proper relationship, she expects you to model her beliefs and desires, and allocate your resources to help her in her life projects.

When you don't care what she beliefs or desires, you aren't in a proper relationship.
 
OP, here's an answer you'll probably like better and understand:
if your SO (or any other person) satisfies your needs and the time you spend with her is pleasurable, this person is an asset for you. If you lose her you will maybe need to find a replacement, with all the risks and costs it entails. So it's in your best interest knowing why she sticks with you, so you can reduce the possibility of losing her.

Furthermore, it is often true that if you care about your SO, make her(him) happy, make her(him) feel loved, therefore increasing her(his) sense of happiness and wellbeing she(he) will do the same to you, leading to an increase of utility/happiness for the both of you.

TL;DR: From a selfish, calculating point of view you should care because it'll benefit you, too. It's an investment that in healthy relationships usually pays off.
 
peterjones said:
Here is a cognitive science perspective.

People are general problem solvers. We look out at the world, find problems, and then make them our own. When we make them our own, they become our life projects.

Brains are modelling machines. They interact with the world, and create an internal model of the external world. Brains are also capable of mutual modelling; two brains modelling each other to create an internal model of the other's beliefs and desires.

A proper relationship is caring for another person such that each person allocates their metabolic resources for the benefit of aiding in the other's project.

So, assuming you are in a proper relationship, she expects you to model her beliefs and desires, and allocate your resources to help her in her life projects.

When you don't care what she beliefs or desires, you aren't in a proper relationship.
Click to expand...

Well said.
 
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