Who am I? - A self reflection that I need a little outside help with.

[Pillthrill]

(Mods feel free to edit for readability, it was kinda a flow of consciousness type of writing. English and Grammar, add to the things I'm not good at.)
I decided to post this here rather than anywhere else because I know you guys will take this as seriously as I do. And I greatly appreciate it.

Recently someone asked me to describe myself and this is the best I could come up with...



IF TOO LONG SKIP TO THE BOTTOM PLEASE! **



I love the color pink and dancing just for fun. I laugh at stupid perverted things and always seem to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. I can cry easy,sometimes for no reason. I can be hurt easily but forgive almost just as easy. People say I'm much stronger than I even know. And I've grown stronger throughout the years. I have dealt with many things and bear many scars (many from growing up) from them. But I have endured, made it through and grown from them. I still have my demons to battle but I'm actually winning now and then. Although I now often am able to see a light at the end of the tunnel I'm no where near perfect. I sensitive and compassionate with a desire to help others. I enjoy being around people,friends and my boyfriend, spending time on the internet, and talking to my internet friends, taking photos, dancing and escaping into my movies and TV shows. I like Sci-Fi, Thriller (M. Night Shyamalan) cult classics, Comedy,the "mindf*** " movies (Primer, Brazil, P) and SOME reality TV but I refuse to watch horror. I can handle gore in a medical setting or crime scene photos but I can't watch horror. Perhaps its the "moving" violence or the unnerving anxiety it creates in me. I miss singing and going to concerts I like a lot of different music but I found I'm for sure a fan of new rock. But I'm listening to more new stuff. Here is a playlist that I made. It started with my introduction to Rock music (I grew up on older stuff 50's music when I was a kid, and country is what my parents listened to. Good Ol' KBOE) which was "Paralyzer" by "Finger Eleven" I was a person looking for a way to say what I felt...and music allowed that. Now I've liking new stuff, you will find at the bottom of the playlist.

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/788738315

I'm a night owl and a homebody. I would much rather snuggle at home with a movie than go out to one, unless its a dinner-date special occasion type of thing. But I'm always up for something new and exciting. Something I've never done before. I enjoy a good party if I click well with people. I often find myself self-contentious and feeling awkward. I don't really know if I come off that way. I sometimes wonder if I talk to much. I'm vulnerable. I have few friends and I find it difficult to trust people .But the few I have are family. I am a very open and honest person. I use quotes to explain how I feel. I have drama, mistakes and memories; but I'm just me and thats all I can be. I'm trying to learn from it and live it. I'm very passionate about helping others. I love the study of human beings. Psychology and sociology and I feel like my "calling in life" is to help others. I want to be a counselor and help young people who are suffering with the same demons I did. I want to teach them the things that if I had learned sooner would have greatly improved my quality of life. I want to change and maybe even save lives. I love unconditionally.

My emotions are changeable. Presented with contrary evidence I can admit I'm wrong and promptly change my thoughts and actions. I cannot stand to be a hypocrite. I am a worrier.Math is near impossible for me. I LOVE to learn new things! I actually like lectures if they interest me. I am intelligent. I like to use colors ( my 2 favorite are pink and black) to express myself. I know a lot of people have seen me at my very worst. I know they have seen scary sad parts of me. But going through those things made me who I am today and will continue to shape who I become. And now, I truly believe I'm a pretty neat person.



Now I question...should I really be the one to say who I am? Aren't I biased? Do people see me always as I want them to see me? So I'm asking you, will you be my "mirror" to reflect a honest picture of myself back to me? How can I work on issues if I don't know I have them or how bad they are? How can I feel good about something I don't know people like about me?



** So I ask you, who is PillThrill? This is the question I would like you to answer as I know many of you will not read the whole post.

I know not all of you have been on "this journey: with me or may only know a little bit about me. Feel free to say what you believe to be true. I fear that there will be blemishes on my reflection that scare me or I want to deny or argue with but I think its an important past of this self-assessment.
Thank each and every one of you in advance for you comments.

 

[Help me please]

^ Pill, you are a beautiful woman with a Julia Roberts smile that always make me smile back when I see it. You have amazing hair and eyes too and a killer body.

Okay, that is what I can see when you post. The rest are things you know to be true about yourself. I think you are a compasionate woman. Maybe a bit shy and a tad submissive too?

Over all though, I think you are the kind of person we all would want as a friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend etc.

You are still young. Enjoy the time you have to change your mind about your future as many times as you wish. I think you would be great with kids in any capacity! You do seem like you have lots of love to give.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

PT; you're a great Bluelighter and a meaningful contributor to our community.

 

[ocean]

I think if someone asked you to describe yourself, then it is YOU who they wanted to hear from.
Hearing how a person describes themselves, tells a lot about that person.....

I think you are a sweet girl, who has had many troubles and has grown a lot over the last few years.

I understand you are wanting our opinion, so you can grow from it, which is admirable......putting yourself out there is a risk and I think it tells a lot about who you are right now......
But the only opinion of the person you are that should matter, is your own.
If you are happy with who you are, then who cares what anyone else thinks.

There is a thead in P&S right now called When did you become you? - you might find it useful in your search to better understanding yourself.
Good for you wanting to better yourself PT

 

[Lolie]

Wow. You answered that question far better than I've ever been able to when asked it by counsellors/shrinks.

Based solely on that post, you sound like someone I'd like to know in real life.

And the point of the question is to get away from defining yourself in terms of your issues and your flaws. A friend of mine who's also a counsellor once described me as "dedicated to process". What she meant was that I spent so much time and energy on my quest for self-improvement that I never actually enjoyed myself or appreciated my good qualities - I saw myself as a constant renovation project.

 

[unsettled]

I don't know you or your story, I've seen some of your posts here and there but that's all.

Based on what I just read I'd say you are a very special person, you are willing to put yourself out there with all your so called "flaws" and ask people for advice to help you grow as a person. That says a ton about your character, just the fact that you want so badly to grow and help others and are willing to take chances to grow means you will grow and are probably much more valuable than you give yourself credit for.

I'd guess you're in your early twenties so there is no need to rush, especially since apparently you and so many of us on this forum have been through our own personal hells, just enjoy the process of living and growing. I have a hard time doing this.

I agree that your opinion of yourself is the most important one, just be proud of who you are and try and continue to cultivate self confidence, sensitive people have a lot to offer the world but often have the hardest time dealing with the world.

You are a very beautiful person inside and out from what I can see. This world needs more people like you.

 

[Lysis]

You're looking great, PT. You seem to be maturing into a fine young lady. Reading your last few posts/threads, I notice you're a different person from a couple years ago. That's a good thing. Keep it up, and the world is your oyster.

 

[Asclepius]

I often ask myself the same question but what I focus on is my relationship with self as I can easily lose this if I neglect it.
The most important thing is how you feel about yourself hun, no-one can define you for yourself. People have their own positive and negative prejudice they may project onto you, so whats important is that it's yourself you are stuck with.
How you use that knowledege about yourself and apply it to Society and to certain situations is a great Asset and only you can understand what works/Not for you based on your own Experience.
Paradoxically, We never truly know ourselves completely, at any moment we can change and be shaped and moulded by our own subconcious or the Collective-unconcious; so some part of us is just a victim of circumstance, however to be honestly Aware of this means you will never be held Captive to Forces outside yourself.
Was lovely reading about what you like and dislike etc some of which I can identify with...
Can I say though that you dont have to live to please other people, sometimes other people dont/wont understand you the way you do(Sometimes they might, but unforunately, we all have our 'issues' clouding our judgement) and might not have the same compassion for you as you'd Hope/Need, so stay Strong in yourself!! If you make mistakes be quick to learn and leave them behind. You seem like such a sweet person and good luck in your endeavours!

xxx

 

[Chalice]

Introspection is a great thing and you have found some wonderful things about yourself. You seem like a truly kind spirit, congrats and best of luck in the ongoing journey

 

[unsettled]

‎"Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering." - Don Miguel Ruiz