Which one do you consider cheating??

[CuPillar]

i can't believe most people don't think situation 1 is cheating.. there is intent, even if there is no phyisicality

 

[Chaos23]

If I found out my wife or girlfriend was hanging out in intimate situations with another man I would be very upset about it. (especially if she didn't tell me, or if she was hiding it and lying about where she was at)

It seems as though the first situation would certainly progress from a non-sexual relationship into a sexual one. I have been in situations with girls who had boyfriends many times, and it USUALLY ended in sex.

It starts out just 'friends' or 'drinking buddies' and ends up being a fuckfest of epic proportions. (IMO anyway)

If the wife was honest about it with the husband, I bet he would get off his ass and pay more attention to her so this douche bag wouldn't fly in and nab his lady.

 

[elfdancer]

I'd say #2 is "cheating," but #1 is still "inappropriate."

 

[DarthMom]

Never said it was. All I'm saying is that you forfeit your right to happiness the moment you decide to have children. If you have a kid, you have a moral obligation not to fuck up its widdle head.



I intentionally made it a false dilemma in response to the false dilemma of "Two unhappy unfullfilled parents or two happy fullfilled parents."



Are you able to discuss an issue without resorting pseudo-intellectual existential hippy mumbo-jumbo ramblings of "Nothing is knowable maaaaaan! We all have different perceptions of reality maaaaaaaaaaan! Just because that is your concept of truth doesn't mean it's true to everyone maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!"
For those of us who don't smoke dope while reading Kant, this line of reasoning gets very tedious.

i agree with you. we have an obligation to our kids. unless the relationship is absurdly unhealthy, i would stick it out. i made a commitment and i am sticking with it, for my children. i do not believe for a minute they would be happier with two homes. fortunately though, i am not speaking from experience, but being married for 5 years, and going through issues in the past, it is something i have dwelled upon.


for the OP, they are both wrong/cheating. i would be more hurt emotionally by the first, and i would be more hurt in the fact that my husband isn't the man i thought he was in the second. both would hurt equally in different ways.

 

[GoddessLSD-XTC]

"Cheating" isn't a fair word for it. What's NOT happening in both circumstances is SHARING.

I believe in open relationships where soulmates don't keep secrets and share their fantasies. If I was the woman in situation #2 I'd be pissed that they guy didn't invite me for a three way. I'd say to him: did U get her phone number? I'd like to meet her to see if she's better than me or equal. If I could get along with her, I wouldn't mind sharing him with her.

In regards situation #1: After 20 years marriage, especially if the kids are grown, I see nothing wrong with trying something/someone new.

 

[Chaos23]

^^^^
This works for some people, but I used to be involved in the swinger's scene, and I have only seen about 3 couples out of hundreds of people that actually stayed together and were happy after a few years. (of course the people I am speaking about were all young, and most of them probably would have broken up anyway)

When I was involved with 'sharing' my fiance of 8 years with people I would still feel jealous. She would get jealous of me.

I got feelings for the girls a lot of the time. We hung out all the time together, and there was a definite emotional attachment to them that was inappropriate for a person in a long term relationship.

i am not saying that it could never work out, but I am stating that in my vast personal experience that I chose to NEVER live that lifestyle again. There are far too many complications and too much heartache in the long run. Everyone else I know to have personally been involved in this agree. The 3 couples who are still together do not participate in, and would not even consider being in the lifestyle again.

It was fun while it lasted... but it was also what destroyed my previous relationship. (well, that and all the hard drugs we were injecting)

just my opinion

 

[GoddessLSD-XTC]

^^^^
The way I figure it is: if you're meant to be together and if you're truely friends, no matter what happens, you'll still be friends. (When U get older, you appreciate GOOD friends more; quality versus quantity.)

As 4 jealousy, I'd tell either of them that if they want eachother, they can have eachother. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. Karma, etc.

The BF I'm talking about (above) dated a friend of mine and "dumped" me but she got tired of him and I'm still friends with them both. He talks to me every day and I saw her last night -- too bad she, a friend of hers and a guy they picked up, came by after midnight and woke me up instead of earlier. They BOTH paid 4 the karma of their Deadly Sins.

The key to a good relationship/friendship is to live separately and never get married or have children (this world isn't fit for children to suffer).

 

[skahead17]

i dont know guys but maybe its just me but it's pretty god damn obvious that situation 2 is fucking cheating. he fucked another woman behind his loving wife's back.....i mean how is that not cheating. that's just a scumbag thing to do. he's gotta respect his wife. and situation 1 is not cheating, just friendship, maybe a really close friendship, but thats all it is.

 

[My Higher Self]

IMO, those of you that think only number #2 is cheating, place entirely too much importance on sex in a relationship. Sex alone does not define a relationship.

 

[Zagenth]

Ok, I only read the first few posts, but I'm not reading through 5 pages of this to have my say (especially since some of the posts are really long).

Ok, for the naive, situation #1 is not cheating right at that second, but the way it's progressing, it WILL BE CHEATING given a little more time. Most (if not ALL) of the lonely housewives cheating start out EXACTLY like that. They start talking more and more, start hanging out more and more, the gifts get more and more elaborate, eventually, a kiss will happen, and soon after that, sex will happen. Honestly, if any of you can't see that, then you're blind.

The second scenario is definitely cheating, how could it NOT be?? He clearly had sex with someone that is NOT his wife.

If this is a post made by someone that is in the same scenario, then they are just looking for a justification to not label themselves a cheater. The woman is in scenario #1, and I think it's ludicrous for her to think that she is NOT on the path to cheating. More and more "private" dance lessons, gifts being exchanged, meals being shared with each other. Hmmm, what does that sound like? Yes, you got it, DATING. She is dating this instructor, which is actually more damaging than a one-night stand by the husband. The husband had a one-night stand, fucked a stripper, and left. The wife is developing a semi-romantic relationship with the instructor. Her involvement is more damaging because she is attatching emotions to it, the one-night stand husband is not. He will forget about the tail he got, while she will be fantasizing over the dick she got.

Don't get me wrong, I am the biggest proponent of chastising cheaters, I despise them. But with the two scenarios that were offered in the OP (again, I didn't read the entire thread, thought it would be filled with sexist arguing and petty crap), BOTH have the very real capability of crossing the line into cheating. The second scenario is obviously cheating right there! However, the first scenario is on a 1-way ticket to cheatville.

Bottom line, if the OP IS in the first scenario, then she should be aware that her actions are EXACTLY how cheating occurs. He obviously cheated already, but she can avoid cheating by not repeating and following up on her "dance" lessons.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[Medi57]

Number 2, he got caught.

 

[L O V E L I F E]

In my opinion, "Is this cheating?" is the wrong question to ask.

After all, what's done is done, and to ME, the only questons that the "cheatee" should ask HIMSELF/HERSELF are these:

(1) Can I TRULY forgive my partner?

If not, then the relationship is over - because no matter how hard I try to convonce myself to forgive her, if I truly haven't done so, then I'm going to be holding on to a pretty fucking HUGE resentment which will poisin the relationship forever.

(2) Can I TRULY trust my partner?

Agaiin, a "no" answer renders the relationship termanally poisined - imo, trust is a necessary (yet insufficinet) prerequisite to having a happy healthy relationship.

And if I can't TRULY trust you, then if I stay with you, that means that I don't value myself.

And if that is the case, then I might want to take myself out of the dating pool for now, and work on improving MYSELF.

 

[mindbodysOul]

1 No

2 Yes

I realise the irony of this question but i cant help my overall thoughts. If i found out my boyfriend had slept with a random girl i'd be much more pissed than if i had found out he had been getting alot of attention from a known 'friend'. After all, its only talking. Everyone can talk.

I think it comes down to sex being the thing that seperates you from being the friend to being the lover.

 

[starryXeyed]

Number 1 is starting to get on the inappropriate side, it could lead to cheating, but as long as that relationship stays where it is then everything is fine
as for Number 2...i would kill my husband if he did that, its one thing to enjoy yourself at a bachelor party, god knows the girl are gonna have fun to, but he took it way way way too far