i'm hesitant to get involved in this discussion, but i do strongly disagree with DD and the rest of the emotional cheating camp. i too reject the concept of emotional cheating outright. i've posted some thoughts on the subject in this forum in the past:
emotional cheating
i'm just going to focus on situation #1, because i think most of us can agree that in the average monogamous relationship, scenario #2 is cheating. whether or not it's forgivable is something else entirely, but the fact remains: the man engaged in sexual intercourse with a woman other than his wife. there's not a whole lot up for debate in a case like that. situation #1 is obviously more of a gray area.
let's revisit what's actually going on in situation #1:
the wife and the instructor are not having any sort of sexual relationship, nor talks sexual to eachother, but enjoy eachothers company and conversation in which neither were getting at home..is this cheating?
in my opinion, considering this cheating is a very dangerous approach. i'd like to know specifically what it is about this situation that indicates a breach of trust offensive enough to label it cheating? is it the fact that the wife is enjoying the company of a male other than her husband? the idea that the wife really *should* be getting this kind of attention from her husband instead? is it the wine and the feeding eachother? is the main concern that this relationship *could* cross the line into cheating in the future? i am curious to know exactly where the dealbreaking activity begins here.
i have a few initial points to make here while i wait for more clarification on why situation #1, which includes zero sexual activity, constitutes cheating:
1. people can have friends. furthermore, people can actually have (gasp!) opposite sex friends, even if they are married. a wedding band does not cut off all contact to the outside world, and i have a hard time understanding how a healthy person can feel genuinely threatened by their spouse simply associating with people of the opposite sex.
2. you can't ever be *everything* to someone, not even a significant other, and you really shouldn't have to. what a sad burden to carry, to be your spouse's only source of support, the only shoulder to cry on, the only person to ask for advice, the only way to ever feel accepted or loved, the only person to develop an emotional connection with...
3. people cannot always control their thoughts or feelings. what they can control is their actions. it's important to make a distinction between the things in our lives that can be restrained and the things that are beyond our power. it's doubly important to refrain from punishing people you love for uncontrollable things that are legitimately out of their hands.
i imagine the argument is that these two (the wife and the cooking instructor) are more than friends. well, maybe they are and maybe they aren't, and to assume that something more is going on perhaps speaks more to the individuals posting and their own insecurities than it does to the reality of the situation. i have a lot of platonic male friends, and i go out drinking with them, and i've fed plenty of them right from my hands. situation #1 qualifies as cheating for a lot of people because they have carried the scenario further to a conclusion that comes straight from their own imaginations.
some people see the friendship as cheating because the wife is getting something from the cooking instructor that she should probably be getting at home. while i can understand this point, and do agree that the married couple has a lot to work on, i don't believe that either spouse should feel obligated to provide for every possible emotional need of the other. i think they should try - i think everyone should try - but we need to acknowledge our limitations as human beings. again, i have a lot of male friends. sometimes i get things from them that i can't get at home, and it's really not the end of the world. sometimes it's a second opinion, sometimes it's a sounding board for my frustrations, sometimes my significant other simply isn't around since we're not together 24 hours a day, sometimes it's a laugh, sometimes it's an activity that my significant other doesn't particularly enjoy. and hey, occasionally i even need to vent *about her*!
isn't this pretty normal? how is the wife not well within her rights by entertaining herself with a friend while her husband is out doing other things? she likes cooking, he likes sports. should they both have to give these things up to ensure neither of them ever cultivates any kind of meaningful interaction with someone else? human beings are social creatures, and for anyone to assume that monogamy equals not caring for or needing anyone else again ever... well, good luck to you because you are in for a big disappointment. if your spouse actually expects you to be the lone provider of all things physical, emotional, and social, prepare for constant feelings of gross inadequacy as you plow through a series of failures because nobody can do that. it's just not realistic.
let's just say for argument's sake that the wife and the cooking instructor do feel something for eachother beyond simple friendship. how is this not perfectly natural? i'm intrigued by people all the time, and sometimes this grows into a little crush. is that really so criminal, these moments where "your heart strays"? i don't know about the rest of you, but i have not reached that ultimate state of zen-like mastery where i can turn my heart off right at the point where i feel myself becoming fascinated by another. maybe it's because i don't want to ignore my feelings (and why should i?) but i doubt it - i don't think our private thought and feelings are that easily limited. are people really suggesting that *thinking* about someone else romantically or sexually is cheating? really? if so, do you consider fantasizing cheating too? are you cheating every time you whack off to porn? how about if you spank it to the thought of an ex? do you see where i'm going with this?
wow, this post is getting long. i'll wrap this up for now by answering the original question directly:
- situation #1 is not cheating. however, it is potentially a red flag.
- situation #2 is cheating.