Which one do you consider cheating??

[psychetool]

emotional cheating? wtf.

no such thing.

having close friends is perfectly ok.

Agreed, especially since we have already established that...

She has been married to her husband for almost 20 years and were high school sweet hearts, her husband works a regular job, but is getting no where in his career, in which his spare time is spent with his buddies at sport events and the local bar in which puts a strain on his marriage, comes home most nights late and on weekend doesnt spend time with his family.

They are simply good friends. That is not cheating. If the husband showed more interest and care, she wouldn't be hanging out with this other man. And that's ALL they are doing, hanging out and enjoying each others company. How is this cheating AT ALL ? Is there some rule when you get married that you can only enjoy each others company and no one else ? Fuck that.

Where as #2 is completely cheating, and potentially exposing his wife to STDs from a stripper who gets paid to dance naked or fuck.

 

[supertrav77]

my considered answer:

#1 is cheating to some. to others, it may not be cheating
#2 is cheating to some. to others, it may not be cheating

alasdair

Do you sit around all day thinking "What is the least fun, the least interesting, the least discussion-provoking, and the most utterly point-missing answer I could possibly give?"

The title of the thread is "Which one do you consider cheating??" . Not "Which one do other people consider cheating".
It's what YOU consider cheating.
YOU
--------------------------------->YOU<-----------------------------

 

[alasdairm]

i didn't miss the point at all so you're demonstrably wrong there. i simply wish to approach the discussion from a different perspective.

if that annoys you - or you don't understand it - your best approach is probably to simply sit this discussion out.

regards

alasdair

 

[_a_A_C_c_]

my considered answer:

#1 is cheating to some. to others, it may not be cheating
#2 is cheating to some. to others, it may not be cheating

alasdair

i agree with this answer. everyone has different boundaries that govern their relationship.

 

[Swiss Banker]

Pardon me, it's just that you often seem to be questioning the value of some threads when you ask why they were posted and I guess because there is no tone on the internet it can come across as condescending.

If that was not your intention then I apologise.

I think that the question of motive of the OP is often a VERY important issue.

Many posts in SLR seem to tend towards the "I really want to fuck this (guy/girl) but I feel its wrong and I want someone to tell me it's ok..." or "I really want to give my SO a ton of shit about the relationship he/she has with this (guy/girl) but deep down I feel like I'm being a possessive asshole/bitch and I need the SLR forum to validate possessive behavior I am pretty sure is not acceptable."

Often posts with these tenors are covered in deep layers of denial and miasma. Asking what the point of the post is (and probing to discover the real motives of the OP) is an entirely legitimate (even necessary) practice, I think.

Is it condescending to ask these questions? Why would it be any more condescending than giving advice that smoothed over the OPs ruffled feathers? The OP has asked a question. The discussion is on the floor. Asking about the underlying issue is entirely fair game, in my (narrow?) view.

Personally, I feel "is this cheating," questions are subject to the rebuttable presumption that they are excuse generating endeavors. How many people actually ask these because they are engaging in a theoretical thought experiment (rather than a real, personally relevant situation?)

I hate to be a skeptic, but it seems to pay so well.

 

[randycaver]

the point of the thread (at least, what i inferred) was to discuss it those boundaries, not state the obvious. of course not everybody is governed by the same relationship rules.

 

[drews_secret]

I posted this to hear others opinions, because I value what others have to say and to learn from others, not to offend anyone.
Everyone has their own opinion on everything, expecally on cheating, my veiws are different than all of your veiws, so thus I asked you all for your input on it.
Another reason I asked is me and the s/o have VERY different veiws on cheating, so in order for me to understand and maybe see where he was comming from I decided to ask and get many different peoples opinions..anyway, I have the right to ask dont I?

 

[Samadhi]

Absolutely, drews_secret, you have every right. You know why you're asking the questions, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. The subject of cheating can be quite volatile, due to (echoing randycaver) the many differing opinions on what constitutes cheating.

I hope you find some answers.

 

[supertrav77]

i didn't miss the point at all so you're demonstrably wrong there. i simply wish to approach the discussion from a different perspective.

OK, cupcake. You fail to elaborate on how you you did not miss the point, so I am not demonstrably shit, sweetheart.
You gave an answer to a question that was not asked. And how exactly is that not missing the point?

BTW, I like how you don't contest that your posts are neither fun nor interesting. It's just the missing the point part that ruffles your feathers. Ha!

 

[alasdairm]

OK, cupcake. You fail to elaborate on how you you did not miss the point, so I am not demonstrably shit, sweetheart.

the sugar-coated insults ate not necessary and simply devalue your post. i've demonstrated in the thread that the point isn't simply to answer yes or no. the point is what i make of it so how can i miss it?

You gave an answer to a question that was not asked. And how exactly is that not missing the point?

it may not have been asked directly but that doesn't mean it wasn't asked...

BTW, I like how you don't contest that your posts are neither fun nor interesting. It's just the missing the point part that ruffles your feathers. Ha!

i've been around on bl - and irl - long enough to learn that whether you (or anybody here really) finds my posts fun or interesting, is not something which really concerns me greatly nor something i take very personally. i'd like to think many bluelighters find my posts fun or interesting but that's a separate discussion and not really one for this forum nor this thread. if you'd like to continue the insults and baiting, send me a pm?

let me try to distill what i'm saying here. again, just because i ask "what's the value in this discussion?" doesn't mean i think the discussion has no value. that's pretty straightforward.

to the op, you have every right to ask the question. indeed, i don't think anybody - myself included - is arguing otherwise. i have as much right to ask why you might ask such a question.

i think this issue goes a little bit deeper than how different people define cheating. i want to know why one person's definition of cheating should matter at all to another.

i honestly believe that if people looked inward and searched their own feelings for answers to questions like "what is cheating?" they'd find it a much more valuable use of emotional cycles than asking a bunch of internet strangers who, as rc notes (and i agree) are obviously all going to give different answers.

this is a discussion board and i believe i have a right - as a staff member even a duty - to encourage discussion. that's all i'm trying to do. i could have just added my answer to the list of answers, voted in the poll and moved on. but, as swiss banker notes, perhaps a deeper look at the issue is not only legitimate but necessary?

regards

alasdair

 

[fatallyflawed]

#2 for certain but 1 is a slippery slop!!

i think that there are things that should be addressed at their house and they need to try to fix their marriage....having been through something similar i think i understand it as a cry for love but her still longing for her husband!!

 

[drugfukkdrockstar]

Hey? I haven't postd in this thread yet. Do you mean, GM?

#1. I don't think it's cheating. That's normal human behaviour. If you're not getting what you need at home you will look for it elsewhere. Do we honestly expect people to live emotionally unfulfilled lives so that they can live up to an arbitrary moral standard? You could easily argue that the husband in that scenario is cheating his wife by not appreciating her or spending time with his family.

#2. This is cheating. Frankly I don't buy that anyone just falls into bed with anyone else without thinking about it. There is always that moment where you go, "Shit, I'm about to have sex!"
People who are in relationships know then to back out. You can't tell me that anyone doesn't realise they are about to cheat when they do it. You don't just accidentally have sex with someone.

Exactly.

 

[Beatlebot]

i honestly believe that if people looked inward and searched their own feelings for answers to questions like "what is cheating?" they'd find it a much more valuable use of emotional cycles than asking a bunch of internet strangers who, as rc notes (and i agree) are obviously all going to give different answers.

Which suggests you see no value in the discussion and you see it as a waste of time. Which then again contradicts this:

this is a discussion board and i believe i have a right - as a staff member even a duty - to encourage discussion. that's all i'm trying to do. i could have just added my answer to the list of answers, voted in the poll and moved on. but, as swiss banker notes, perhaps a deeper look at the issue is not only legitimate but necessary?

I have learnt so much from this forum by reading other people's opinions on topics such as this. I'm happy for anyone to take a deeper look at the issue, it just seems to me that your first post was rather sparse in detail and implied that there was no value in the discussion. Of course people should look inside themselves for answers, but there's no harm in seeing what others have to say first. I feel that people normally survey what others have to say and when the answers come back in so many differing forms they can then re-evaluate what they feel, know, have learnt. This is the value of SLR.

To suggest that people should skip the consultation part and "find the answers in themselves" makes this whole forum null and void. There's nothing wrong with bouncing ideas off other people.

 

[MrMoss]

1. Having friends of the opposite sex in not cheating ... it may be deemed so by an insecure/jealous partner however. Nonetheless it's not cheating.

2. Is most certainly cheating.

 

[neoblazing]

I believe both are cheating in a way in story 1 in could be said she is emotionally cheating with her instructor, that been said I personally see this as no more then a close friendship. In 2 there no mistake he cheated he knew it was wrong and still did it.

Thats just my 2 cents though.

 

[alasdairm]

Which suggests you see no value in the discussion and you see it as a waste of time. Which then again contradicts this:

i don't think they're 100% mutually exclusive and, as with most discussions on bluelight but especially in this forum given its nature, attempts to crudely polarize the discussion normally end in frustration.

To suggest that people should skip the consultation part and "find the answers in themselves" makes this whole forum null and void. There's nothing wrong with bouncing ideas off other people.

not at all. if i felt that the forum was pointless, i would not have contributed here for the last 5 years.

i think there's a great deal of valuable advice to be had here. i just think that the forum can definitely help with questions like "i'm leaving my partner - how can i make it suck less?" as opposed to "should i leave my partner?" where i think it can actually be emotionally dangerous to look outside of oneself of answers and that's why i discourage it.

i believe (from observation and experience) that people can actually cause themselves emotional harm by placing too much stead in what others think. i don't think encouraging people to search their own feelings for answers is something which should cause a stir in a forum such as this - i think it's entirely consistent with the aims of the forum and bluelight as a whole.

regards

alasdair

 

[BodhiSvaha33]

I would be willing to bet that most men see #2 as cheating and most women see #1 as cheating (or both). This would be even more true if you reversed the sexes in #1.

Women tend to feel more threatened by their partner being emotionally close to another woman; men tend to feel more threatened by their partner having sex with another man. There are plausible evolutionary-psychology reasons for this. A man's worst nightmare (genetically speaking) is to raise another man's kids unwittingly. A woman's worst nightmare is to be abandoned by her man and forced to raise her kids on her own.

After we'd been married for about 5 years, my wife went through a really down period in her life and she eventually disclosed to me that she was thinking about a guy she'd dated a couple of years before we met. She really thought he was going to be her soulmate, was totally invested in the relationship (although they did not have sex)... but then he hit her with the bomb -- he was already married. She broke it off immediately, but she still thinks about him sometimes and still wonders if she was meant to be with him. She told me this with an air of incredible trepidation, like she expected me to just kick her to the curb. Obviously I didn't; in fact, although it bothered me, it didn't bother me nearly as much as she clearly expected it to. We worked through it and we are still happily married two years later.

However, if she had told me that she had met a stranger in a club the night before and had a night of emotionally meaningless sex with him, we'd probably be divorced.

Men and women are different. (Thanks Sinbad! LOL)

 

[fatallyflawed]

well for the most part we are but u know what.........

#1 is pretty bad to me!! I think communication i REALLY important in a marriage and she or he is not communicating very well and it seems to me like its running away from a problem

 

[Mariposa]

Re: #1 - flirtation is not cheating. While the actions taken are not appropriate, I'm not a believer in thought crime. The behavior on the part of the woman is out of line, but does not cross that "line" into cheating. I'll have to consider this in more detail as to what constitutes "cheating" but the situation described is inappropriate and dishonest. It is not cheating, IMO.

Re: #2 - certainly cheating. If you make an agreement to be exclusive and you violate that in a tangible way, you've cheated.

This applies to both sexes and all genders. You make a vow to forsake all others when you marry (provided you are not in an open marriage) and my interpretation of "forsaking all others" does not include "coveting thy neighbor's spouse".

 

[fatallyflawed]

thats why im sayin 1 is a slippery slop that should just not be dealt with. The closer she gets to the teacher the more likely the "oops my pants fell down" is gonna happen!!

and only because Mariposa brought up i think that swinging isnt even really meant to be in this debate! under the lines that those rules are established by the couple so we wouldnt even be debating it as cheating in the first place!