Which one do you consider cheating??

[Beatlebot]

^ Nobody is forcing you to participate.

 

[alasdairm]

i don't feel forced to participate at all and i think my question is as relevant as any other.

to the op, this seems like a very loaded question. why ask this question in the first place? what do you feel is the value in this discussion?

alasdair

 

[exarkann]

emotional cheating? wtf.

no such thing.

having close friends is perfectly ok.

 

[Samadhi]

If my partner was neglecting me emotionally, etc (which is indicative of there being problems in a relationship), and was concentrating a lot on a female friend, i'd feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't necessarily consider it cheating, but it's not entirely kosher. However, if this behaviour wasn't a symptom of an unhealthy relationship - for instance, if both the man and woman have friends of the opposite sex that they spent time with, with neither of the couple feeling neglected or unappreciated by the other - and if they were spending time together, then there shouldn't be a problem.

To me, there seems to be an unhealthy streak in the relationship of situation 1.

Number 2 - cheating.

 

[Beatlebot]

i don't feel forced to participate at all and i think my question is as relevant as any other.

to the op, this seems like a very loaded question. why ask this question in the first place? what do you feel is the value in this discussion?

alasdair

Pardon me, it's just that you often seem to be questioning the value of some threads when you ask why they were posted and I guess because there is no tone on the internet it can come across as condescending.

If that was not your intention then I apologise.

 

[randycaver]

why question why he asked his question in the first place? it helps promote discussion, doesn't it? a lot of good questions are loaded.

personally i would feel that both could be cheating (one definitely is), and unless i was in a relationship where i felt that i had no future - i would be equally hurt by both emotional and physical only cheating. i just think, that personally, if i'm in a very serious relationship with somebody, and i start to equate sex with closeness i would have a hard time separating it from anything else. i would have to be i wouldn't buy the explanation that it was 'just sex'. i wouldn't buy any explanation really.. people choose the situations they put themselves in. there are no accidents in that regard.

in a way emotional cheating would help me - because if it was to that degree, that would help finalize the end of a relationship. if someone felt they could no longer confide in me or get joy and relaxation out of life with me - there's no fixing that. lube won't, hot wax won't, and threesomes won't. once that part of a relationship is over.. it's over. sure, you can try to fix it, but only for a brief time, but it's just a band-aid.

 

[L O V E L I F E]

I refuse to read even a single word of the original post (past the title of the thread).

"Cheating" to me means "breaking the rules" (express or implied) and since there are millions of relationships with myriad different sets of rules, what's cheating in one relationship could be construed as completely acceptable behavior in a different relationship.

With that said, it is possible for a person in a relationship to behave in a manner that he/she knows or should know is disrespectful/inconsiderate/unthoughtful/uncaring without breaking any bright line rules.

I happen to be in alasdair's camp on this one - the question itself is cheating me out of time I could be spending reading and contributing to threads that actually promote valuable discussion.

To me, the bottom line is this:

If you consistently:

(1) KEEP YOUR WORD;

AND

(2) OBEY THE GOLDEN RULE

. . . then you won't have to ask silly questions like "is this cheating?"

 

[helium-4]

Both.

 

[lady grey]

Personally i would feel that both could be cheating (one definitely is), and unless i was in a relationship where i felt that i had no future - i would be equally hurt by both emotional and physical only cheating. i just think, that personally, if i'm in a very serious relationship with somebody, and i start to equate sex with closeness i would have a hard time separating it from anything else. i would have to be i wouldn't buy the explanation that it was 'just sex'. i wouldn't buy any explanation really.. people choose the situations they put themselves in. there are no accidents in that regard.

In a way emotional cheating would help me - because if it was to that degree, that would help finalize the end of a relationship. if someone felt they could no longer confide in me or get joy and relaxation out of life with me - there's no fixing that. lube won't, hot wax won't, and threesomes won't. once that part of a relationship is over.. it's over. sure, you can try to fix it, but only for a brief time, but it's just a band-aid.

I couldn't agree more! Good post

 

[QuestionEverything]

I don't really see what the issue with the question presented here is. The OP is not asking for advice regarding a personal situation. She has presented two scenarios from a film that she watched and would like to gauge others' opinions on whether or not they consider these specific situations to be cheating.

Of course it varies from person to person, there would be no discussion otherwise . . .

What's the point? Curiosity? To gather opinions of the SLR posters? To discuss? Why not ask?

 

[alasdairm]

as rc says, i asked 'why ask?' as i'm interested in promoting a discussion which goes beyond the question as posed. on a discussion board this shouldn't really come as a surprise.

further, just because i ask "what's the value in this discussion?" doesn't mean i think the discussion has no value.

to me, the question seemed very loaded. further, the scenarios (in particular the second) seemed contrived to elicit a specific answer. both of these issues pricked my interest.

to echo lovelife, i know what i consider cheating and i generally know what boundaries i tend to set with a partner. as such, i couldn't care less how others define cheating. i'm interested to know why others do care.

alasdair

 

[Wildkarrde_II]

^ I think that many people do base their relationships on standards set by others.

They may feel uncomfortable about something in the relationship, but may have been taught that it's ok for that situation to occur, and thus their discomfort is misplaced and incorrect.

Now this is obviously unhealthy, but no less common despite that. Many women and men gauge how they should treat their s/o by their parents and peers, movies, etc, and ignore their own feelings and instincts.

Also, some people just like to know when others share their opinion. It provides justification in some cases, reassurance in others.

 

[L2R]

1. Only if the wife tries to keep it from her husband
2. Yes

Agreed with this.

Taking the story as though the friendship was secretive, as the husband was clearly not aware. Therefore, i voted that BOTH are cheating.

 

[ValeTudo]

Ignore the trolls alasdairm. I know it's frustrating,

Personally I'd be more worried/offended if my partner had an emotional affair.

 

[ostrich]

Hey? I haven't postd in this thread yet. Do you mean, GM?

#1. I don't think it's cheating. That's normal human behaviour. If you're not getting what you need at home you will look for it elsewhere. Do we honestly expect people to live emotionally unfulfilled lives so that they can live up to an arbitrary moral standard? You could easily argue that the husband in that scenario is cheating his wife by not appreciating her or spending time with his family.
.

So what if there was someone who wasn't getting any sex from a SO for some reason, would it be okay for a person to lead a sexually unfulfilled life so they could live up to an arbitrary moral standard?

- that wasn't having a dig at you, just curious as to your opinion.

I'm not sure as to which of #1 or #2 is worse, I don't think I'd be able to get over #2 though, even though it was drunk stupidity.

 

[Beatlebot]

^ Well I think it's a complex issue. I don't think it's ok for people to live unfulfilled lives at all. Unfortunately people can send out signals to their SO and talk about their unhappiness and suggest changes until they are blue in the face and not have any long-term results from it. I've experienced this myself. Sadly sometimes it takes a big event to make a couple realise just how worn they have let their relationship become.

Obviously the right thing to do is to break up before you cheat, but when people have families I don't think it's that simple.

No I don't think it's OK to lead an unfulfilled life just to live up to an arbitrary moral standard. Not when that moral standard insists that you sacrifice everything for your family and not receive what you need (in the way of love, companionship and support) in return. The OP did specify that that was the case in scenario #1

 

[privatecaller]

1 is emotional cheating.
2 is physical cheating.

they're both cheating.

 

[alasdairm]

my considered answer:

#1 is cheating to some. to others, it may not be cheating
#2 is cheating to some. to others, it may not be cheating

alasdair

 

[nile nykon]

I was just about to post, but then read the above posters post ^ ^.... my thoughts exactly.

 

[Pshaaw]

I suppose, situation #1 could be considered cheating.. emotionally..
situation #2 is definitely cheating..

I would be more likely to forgive someone who didn't have physical relations than someone who did.. just my two cents..