Last year I was dreading our first holiday season without my son. We are not a religious family but we have always celebrated a secular holiday season and we have lots of traditions that were uniquely ours. I could not fathom even hearing one bar of christmas music and we (my husband, son and I) agreed to just skip the whole thing. But my mother and sister and her husband decided that we needed cheering up and so they all drove down and stayed with us and it was a distraction to have the house full of people. But distractions are just that--they are temporary escapes from something you have to face. After the holidays I was more depressed than I had ever been since he died. I saw him everywhere. When I watched the surfers out in the breakers, I picked his board out. When a skater went zipping by on a skateboard with his hood up, I was sure it was Caleb. It was like I was back at stage one refusing to admit that my son was truly gone. It was scary.
This year I am doing better. There still is not one day that goes by without tears, but I don't even expect or want that to go away. Tears are fine. I'm not depressed and I think that is mostly due to the fact that I started exercising like a maniac, then progressed to a more sustainable level, and even though I have backslid a little bit lately, I am confident that the emotional reward I get from doing it will keep me at it.
I know that i am really lucky to have a family and good friends that not only talk about things openly but can accept my emotions without pressuring me to "get over it". I know that on a forum for parents that have lost children that a common source of agony is the pressure to "move on". I am thankful for my TDS family for their sensitivity and empathy as well, and I often blow people's minds by telling them that I get so much emotional support from the same drug forum that my son was on before his death.
My husband and I just celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary. We are in a very uncertain place as far as where we each want our lives to go but we are taking that in stride because the truth is we are very good friends and we want the best for each other. No one else in this world can ever know the depths of the pain of losing Caleb and that is a bond as strong as the bond of creating our two beautiful sons in the first place. It will be interesting to see where we are next year (Sero, make this thread next year!) but I feel positive that what is left of my little family will still be loving each other, growing and healing; and still missing Caleb with all our hearts.
Remember everybody: no matter where you are right now, life continues to change. Nothing is ever etched in stone. Intention and practical little baby steps are all we have and yet amazingly, they are enough. Love, love, love to you all. You inspire me and console me everyday.
