I've never done a journal or a blog, but I think it might help me to try to do one.
To start with I'm a 43 year old man trying to just make it through each day. It is starting to get a tad easier, why?? Not sure yet, I think that's one reason I'm writing this blog. Maybe I'll find something out in here. Goddess only knows why I didn't kill myself this spring. Well I can't say that, I know I was only living for one reason at that point, my son. He couldn't handle losing 2 parents one after the other. I just couldn't do that to him.
On February 27th of this year my wife Margo of over 20 years died, and so did I. She had been sick for over 10 years, really seriously from late 2002 on. On June 3rd 2003 she died in my arms. She wasn't breathing, had turned blue, and I couldn't feel a pulse. I freaked out and started to shake the fuck out of her screaming in her face to come the fuck back. Don't ask me who or why but she stared to breath and make noises. So began a 2 month stay in the hospital and the beginning of the end
Even at that point we should have been happy with any extra time we had together. In 2000 a bunch of specialist from the Boston area hospitals had given Margo about a year to live. They said she had some weird auto immune disease, which was secondary to some still unknown cause. Ya great thanks for all your help.. jeez....
In the late 1990's that was about the time I threw away about 15 years of sobriety, taking the occasional pain killer or two or three. I couldn't keep up with Margo's habit, after all they we're her pills right. But fuck man she was taking ungodly amounts of pain killers. So many of them the our insurance wouldn't pay for a lot of them (too early). I didn't know much of this, I just keep finding money missing from my wallet all the time. At some point there she stole a prescription pad from a doctor and started writing her own oxy scripts. After I don't know how many she wrote, the pharmacist being really, really cool about it handed back the script and said"you better take this back and have it checked theirs something wrong with it" then gave her the don't do it again look. Drugs change you and make you do and act in ways you would never do other wise. Before my wife got sick she worked at a hospital as an operating room tech and as a assistant for a anesthesiologist. She would never had thought of stealing or writing her own prescriptions.
In the mid and late 90's even before the medical stuff with my wife, we found out both my son and my wife had an eye disease called retinal cone dystrophy. It's a degenerative eye disease that will take most of their vision. Fucking yahoo!! My wife had lost her drivers license already at that point, they said our son would never drive. His eye sight seemed at that point to be almost as bad as Margo's. Plus after Margo losing her mom, step dad, brother then best friend. Things we're just totally sucking for us.
It doesn't matter how good of a relationship you have with your mate, when things are really bad, it in time can eat into resolve and even your love. We separated two times during that time, losing the best thing we had going. We didn't stop communicating because of our son, and in time we finally got past blaming each other for letting things get in between of us, and get in our way.
The years 1995-2003 seemed so hard for us then, we didn't have any idea just how hard things could get.
Thank you for reading.
IF ANYONE EVER READS THIS, PLEASE NEVER TAKE WHAT YOU HAVE FOR GRANTED. THIS IS ONLY A FLEETING MOMENT THAT WE HAVE HERE.
To start with I'm a 43 year old man trying to just make it through each day. It is starting to get a tad easier, why?? Not sure yet, I think that's one reason I'm writing this blog. Maybe I'll find something out in here. Goddess only knows why I didn't kill myself this spring. Well I can't say that, I know I was only living for one reason at that point, my son. He couldn't handle losing 2 parents one after the other. I just couldn't do that to him.
On February 27th of this year my wife Margo of over 20 years died, and so did I. She had been sick for over 10 years, really seriously from late 2002 on. On June 3rd 2003 she died in my arms. She wasn't breathing, had turned blue, and I couldn't feel a pulse. I freaked out and started to shake the fuck out of her screaming in her face to come the fuck back. Don't ask me who or why but she stared to breath and make noises. So began a 2 month stay in the hospital and the beginning of the end
Even at that point we should have been happy with any extra time we had together. In 2000 a bunch of specialist from the Boston area hospitals had given Margo about a year to live. They said she had some weird auto immune disease, which was secondary to some still unknown cause. Ya great thanks for all your help.. jeez....
In the late 1990's that was about the time I threw away about 15 years of sobriety, taking the occasional pain killer or two or three. I couldn't keep up with Margo's habit, after all they we're her pills right. But fuck man she was taking ungodly amounts of pain killers. So many of them the our insurance wouldn't pay for a lot of them (too early). I didn't know much of this, I just keep finding money missing from my wallet all the time. At some point there she stole a prescription pad from a doctor and started writing her own oxy scripts. After I don't know how many she wrote, the pharmacist being really, really cool about it handed back the script and said"you better take this back and have it checked theirs something wrong with it" then gave her the don't do it again look. Drugs change you and make you do and act in ways you would never do other wise. Before my wife got sick she worked at a hospital as an operating room tech and as a assistant for a anesthesiologist. She would never had thought of stealing or writing her own prescriptions.
In the mid and late 90's even before the medical stuff with my wife, we found out both my son and my wife had an eye disease called retinal cone dystrophy. It's a degenerative eye disease that will take most of their vision. Fucking yahoo!! My wife had lost her drivers license already at that point, they said our son would never drive. His eye sight seemed at that point to be almost as bad as Margo's. Plus after Margo losing her mom, step dad, brother then best friend. Things we're just totally sucking for us.
It doesn't matter how good of a relationship you have with your mate, when things are really bad, it in time can eat into resolve and even your love. We separated two times during that time, losing the best thing we had going. We didn't stop communicating because of our son, and in time we finally got past blaming each other for letting things get in between of us, and get in our way.
The years 1995-2003 seemed so hard for us then, we didn't have any idea just how hard things could get.
Thank you for reading.
IF ANYONE EVER READS THIS, PLEASE NEVER TAKE WHAT YOU HAVE FOR GRANTED. THIS IS ONLY A FLEETING MOMENT THAT WE HAVE HERE.