Mellabopper
Bluelighter
where do i draw the line?
between what you want
have always wanted
and what i want -
what i am?
whoever i am
whatever it may be
i like it
but you make me hate it
do you really want me to go back
to my old ways?
you have no clue what they were like
all you see are pretty pictures
a fake smile
a fake reality
but ironically
you want that more than my happiness...
i wasnt me back then
i was fake
i'll admit it now
but i never would have back then
i was a social climber
focused on looks
on money
on power
on selfish things
and somewhere along the way i lost myself
thats where i stopped and looked in the mirror
and sat down
and cried at who i had become
but now i have learned
grown a bit too, maybe?
yes, grown away from you
but i've become so much stronger.
i promise that its not your fault.
still you ask me to give it all up
why?
so you can show me off to all of your friends with a straight face
so you dont have to be embarassed when you are seen with me
but why, i ask
WHY do you let everyone else control your thoughts and actions?
you'd rather disown your daughter
than stand up to the world
now how do you think that makes me feel?
honestly, you have no clue
i look at young children
and their heroes are their parents
i look at young adults
and their enemies are their parents
i look at myself
and i feel worthless, with my old life
as my only enemy
haunting me still
because everyone sees that
and remembers how i was then
because they liked that better
because i blended in
and was silent.
they liked that better.
but not i
no, not i
for a split second the thought passes through my mind
that i should give it all up
go back to that time and place
to that person
take out the piercings
and return to conformity
because its easier that way.
close my mind again,
and turn into a cheap excuse for a human being.
yes, that would make you happy
but you have no clue how much it would kill me
how much i would kill myself
how can you even ask me to do such a thing?
i love you
but i dont agree with what you are saying
however you dont agree with what i am doing
as if you even knew half of it
of who i am
why do you think i am drifting away from you?
because everytime i talk to you
you push me into the dirt
spit on me
make me feel worthless
and sometimes i really think i am
but it's only because you tell me so
and my whole life i have taken your word as gospel
until now
so a choice must be made
as to what i should be:
your daughter,
and live my life superficially,
or should i be me,
knowing i disappoint you.
i wish i could do both at once
but alas i cannot
i just dont know
where to draw the line
between the two.
2-9-01 (2:19am)
Mellabopper
------------------
animals are for petting!
"does anyone know where we are? because i think i dont have a clue"
"damn the man, save the empire!" - empire records
Corruption is key.
between what you want
have always wanted
and what i want -
what i am?
whoever i am
whatever it may be
i like it
but you make me hate it
do you really want me to go back
to my old ways?
you have no clue what they were like
all you see are pretty pictures
a fake smile
a fake reality
but ironically
you want that more than my happiness...
i wasnt me back then
i was fake
i'll admit it now
but i never would have back then
i was a social climber
focused on looks
on money
on power
on selfish things
and somewhere along the way i lost myself
thats where i stopped and looked in the mirror
and sat down
and cried at who i had become
but now i have learned
grown a bit too, maybe?
yes, grown away from you
but i've become so much stronger.
i promise that its not your fault.
still you ask me to give it all up
why?
so you can show me off to all of your friends with a straight face
so you dont have to be embarassed when you are seen with me
but why, i ask
WHY do you let everyone else control your thoughts and actions?
you'd rather disown your daughter
than stand up to the world
now how do you think that makes me feel?
honestly, you have no clue
i look at young children
and their heroes are their parents
i look at young adults
and their enemies are their parents
i look at myself
and i feel worthless, with my old life
as my only enemy
haunting me still
because everyone sees that
and remembers how i was then
because they liked that better
because i blended in
and was silent.
they liked that better.
but not i
no, not i
for a split second the thought passes through my mind
that i should give it all up
go back to that time and place
to that person
take out the piercings
and return to conformity
because its easier that way.
close my mind again,
and turn into a cheap excuse for a human being.
yes, that would make you happy
but you have no clue how much it would kill me
how much i would kill myself
how can you even ask me to do such a thing?
i love you
but i dont agree with what you are saying
however you dont agree with what i am doing
as if you even knew half of it
of who i am
why do you think i am drifting away from you?
because everytime i talk to you
you push me into the dirt
spit on me
make me feel worthless
and sometimes i really think i am
but it's only because you tell me so
and my whole life i have taken your word as gospel
until now
so a choice must be made
as to what i should be:
your daughter,
and live my life superficially,
or should i be me,
knowing i disappoint you.
i wish i could do both at once
but alas i cannot
i just dont know
where to draw the line
between the two.
2-9-01 (2:19am)
Mellabopper
------------------
animals are for petting!
"does anyone know where we are? because i think i dont have a clue"
"damn the man, save the empire!" - empire records
Corruption is key.
