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Where I'm At in Recovering from a Serious Psychotic Reaction to Psychedelics

It's a baby!

It's a baby!

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 23, 2007
Messages
652
When I got out of the hospital i was on 20mg of aripirazole a day. This made me feel so straight-jacketed that I stopped taking it, experienced rebound psychosis, started on it again at a total of 5mg a day. I FINALLY saw an ACTUAL psychiatrist today and he put me on 1mg 2x/day of benzatropine to treat the severe akathisia I was experiencing from the aripiprazole.

This psychiatrist's goal is to have me off all meds by the end of August. As he said, if there's any "med" I really "'need" it's something like zoloft, but I'm not there yet, they're just figuring out my baseline still.

Benzatropine makes me feel loopy. It's an anticholinergic that causes psychosis in overdoses.

Be careful with dem drugs people! Be DAMN careful! I never thought I'd have a psychotic break and find myself in Buffalo General Hospital, but I did, and I was a voluntary admission.

You can't see the future, you're not a shaman, and seeing things isn't the same thing as Seeing Things :)

Peace and love!
 
The scariest part is KNOWING I can't smoke pot anymore. It contributed to the break. And I love stoners, and I always will, but I have to never take drugs again.
 
Do what you gotta do to get there, Baby.
If that means sacrificing pot to stay stable.
I'm currently trying to kick my pot habit.
I love it too much, and always struggle to find the strength to stay straight.
Sucks you have to battle meds in this moment in time, but August isnt far away!
Good luck with it.
Stay smart, and try not to think about the herb too much!!
:-)
 
I think so too. I know someday in the future, years from now, I probably "could" handle some lysergic acid diethylamide. But I was floridly psychotic and it was a GOOD mushroom trip that set it off. So yeah, fuck drugs, and fuck these drugs I need to take to keep me somewhat normal while I get off them.
 
Also there's plenty of mental illness in my family. No suicides but a LOT of melancholic people, particularly my mother. Lots of anxiety issues. My great-uncle on my father's side was a paranoid schizophrenic. My 1st cousin on his side falls somewhere on the schizoid spectrum absolutely for sure. My aunt on my mother's side had a psychotic break that lasted about a year induced by cocaine + SEVERE emotional trauma.

But there's no need to get all negative about it. Everyday I don't use drugs or alcohol is a good day. My aunt who went psychotic for a year got better and is no longer on meds. Psychosis just happens sometimes, it's a symptom not an illness.

Also ANYONE haveing issues with insomnia should try melatonin. My akathisia was so severe until now and melatonin really helped. The akathisia is still there but I'm not interested in taking a highher dose of an anticholinergic, y'know? I just want to get off my meds and never do drugs again. I chew the melatonin up and take it sublingually so it hits faster. I take it at around the same time every night, a couple of hours before "bed-time". When I first got out of the hospital I'd have panic attacks related to sleep.

EVERYBODY has mental illness in their family if they dig hard enough. Schizophrenia is in the human genome to some extent. We must be careful. I never thought about my weird drunk great-uncle, or my WEIRD cousin, or my cool aunt who was rumored to have suffered a "nervous breakdown" requiring hospitalization, until my thinking was so out of whack that I took myself to the emergency room.

It's hard to deal with having muscles this stiff, yoga and meditation are key. I can't sit still well enough to do a lotus position and all that stuff but just walking meditation, returning to the breath, identifying thoughts and where they come from, mindfulness, it's indispensable.

This benzatropine is basically pharmaceutical belladonna. I know people who, if I they knew I had a big bottle of anticholinergics that cause psychosis in overdose would be like "wow man sign me up! Could i get, like, 10 or 12 of them shits <snip> I love stoners, I really do.

Apologies for the typoes I never used to make as many and I used to care about correcting them :)
 
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I literally have to learn to sit still and speak normally without smoking marijuana or spice, that's how serious my cannabinoid addiction was. And there are still people who refuse to see marijuana as anything but "psychologically" addictive. Cocaine is "only" "psychologically" addictive. Any drug that throws your brain out of whack is going to throw your brain out of whack.
 
I smoked large quantities of hash daily for 15 years and in retrospect there was a fair amount of self medicating going on there, it was made more complex as I always smoked it with tobacco, the effect of the THC and the nicotine is distinctly different from THC on its own IMO but for me the 2 were so interlinked I had to give the both up, which I did 11 years ago now.

Dependancy / addiction whatever you want to define it as can come in many forms, vene things you don't use daily can become a problem, my weekly MDMA use was habitual and over a period of 8 years became quite a significant habit along side all the hash and amphetamines.

I would never belittle anyones issues with even what some may see as the most benign substances, physical addiction is relatively rare and almost a seperate issue as even with a physical addiction there will be a psychological element that will have to be overcome in order to stand any chance of overcomming the problem.

I'm sorry to hear you've had an adverse reaction to a psychadelic experiance, time is a great healer with such things and you have done the right thing in seeking medical attention. I've lost a couple fo good friends in the past due to bad LSD experinaces triggering mental illness, but I've also seen many people recover and move on stronger and better than before.

I have to say that psychadelics are the only drugs that I would consider taking in the future but only if I feel I'm mentaly stable and the set setting are right.

Best Wishes
 
Had a few very short (the hallucinations only lasted a day, with the aftereffects only lasting a week or so) psychotic episodes myself. I was mildly schizophrenic when I was smoking cannabis everyday, since I stopped, my psychosis vanished completely. Cannabis triggers psychosis in some people, theres no doubt about it. About a year after quitting cannabis, I no longer missed it at all. The urge to get stoned stopped after a few months though. I doubt you need to avoid "all drugs". Just avoid cannabis and psychedelics. Akithisia is pretty horrible, I've had some severe bouts of that from drug combos involving amphetamines. I didn't know anticholinergics counteracted it. I'd say for now just concentrate on getting off the antipsychotic. Gabapentin would probably help a lot with the akithisia, insomnia and anxiety but it would probably interact with the antipsychotic. I recommend getting your doc to prescribe you a benzo for when you quit taking the antipsychotic entirely because it will counteract the dopamine rebound (which is probably the main culprit behind the rebound psychosis). From what I hear, benzos are pretty good for counteracting psychosis symptoms. They're real addictive though, gabapentin is nowhere near as addictive, maybe it counteracts psychosis too. The psychosis will go away by itself but it might be a good idea to use GABAergics to counteract the rebound psychosis caused by quitting the antipsychotic.
 
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Thanks for the kind words atm23.

The benzatropine is definitely helping more than harming. I feel just a little more loopy and out of it but mostly it's treating my pseudoparkinsons. My arms do the cogwheel thing much less, my body feels a little more natural.

I went from being an awkward virgin, to going to college, to doing SO MANY DRUGS that I went floridly psychotic and had to commit myself to a psychiatric ward for 11 days where I was overmedicated and given "zolperidol" (she meant haloperidol, there's no such drug as "zolperidol"), to feeling like an awkward virgin again. I just need to stop fuckin using, it's that simple. I want to be a social drinker some day but I'm not there yet.

I'm still just pacing around my mother's house eating cookies. But it feels more like "I'm bored, I was using drugs for years like some kind of babby and I need to just ride this out like a bad trip." NOT "I NEED to pace ALL day or I won't be able to sleep at night."

Went out and bought a good book. I might have to read it while pacing but I'm gonna read it. FUCK akathisia, seriously what a horrible side effect for a medication to have. That feeling that you just can't not be moving around with your legs. I don't know how I sleep at night but I am sleeping.
 
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I'd say the antipsychotic is largely responsible for your boredom. Anhedonia is a bitch. Have you tried using GABAergics to counteract the psychosis? If they work, that would probably be a way more enjoyable way to manage the symptoms. I'm just speculating since I have no experience with prolonged psychotic episodes but I know benzos make psychedelic trips much easier to deal with and counteract bad trips. Sounds like you've been dealt a shit hand in life with regards to neurochemistry. I believe we're on the verge of a new paradigm though. Sooner or later, we'll be able to control our neurochemistry with the need for drugs (which are usually riddled with unwanted side effects due to their non selective nature). Take a look at this:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/95694724/...ects-and-Withdrawal-Symptoms-Through-Hypnosis
tip of the iceberg.
 
Mycotheologist said:
I'd say the antipsychotic is largely responsible for your boredom. Anhedonia is a bitch. Have you tried using GABAergics to counteract the psychosis? If they work, that would probably be a way more enjoyable way to manage the symptoms. I'm just speculating since I have no experience with prolonged psychotic episodes but I know benzos make psychedelic trips much easier to deal with and counteract bad trips. Sounds like you've been dealt a shit hand in life with regards to neurochemistry. I believe we're on the verge of a new paradigm though. Sooner or later, we'll be able to control our neurochemistry with the need for drugs (which are usually riddled with unwanted side effects due to their non selective nature). Take a look at this:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/95694724/...ects-and-Withdrawal-Symptoms-Through-Hypnosis
tip of the iceberg.
Click to expand...

I'll ask my psychiatrist about GABAergics, that's what I'm scared of, dopamine rebound, psychosis rebound. When I just up and stopped taking it from 20mg/day to nothing I went from "hell yeah I've got my mojo back!" to "OH MAN I'M SO SCARED MY TOSSING AND TURNING WILL SCARE MY BROTHER BETTER GO FOR A WALK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT HOLY SHIT IS THAT A DOG DID SOMEBODY SET THEIR DOG ON ME BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE A CRACKHEAD HOLY SHIT THEY DID BETTER RUN HOME OH FUCK THE DOG IS CHASING ME CAN'T SLEEP NOW! GUESS I'LL STAY UP ALL NIGHT WRITING TO MY AUNT. MAN THIS IS GREAT WRITING. OH MAN MOM AND DAD WILL BE PISSED I DIDN'T SLEEP. I GUESS I'LL GO INTO THE SHOWER WITH CHUANG-TZU AND READ IT OUT LOUD TO MYSELF. OH YOU'RE AWAKE DAD? AWESOME! READ THIS PASSAGE FROM CHUANG-TZU IT'S ABOUT ME!"

etc. But 5mg/day is so low I feel it'll be easier to get off it. The disturbing thing to me is that the psychosis is manic as shit. It started with just feeling like I had a TON of energy, and the next thing I knew it was like a bad weed high. If I went without a cigarette for an hour, the psychosis would really start hitting me, I wouldn't be able to take a joke because I took everything so seriously, I was paranoid as shit, making plans to run away from home to avoid being committed again (as if my parents want more hospital bills!)

And the other day I had delusions about the government watching my phone. I mean I have reason to be paranoid about dumb shit I've done in the past but I've never done anything that would interest the federal government. That delusion was useful though, I got my very dear friend out of drug dealing, he used to be a partner of sorts as well as a friend, and now he's just a good friend. So given all that, given the fact that I'm still a little deluded and "high" on 5mg/day, I think it's the right dose, because I can see my therapist and actually talk to him rather than responding to any conversation with a very flat "okay..."

The dose is low enough that nicotine has become indispensable (or such is my perception). It makes me feel so much better, it soothes me and evens me out and makes me less irrationally frightened. I'm trying to quit smoking and just dip Copenhagen Snuff (the stuff in the cardboard tins, i.e. the best American moist snuff out there). I also have some dry American snuff I can dip or sniff, and I'm thinking about ordering a bunch of fancy British and Indian nasal snuffs to make up for my shit birthday (I was in a psych ward and I had to fight the crazies off the pizza my dad brought, lemme tell you a psych ward in a bad city like Buffalo is very different from a psych ward in the south where I live now. My friends who have been in psych wards here have no good psych ward stories, I was almost getting in fights.)
 
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Any particular GABAergic that you are considering? I would avoid benzodiazepines because they are a bitch that never sleeps, and not used in psychosis. It sounds like your RLS is well-controlled, but it doesn't sound like your psychosis is. What do you think?
 
Missykins said:
Any particular GABAergic that you are considering? I would avoid benzodiazepines because they are a bitch that never sleeps, and not used in psychosis. It sounds like your RLS is well-controlled, but it doesn't sound like your psychosis is. What do you think?
Click to expand...

Yeah I'm just gonna trust my psychiatrist when it comes to medicating away the side-effects of going off medication. He's a great psychiatrist and his goal is to have me OFF all meds by the end of August. The RLS isn't RLS it's akathisia, it's a little different, he ran some physical tests and essentially my muscles are way too tight and hyperresponsive. It's similar to RLS though, but in your whole body. The psychosis is about as well-controlled as I care to have it be. I'm still kind of paranoid, I still don't take jokes well, but if I go up on the dose I'll just become a robot, that's how it felt to be on 20mg/day.

But yeah thank God I live in a town where everyone fetishizes holistic healing and I have a psychiatrist who is very suspicious of medication. "You're not necessarily depressed you may just have a melancholic temperament." He literally said something along those lines. That is RARE
 
Missykins said:
You do sound like you are having delusions still.
Click to expand...

I definitely am but they're manageable and every day I feel more normal than the day before. I've had to cut down on the Taoist stuff and read more Classics (I was a classics major before this happened). I'm working through Cicero's De Re Publica (got the oxford edition as an award, and I ended up going insane and not being able to walk across the stage).

I'm just curious though, if you wouldn't mind, what parts of my writing are delusional? I definitely try way too hard to put people in boxes to explain their behavior. But if you'd seen me when I was admitted you'd be like "holy shit this kid is doing so much better."

Sleep is essential. I mean I really don't have RLS it's akathisia, he did some simple physical tests and basically my muscles are hyperresponsive and tensed. The benzatropine is making me feel much more natural.

Edit: both akathisia and pseudoparkinson's. When I move my arm it does not drop naturally and does this cog-wheel thing. I also just plain can't stop pacing and moving when I'm awake. I'm just riding it out though as long as I never do drugs again it will get better.

One of the more interesting delusions I had when I was full-blown psychotic was that homeless people were advanced spiritual beings who chose to become insane and homeless as part of some sort of Tantric thing. Like they were breaking through the final veil and would reach Samsara on their deaths. Plato played a big part in my delusions. I thought all literature was about the Beatific Vision or whatever Plato meant by the contemplation of the Form of the Good (i.e. some kind of meditation + the dialectic).

I also was and still am obsessed with the idea that Socrates was a schizophrenic of some kind. The man literally heard a daemon in his head that he listened to. Not that I hear voices. He also used to fall into 24-hour standing meditations.
 
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You don't sound delusional at all to me, I don't know what Missykins is talking about. I thought RLS was a form of akithisia. Of course it'll get better. You don't need to decide to never do drugs again, just avoid psychedelics and cannabis. Also, I'd avoid stimulants since it sounds like you are naturally stimulated. I'd say downers like opioids and GHB will be fine for you, just go easy on them since they're addictive. Its good to have benzos to counteract GHBs dopamine rebound though. I'd say you'd like kava, its an anxiolytic/sedative that is non addictive.
 
I like your Gong Tea Pot avatar mennngggg

Hope it all works out.
 
It's a baby! said:
I definitely am but they're manageable and every day I feel more normal than the day before. I've had to cut down on the Taoist stuff and read more Classics (I was a classics major before this happened). I'm working through Cicero's De Re Publica (got the oxford edition as an award, and I ended up going insane and not being able to walk across the stage).

I'm just curious though, if you wouldn't mind, what parts of my writing are delusional? I definitely try way too hard to put people in boxes to explain their behavior. But if you'd seen me when I was admitted you'd be like "holy shit this kid is doing so much better."
Click to expand...

Some of the experiences you've posted, and you seem a little manic. But I'm not your doctor.
 
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