greeneyedmonster
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Apr 17, 2011
- Messages
- 4
This might be long, so bear with me. I am at a loss at what to do, I feel out of control and know that I am spiraling. I need to write this for my own mental health, and hell, maybe get some good advice while I'm at it.
I started using when I was 12, first smoking a little weed here and there, then drinking, then a little acid or coke. Always with brief periods of sobriety. Did a 30 day stint in rehab when I was 14, in and out of juvie. When I was 17 I got into MDMA and crystal. By the time I was 18 I was a full fledged meth head, which continued on until I was 21 and had my first child. I went CT and never looked back. I finished college, got married and divorced, had another child, began a relationship with the love of my life. June of last year, I had major surgery. I've had surgery before, but never had a problem with my aftercare pain pills, although I've always had an affinity for the odd week of vicodin or norco given for a headache or what have you. This time was different. I was given percocet for the first time and felt good, full of energy, like the best mother on the planet. 5 mg a few times a day turned into 20 mg at a time. After three weeks, although I was still having some residual pain from the surgery, I was cut off CT and went through withdrawals. I told myself I would never touch it again, end of story. The summer went by with me staying sober other than drinking on the weekends.
September rolled around and I started having strange symptoms, swollen fingers, stiff neck, odd rashes, fevers. The doctor gave me vicodin and said it was probably arthritis. The pain increased to the point where the vicodin didn't touch it. I was given percocets and more testing. Turns out I have SLE, or lupus. I had to wait nearly four months to get into a rheumatologist, and was moved to pain management. They switched me from percocets to ms contin 15 mg twice daily. I was cutting my usage down, doing good. I should have stopped there. Instead I broke my wrist in a snowboarding accident and was given percocet for the acute pain. From there my PM doctor switched me to oxycontin 15 mg twice daily, with 10 mg oxycodone as needed every 4 hours. I started going through my scrips too fast, because my tolerance had risen and my prescribed amount no longer worked with the pain. First it was a day or two early. Then a few days. This time it was 2 weeks early. I'm off the oxycontin now, as my SLE symptoms are starting to be controlled by other medications. My PM doctor just recently cut me down from 15 mg three times daily to 10 mg three times daily; I'm taking 30 mg at a time, three, four, five times a day. My PM doc has no idea the levels I'm really taking, and has been accomidating when I've run out early before, always with an excuse. I've been thinking for a while that I need to taper, but it always turns into, "oh, in a few days I'll start" and then next thing I know my scrip is gone.
I know I have an addictive personality. And I looked myself in the mirror today and saw what this has done to my life. I know, what I am using is a small amount compared to some. But Jesus Christ. I am 30 years old, a working professional, a mother of two. And, even though I'm using an amount that some may think laughably small, I'm a fucking junkie.
If I don't quit, I'm going to lose my SO, my kids, my job. And if I do, I lose that "good feeling" and have to deal with bone crushing pain. I miss who I was before, after beating addiction once-- I've been a model, I surfed, I snowboarded. Lots of friends, always busy. I used to love cooking and playing music and filming my SO skating. Now, I'm moody with my SO, short with my kids. I don't want to leave the house, I'd rather stay home and do the million little quirky things that pills make me want to do. My friends slowly faded away after one too many times of me declining invitations. I'm lonely and yet antisocial. I've grown to hate my job and have just become depressed. My SO spends as much of his time away from home-- and me-- as possible, rather than our long hikes and trips of the past. He hates what I've become, so dependent on pills. He is against phamaceuticals anyway, and my ongoing battle is becoming too much for him.
Part of this all is due to my pain, to the condition that has taken so much from me. (I have lost part of the use of my hands, there are days I can't get out of bed, my skin blisters and bleeds.) But I know that the majority is due to my use of oxycodone. I thought I was strong-- I mean, fuck, I quit meth CT. But obviously I'm not strong enough. I just want my life back. I want my relationship back. I want me back. But the constant lure of the pills, knowing that just a couple pills will make me feel better, make me feel normal, give me energy and excitement, is too much. I'm so torn. I don't know who I will be after I'm off-- what are my pain levels really like, without the pills? I want to continue living normally, but will that be possible without some sort of PM? I'm just so lonely and sad today, so torn. I don't know what I want to do or even what I can do.
I started using when I was 12, first smoking a little weed here and there, then drinking, then a little acid or coke. Always with brief periods of sobriety. Did a 30 day stint in rehab when I was 14, in and out of juvie. When I was 17 I got into MDMA and crystal. By the time I was 18 I was a full fledged meth head, which continued on until I was 21 and had my first child. I went CT and never looked back. I finished college, got married and divorced, had another child, began a relationship with the love of my life. June of last year, I had major surgery. I've had surgery before, but never had a problem with my aftercare pain pills, although I've always had an affinity for the odd week of vicodin or norco given for a headache or what have you. This time was different. I was given percocet for the first time and felt good, full of energy, like the best mother on the planet. 5 mg a few times a day turned into 20 mg at a time. After three weeks, although I was still having some residual pain from the surgery, I was cut off CT and went through withdrawals. I told myself I would never touch it again, end of story. The summer went by with me staying sober other than drinking on the weekends.
September rolled around and I started having strange symptoms, swollen fingers, stiff neck, odd rashes, fevers. The doctor gave me vicodin and said it was probably arthritis. The pain increased to the point where the vicodin didn't touch it. I was given percocets and more testing. Turns out I have SLE, or lupus. I had to wait nearly four months to get into a rheumatologist, and was moved to pain management. They switched me from percocets to ms contin 15 mg twice daily. I was cutting my usage down, doing good. I should have stopped there. Instead I broke my wrist in a snowboarding accident and was given percocet for the acute pain. From there my PM doctor switched me to oxycontin 15 mg twice daily, with 10 mg oxycodone as needed every 4 hours. I started going through my scrips too fast, because my tolerance had risen and my prescribed amount no longer worked with the pain. First it was a day or two early. Then a few days. This time it was 2 weeks early. I'm off the oxycontin now, as my SLE symptoms are starting to be controlled by other medications. My PM doctor just recently cut me down from 15 mg three times daily to 10 mg three times daily; I'm taking 30 mg at a time, three, four, five times a day. My PM doc has no idea the levels I'm really taking, and has been accomidating when I've run out early before, always with an excuse. I've been thinking for a while that I need to taper, but it always turns into, "oh, in a few days I'll start" and then next thing I know my scrip is gone.
I know I have an addictive personality. And I looked myself in the mirror today and saw what this has done to my life. I know, what I am using is a small amount compared to some. But Jesus Christ. I am 30 years old, a working professional, a mother of two. And, even though I'm using an amount that some may think laughably small, I'm a fucking junkie.
If I don't quit, I'm going to lose my SO, my kids, my job. And if I do, I lose that "good feeling" and have to deal with bone crushing pain. I miss who I was before, after beating addiction once-- I've been a model, I surfed, I snowboarded. Lots of friends, always busy. I used to love cooking and playing music and filming my SO skating. Now, I'm moody with my SO, short with my kids. I don't want to leave the house, I'd rather stay home and do the million little quirky things that pills make me want to do. My friends slowly faded away after one too many times of me declining invitations. I'm lonely and yet antisocial. I've grown to hate my job and have just become depressed. My SO spends as much of his time away from home-- and me-- as possible, rather than our long hikes and trips of the past. He hates what I've become, so dependent on pills. He is against phamaceuticals anyway, and my ongoing battle is becoming too much for him.
Part of this all is due to my pain, to the condition that has taken so much from me. (I have lost part of the use of my hands, there are days I can't get out of bed, my skin blisters and bleeds.) But I know that the majority is due to my use of oxycodone. I thought I was strong-- I mean, fuck, I quit meth CT. But obviously I'm not strong enough. I just want my life back. I want my relationship back. I want me back. But the constant lure of the pills, knowing that just a couple pills will make me feel better, make me feel normal, give me energy and excitement, is too much. I'm so torn. I don't know who I will be after I'm off-- what are my pain levels really like, without the pills? I want to continue living normally, but will that be possible without some sort of PM? I'm just so lonely and sad today, so torn. I don't know what I want to do or even what I can do.
