where do I draw the line with addiction

[xxsicknessxx]

I am 7months sober. I take suboxon but I still consider my self sober and clean. I gave up everything. A lot of things had to come together at the right time to get me here... and im lucky to be alive. Im lucky to be sane. I can tell you that for along time not only did I think I would never get here but my family though I was lost too.
I was dead. I was insane, I was sick, I was weak, I had not the strength to even go into the store to get booze or to go out and get drugs I had to get someone to bring it to me. I owed money and I had legal troubles. But its all in the past.

After a very very hard recovery. A long recovery. I did not bounce back I crawled back. Yea, my health is coming back, my life is coming back, my family gave me another chance, my work gave me another chance... I don't know why. My god the things I did, and the places I have been. The mental state. I mean.... there are a lot of memories I have seem impossible, But it all happened and I have to remember it all to stay sober.

However. Where do I draw the line. I find my self in a rut. Some of which is my own problem. I know that once I work full time, once I go back to school, once I get a car that once I start living again that my life will be much more full. But when I think of working full time or going to school or even having a girlfriend I wonder. Will I have a drink at dinner? Will I have a drink after a long week of work. Will I smoke a bowl when im in a bad mood and tired or worn out or with some friends. Will I turn down a bowl. I have so far yes... but ... I think about it a lot. When I am sitting at tv and see my friend high and so carefree I start to want it to. I miss it.

I didn't have problems with every drug. I have taken lots of drugs in my life, lots of different drugs. Some I did find addicting but most of the time there was a reason for getting addicted. Most of it simply ignorance. I know so much more then I did back then. In fact I remember at one point when I was using lots of different drugs and had a great life. Everything was going great. I remember friends and family telling me I got a good thing going, Im doing well to not mess it up. However I got into drugs I had no idea of, drugs I didn't know anymore about.

So when I go over drugs... only some gave me problems, only some I got addicted to and only a very select few I had a problem quitting. So my question.

I worry a lot about the future. I want something I can take once in awhile to escape, or for extra strength or energy. Or just to relax or to enjoy something a bit more or to break the ice.

Has anyone quit drugs gotten clean then reintroduced drugs into there life? I mean I used to think if a doctor gave it to me it was ok but thats how I got addicted in the first place. So thats not true. So just because I talk a doctor into giving me something doesn't mean I won't get addicted or it will be ok. That being said there is no reason why I can't take something like a rc or street drug once in awhile and not get addicted. Do you understand?

Would it be so bad if once a month I took shrooms, or if I get prescribed xanex and took it once a week? If I really know I can use self control and not abuse a substance is it wrong to use again?

I promised my parents I would wait a year before I ever thought of doing drugs again. I never ever promised to quit forever. I have said sense I won't drink again and that im a addict and that I won't do drugs. But the fact is when I got sober I promised them and my self only to wait a year to let my brain and body repair before I tried again. I think I will wait two years but again the fact is I have changed EVERYTHING in my life and my self. I feel fixed. I have self control over everything. Basically im where I was before my downfall. I know I can take just one drink if I say im going to. I know I can smoke only two cigs or drink one energy drink or save money or take less pills or whatever. I know I have gained self control.

So why is it I typed this? Im not sure. I guess I feel that if I don't allow my self something, some reward for my hard work at least once in awhile that I will simply break and return to my abyss. I really believe this. I have to have something. Even if its once a month.. I want just one day where I can escape. One day a month.

For anyone that has tripped out before... I mean... its something you can't recreate in real life. That is no real natural high. We all know that. I can feel pretty dam good not using drugs I admit but I can't reach that real .. happy feeling or unreal experience I want. Do you understand? Has anyone else reintroduced drugs after not using for a year or so and done it? Or am I simply tricking my self back into addiction I really want your advise here and thoughts please.

 

[effie]

I understand how you feel, xxsicknessxx - the need to have just one day off, and to get that feeling again. I would think carefully about this though - the risk of it tipping you back into addiction is there, despite your self-control, and even if it isn't a drug you were addicted to - it is still relying on a substance, even if it is relying on it for one day's treat/escape a month and that could eat away at your self control and cause you to slip back, which would be terrible.. Even if the risk seems low, the consequences are so severe and you have come so far - is it worth it, do you think?

Is there anything else you could do to escape and let go? High-energy sport, a day watching your favourite films back to back, visiting somewhere new, a meditation retreat, anything that would let you feel like you had a reward and an escape, without involving drugs?

I would especially avoid being prescribed a benzo like Xanax - it would be too easy to slip up there and become dependent, and I feel it would be a drug you ended up using to escape your problems..

 

[Leaping Gnome]

Or am I simply tricking my self back into addiction I really want your advise here and thoughts please.

xxsicknessxx,

In one simple answer, and you've already seen it in the mirror, YES!!! It's in everything you just wrote. Why did you write this, you asked...maybe for someone to say something that could be turned around into a yes. Then you can justify it was their fault. Well, something kinda along those lines. Can you drink/drug just one more time and stop...sure you can! Will you is the BIG question? Will you want to? Check a crystal ball, throw some bones, read some leaves, ask the question here, there and everywhere...somewhere you will find answer to make it ok to try it your way once again. You can always clean up again...OR CAN YOU??? Think back, it wasn't that hard, was it!!! Did it work then? You should patent and market that shit you came up with that will make it work THIS TIME AROUND! Let your people know you have the answer this time around and they won't have to be running to the store/dealer to get your drink/drug.

Man, read what you wrote. Remember what you went through to get where you are now. Do you want to take a chance on living through that again? Maybe this time you will go even farther down and not get out? You will feel like you failed yourself and the people around you. If you slide by this time the “next times” will get easier sliding on through until the oil has dried up and you’re froze up stuck solid.

I went through the drinking crap playing the games over and over! I was always able to have just my set limit when I went back to drinking each time. Shoot, I could even be good for over a year. Then the “FUCK IT” always creeps in and I was off and running all over again. About 23 years ago I stopped throwing them bones looking for the right answer that would make it work this time.

BTW, I’m 58 and I knew way back when I was 17-18 I had a problem. I had someone I knew take me to an AA meeting. Too bad I knew more than they did beck then!!! And no, I don’t go to meetings, but I’d probably be better off if I did.

Give some long hard thought what you’re setting yourself up for!!!

Leaping Gnome

 

[wvboarder]

When you feel like a shadow of who you used to be or that ur stuck w-no option....also everything above good luck

 

[villian]

Our minds are quite good at justifying bad ideas.

 

[herbavore]

xxsicknessxx, I think you know that you are letting addiction speak. You yourself have talked about this in many of your threads. Don't let yourself lose what you have worked so hard for. The longer you go, the more your life will continue to expand beyond this thinking. I'm so glad you put your thoughts out there like this! Basically, you put it out there to say,"Am I fooling myself?" and the resounding response you are getting is YES.

Stay strong and stay focused