Where are you at in your recovery?

[helpingout]

For me, I haven’t reached day one yet. Had a really shocking near death experience taking Ativan and loperamide the other day. Didn’t wake up for 36 hours. Missed a whole day of my life. Still trying to get clean. Cut the Imodium down. Today I took 14 mg to start and no ppi so it won’t get to my brain. Hopefully it just keeps me level. I’m taking gabapentin. This is all after getting completely clean with nine days. Then my girlfriend of seven years sent me a breakup text and has refused any communication by text or by phone. I’ve been ghosted by my partner of seven years and it’s really fuckef me up. Don’t think I would have overdosed had I not been at such a low. It’s funny. She said she broke up with me because all of the pain and hurt I’ve been through, at its core, was caused by her, and she didn’t want to hurt me anymore. So it just all washed over me. All the pain of starting heroin because she broke up with me. To the present day as I continue to try to get clean suffering relapse after relapse after relapse. I really want to be done but I refuse to do mat therapy. Whatever.

Where I’m at in my recovery is mostly the pondering stage I guess. Pretty consistent relapser but I haven’t gone back to heroin and I haven’t started fent. It’s awful being addicted to this feeling. Obsessed with it even. Risking everything for it. Fucking dying the other day and refusing to see a doctor because I’m in the states and it’s just shame and denial of humane care should I become truly injured or disabled.

I’m out of work but starting a temporary position soon. I want to taper down to 1 mg before I start that position and just use one mg until it’s over then drop to a quarter and then completely kick.

Main obstacles are that whenever I feel like I’m being mistreated by anyone it validates my hatred of humanity and my disdain for living and it drives me to use. At least drugs are kind. But the universe seems to be some kind of teacher, every choice having a consequence, and I haven’t even begun to live yet. Just learning the same lesson over and over again. Lost my one and only. My one true love. On account of loving opiates. Seems like I hurt the woman I love because on some level my heroin addiction is a dark mistress and my love for her is an insult to the people who love me.

Here in the states people think you’re a bad person if you use drugs. They think using drugs means you don’t love them. They think of you like a criminal. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. But I’m trying to get clean.

Today I’m going to play Skyrim. Might go to a narcotics anonymous meeting at eight. Going to try to stay clean on this day and led it lead me to the next day. I’m sad. I cry when I wake up in the morning. I hate myself for having driven away the woman I love because I convinced her that what I really love is heroin by my actions.

Can’t take back the psdt. Can’t unyell my shouts. Can’t undo my rage. Can’t make someone you love not fear the evil in you. I can’t change that I’m a bad person. I can’t change that when I’m sober I’m a bad person. But I can at least get sober because the drugs only make me worse.

Here’s to hating yourself and trying to get clean so that you at least have some control over whom you are.i hate myself. I hate living. I hate being a human being. But I’m going to keep trying. I at least on some selfish level doing it because I’ve learned that the dhit bag of life feels better than the dhit bag of being addicted to heroin.

-your local dirtbag


Please feel free to check in with where your st in your recovery. I’d like to hope it gets better and hearing that it does might help me. I’m really running through my woes and you know how that shit goes

 

[pnillyg]

For me, I haven’t reached day one yet. Had a really shocking near death experience taking Ativan and loperamide the other day. Didn’t wake up for 36 hours. Missed a whole day of my life. Still trying to get clean. Cut the Imodium down. Today I took 14 mg to start and no ppi so it won’t get to my brain. Hopefully it just keeps me level. I’m taking gabapentin. This is all after getting completely clean with nine days. Then my girlfriend of seven years sent me a breakup text and has refused any communication by text or by phone. I’ve been ghosted by my partner of seven years and it’s really fuckef me up. Don’t think I would have overdosed had I not been at such a low. It’s funny. She said she broke up with me because all of the pain and hurt I’ve been through, at its core, was caused by her, and she didn’t want to hurt me anymore. So it just all washed over me. All the pain of starting heroin because she broke up with me. To the present day as I continue to try to get clean suffering relapse after relapse after relapse. I really want to be done but I refuse to do mat therapy. Whatever.

Where I’m at in my recovery is mostly the pondering stage I guess. Pretty consistent relapser but I haven’t gone back to heroin and I haven’t started fent. It’s awful being addicted to this feeling. Obsessed with it even. Risking everything for it. Fucking dying the other day and refusing to see a doctor because I’m in the states and it’s just shame and denial of humane care should I become truly injured or disabled.

I’m out of work but starting a temporary position soon. I want to taper down to 1 mg before I start that position and just use one mg until it’s over then drop to a quarter and then completely kick.

Main obstacles are that whenever I feel like I’m being mistreated by anyone it validates my hatred of humanity and my disdain for living and it drives me to use. At least drugs are kind. But the universe seems to be some kind of teacher, every choice having a consequence, and I haven’t even begun to live yet. Just learning the same lesson over and over again. Lost my one and only. My one true love. On account of loving opiates. Seems like I hurt the woman I love because on some level my heroin addiction is a dark mistress and my love for her is an insult to the people who love me.

Here in the states people think you’re a bad person if you use drugs. They think using drugs means you don’t love them. They think of you like a criminal. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. But I’m trying to get clean.

Today I’m going to play Skyrim. Might go to a narcotics anonymous meeting at eight. Going to try to stay clean on this day and led it lead me to the next day. I’m sad. I cry when I wake up in the morning. I hate myself for having driven away the woman I love because I convinced her that what I really love is heroin by my actions.

Can’t take back the psdt. Can’t unyell my shouts. Can’t undo my rage. Can’t make someone you love not fear the evil in you. I can’t change that I’m a bad person. I can’t change that when I’m sober I’m a bad person. But I can at least get sober because the drugs only make me worse.

Here’s to hating yourself and trying to get clean so that you at least have some control over whom you are.i hate myself. I hate living. I hate being a human being. But I’m going to keep trying. I at least on some selfish level doing it because I’ve learned that the dhit bag of life feels better than the dhit bag of being addicted to heroin.

-your local dirtbag


Please feel free to check in with where your st in your recovery. I’d like to hope it gets better and hearing that it does might help me. I’m really running through my woes and you know how that shit goes

That hit me to my core so just know you’re not alone

I am six days clean, no opiates, I am six days clean, no opiates today. I had to use a couple of Valium and some low provide to try to mitigate the withdraws because funny enough. I heard that it works and it seems like you’ve had a few experiences with it as well. Anyways, this has been the best day so far last night was hell and the last two days were pretty fking brutal. We’re getting through. I don’t want to go with MAT just like my Homie above. I’ve went that way twice. The first time they got me up to 16 mg of buprenorphine in a month from 30 mg of oxycodone habit. Anyways, we’re getting through. But Frick i’m also lucky enough to say that I have the best woman I’ve ever had around me in my life right now. that’s not to rub anything in your face because at times it feels as if it may be easier to get through this alone because watching her see me lay on the ground and excruciating pain. I can tell it’s hurting her. Maybe even more than me in my active addiction… anyways now I’m just ranting peace, and love y’all

 

[helpingout]

That hit me to my core so just know you’re not alone

I am six days clean, no opiates, I am six days clean, no opiates today. I had to use a couple of Valium and some low provide to try to mitigate the withdraws because funny enough. I heard that it works and it seems like you’ve had a few experiences with it as well. Anyways, this has been the best day so far last night was hell and the last two days were pretty fking brutal. We’re getting through. I don’t want to go with MAT just like my Homie above. I’ve went that way twice. The first time they got me up to 16 mg of buprenorphine in a month from 30 mg of oxycodone habit. Anyways, we’re getting through. But Frick i’m also lucky enough to say that I have the best woman I’ve ever had around me in my life right now. that’s not to rub anything in your face because at times it feels as if it may be easier to get through this alone because watching her see me lay on the ground and excruciating pain. I can tell it’s hurting her. Maybe even more than me in my active addiction… anyways now I’m just ranting peace, and love y’all

Bro six days is an amazing achievement. I award you a Opiate Olympian Medal because I’m sure you’ve at least earned a few by now. I’m happy you and your lady are sticking together. You’re going to feel better soon. Me too. I really believe we can recover from this. I think the doctors are just treating us incorrectly because of the controlled substances act and the lack of prescription opioids for people enduring opioid use disorder. I digress. But the point I want to make is just that I’m glad you’re clean. It’s good to be in good company. By the way. I got to day two today. I’m pretty stoked. I’m at 48 hours plus at the moment. In truly grateful but I still struggle worth the call to use. It’s a tough fucking problem. Almost wish I had never done it but I also kind of love it. I wish it was more safe and acceptable. This prohibition economy presents the most dangerous drugs to illicit users and doctors don’t give a dhit. I wonder how different things would be if you could book a joy bang with a physician or something. Idk. Digressing again. I’m happy for your success.

 

[Asparagus_Prince]

For me, I haven’t reached day one yet. Had a really shocking near death experience taking Ativan and loperamide the other day.

Wow, that sucks. Your post was sobering and from about a week ago, I see. I hope you're doing a little better now. You're a good writer and I think that's one of the reasons it was impactful. You kinda painted a descriptive picture.

There was one particular part of your original post that jumped out as me as impressively insightful. Any guess what it was?

 

[helpingout]

@Asparagus_Prince
Maybe this part?
« But the universe seems to be some kind of teacher, every choice having a consequence, and I haven’t even begun to live yet. Just learning the same lesson over and over again. Lost my one and only. My one true love. On account of loving opiates. »

It’s hard to be self aware. I don’t really understand the way that I effect others. That being said I’d love to hear how you were effected by the Insight you noticed.

 

[Robi]

Recovered,oxy and fent,years now

 

[pnillyg]

Bro six days is an amazing achievement. I award you an Opiate Olympian Medal because I’m sure you’ve at least earned a few by now. I’m happy you and your lady are sticking together. You’re going to feel better soon. Me too. I really believe we can recover from this. I think the doctors are just treating us incorrectly because of the controlled substances act and the lack of prescription opioids for people enduring opioid use disorder. I digress. But the point I want to make is just that I’m glad you’re clean. It’s good to be in good company. By the way. I got to day two today. I’m pretty stoked. I’m at 48 hours plus at the moment. In truly grateful but I still struggle worth the call to use. It’s a tough fucking problem. Almost wish I had never done it but I also kind of love it. I wish it was more safe and acceptable. This prohibition economy presents the most dangerous drugs to illicit users and doctors don’t give a dhit. I wonder how different things would be if you could book a joy bang with a physician or something. Idk. Digressing again. I’m happy for your success.

Ditto if that makes sense. I’m proud of you too, man. Whether it’s one hour or one year, it ain’t easy so congrats to all of us that at least try. My doctor keeps telling me to just get back on the subs but they’re just ain’t no way because I’ve done every Detox imaginable and that was by far the worst one and they also get you with the benzos because Suboxone comes with a lot of anxiety in my experience. Keep me posted on and I’ll keep you posted as well. Feeling so much better today and I think I’ll be able to take my girl on a date tomorrow.!! LFG!!!

 

[helpingout]

Ditto if that makes sense. I’m proud of you too, man. Whether it’s one hour or one year, it ain’t easy so congrats to all of us that at least try. My doctor keeps telling me to just get back on the subs but they’re just ain’t no way because I’ve done every Detox imaginable and that was by far the worst one and they also get you with the benzos because Suboxone comes with a lot of anxiety in my experience. Keep me posted on and I’ll keep you posted as well. Feeling so much better today and I think I’ll be able to take my girl on a date tomorrow.!! LFG!!!

Fuck yeah! Where are y’all gonna go? I bet that’s going to feel so fucking good.

By the way, my friend Rox told me that I should do mat therapy. But I’m fucking revolted. She worries because I still want to do opiates. Which I worry about too. But I don’t want to “relapse” on buprenorphine and I don’t want to get stuck on methadone and I don’t want to take it for the rest of my life. No no fucking way. I’d rather live and die by the sword. The sword being my relationship to opioids. I’m either going to get better or I won’t do anything. Maybe if I’m just dying to relapse I might fucking do something like that but I’ve been stringing together actual cleantime for a few months now. I know I can do this. She’s just worried because I died the other week. Bless her heart she’s so good to me.

 

[helpingout]

I just want a normal life. I don’t want to feel that good anymore and I’m just adjusting to it. It still occurs to me sometimes. Yeah a fucking issue would be spot on eh helping out? And it’s like yes brain agreed but let’s just try to stay living right? We keep dying when we feel that good.

 

[helpingout]

Recovered,oxy and fent,years now

Fuck yeah. I’d love to hear your story and your battle to get your life back? Would you be willing to share?

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

The so-desperate-for-rest-and-opioids-I'm-injecting-literal-shit-into-my-leg-to-get-a-necrotizing-soft-tissue-infection-for-a-long-hospital-stay-with-painful-surgeries-and-IV-morphine/fentanyl-for-weeks-or-months-because-I-care-about-literally-nothing-but-being-drugged-TF-and-avoiding-withdrawal-and-the-NHS-is-SO-FUCKING-STINGY-with-opioids-unless-you-are-a-hospital-inpatient stage

 

[helpingout]

The so-desperate-for-rest-and-opioids-I'm-injecting-literal-shit-into-my-leg-to-get-a-necrotizing-soft-tissue-infection-for-a-long-hospital-stay-with-painful-surgeries-and-IV-morphine/fentanyl-for-weeks-or-months-because-I-care-about-literally-nothing-but-being-drugged-TF-and-avoiding-withdrawal-and-the-NHS-is-SO-FUCKING-STINGY-with-opioids-unless-you-are-a-hospital-inpatient stage

Holy shit, but I do get it. There’s no respect for people who just want to use. I get you. I see you. I’m sorry for your struggle. If it were up to me you’d have all the opium you ever wanted.

 

[Asparagus_Prince]

@Asparagus_Prince
Maybe this part?
« But the universe seems to be some kind of teacher, every choice having a consequence, and I haven’t even begun to live yet. Just learning the same lesson over and over again. Lost my one and only. My one true love. On account of loving opiates. »

No, but I really liked that part too. Talking about the universe being some kind of teacher reminded me of some of the shit I've been rambling about in the religion thread.

But I was referring to this:

"Main obstacles are that whenever I feel like I’m being mistreated by anyone it validates my hatred of humanity and my disdain for living and it drives me to use".

I think that's incredibly insightful. And by insightful I mean taking a good deep look at yourself honestly.

People always say that addicts need to admit their drug use is a problem. And that's fine. But I think we should also examine the problems that lead to the (drug) problems.

I'd suggest you continue to be mindful of your hatred of humanity. You don't have to do anything about it or figure it out right now. But just think about it. The why's, what if's... everything. I'm sure there might even be an additional problem that's led to the problem that's led to drug abuse. A lot of time things are more complicated than what appears on the surface. Even to those of us that are going through it.

Not so much right now, but earlier this year I was going through something that I might kinda/sorta relate with you on. About my frustration with humanity pulling me down.

 

[kiely]

The so-desperate-for-rest-and-opioids-I'm-injecting-literal-shit-into-my-leg-to-get-a-necrotizing-soft-tissue-infection-for-a-long-hospital-stay-with-painful-surgeries-and-IV-morphine/fentanyl-for-weeks-or-months-because-I-care-about-literally-nothing-but-being-drugged-TF-and-avoiding-withdrawal-and-the-NHS-is-SO-FUCKING-STINGY-with-opioids-unless-you-are-a-hospital-inpatient stage

^^^^ Just keep cutting back on everything. And drink a lot of water. Flush your body and detox. Don't hurt yourself like that. Come on. You are too
nice for that. Way top nice. Try to drink water or do Yoga maybe. Meditate to pass the time.

I feel hurt that you have to hurt this bad. You can change. You can.

I am sure others may be starting to worry. You seem like you are really suffering right now. We have to find a way for you to stop hurting.

But it sounds like a bad time. And you can get better. Do it for the others that most likely really do care so very much.

I have to go but do take care.

 

[pnillyg]

I just want a normal life. I don’t want to feel that good anymore and I’m just adjusting to it. It still occurs to me sometimes. Yeah a fucking issue would be spot on eh helping out? And it’s like yes brain agreed but let’s just try to stay living right? We keep dying when we feel that good.

I’m telling you man look into Iboga or Ibogaine specifically for either opiate addiction so like the mental part of it or opiate detox works for both… there’s a dope video Jordyn Belfort talking about how it worked for him and when I saw that I was in because that was able to just about every drug known to man on a daily basis and it worked for him

 

[pnillyg]

Fuck yeah! Where are y’all gonna go? I bet that’s going to feel so fucking good.

By the way, my friend Rox told me that I should do mat therapy. But I’m fucking revolted. She worries because I still want to do opiates. Which I worry about too. But I don’t want to “relapse” on buprenorphine and I don’t want to get stuck on methadone and I don’t want to take it for the rest of my life. No no fucking way. I’d rather live and die by the sword. The sword being my relationship to opioids. I’m either going to get better or I won’t do anything. Maybe if I’m just dying to relapse I might fucking do something like that but I’ve been stringing together actual cleantime for a few months now. I know I can do this. She’s just worried because I died the other week. Bless her heart she’s so good to me.

Honestly, up to her so we shall see! Thanks for hyping me up dude really means a lot, and I need it right now! I totally feel you with the MAT therapy. I have been on and off buprenorphine too many times and I can tell you it is hell getting off

 

[helpingout]

Yeah, to everyone responding to this thread. I’m really grateful. It’s so nice to check in. To be able to talk about where I’m at. Right now I’m fed thanks to a blue lighter, I’m socialized thanks to blue light, and I’m on my way to day three. @Asparagus_Prince thabk you, that is a deep insight and I stand to gain so much from examining that. I want to do a solid dose of mushrooms and really confront my addiction head on.
@kiely youre a sweet heart and you’re right. My suffering is important and I need to do everything I can to get past it. My life has a meaning. I have a purpose. Something I want to do.
@pnillyg im happy to hype you up. A day with a woman who cares for you. A fucking date. Man, I don’t want to think about her, but back a little bit and I’d be so ecstatic. I like crave her. Maybe that’s helping out everything in perspective. She was never bad for me. She was just herself. I think if her often. Whatever we had though, it hurt her. I hope you can take something from that. I’m a hopeless romantic though. I really do hope tomorrow goes wonderfully. I hope she’s the future for you. And I hope tomorrow is a delightful present.

Much love to you all. You don’t know how wonderful you are from my perspectives, so know it. You’re each so wonderful. Including those I didn’t shout out directly.

 

[helpingout]

PS. Ibogaine scares the fuck out of me. But it probably would be incredibly helpful. I’m just in the middle of writing an epic book. Idk

 

[emkee_reinvented]

"Main obstacles are that whenever I feel like I’m being mistreated by anyone it validates my hatred of humanity and my disdain for living and it drives me to use".

I think that's incredibly insightful. And by insightful I mean taking a good deep look at yourself honestly.

People always say that addicts need to admit their drug use is a problem. And that's fine. But I think we should also examine the problems that lead to the (drug) problems.

Indeed, and reflective too, be it on a empty stomach [ sunday morning ]
Got myself a cowshit excuse to intoxicate myself and use. Whatever avaiable.

And knowing that there is a underlying cause that led to substance abuse.
All my aproaches till now where way less then effective. It always remained,
on the background. Rehab/detox and the NA don t even acknowledge this fact.

So tackling that problem seems harder then remaining relatively sober.
From substances, so functional. As all angles medical/ DIY/ ... interventions.
Either weren t available/ failed, and DIY never got me where i wanted,
so its not over stiil.

Not only one on Earth at least, so guys/ girls keep up.

 

[Robi]

Fuck yeah. I’d love to hear your story and your battle to get your life back? Would you be willing to share?

At one time yes ,I would have shared but I don't want to anymore in length,such a shameful few years,lots of lying,I've been forgiven by my spouse and on a journey of attempting to forgive self.TY for the opportunity