user name1
Bluelighter
hello to all my desperate, struggling friends and all others too!
this place is my sanctuary - the place i go to pour the poison (figuratively) of self pity, self hatred and the ever growing decay of my "life".
I, as usual come here when i cant take it anymore and i guess., in hindsight ofc that BL may have saved my life a few times. honestly I am not sure if im grateful or not...
my life is full with pain = physically and mentally alike. i dont remember when i started with hard drugs but i know it has been more then a decade and a half for sure (i'll be 40 in a month).
every time i write here i feel like i am just repeating again and again the same shit.. but no, every time i write here i feel my words are worse and my well being has crumbled more. have not even one friend left and the the depression is worse, my drug use is always more and more heavy and nothing seems to help.
this is my cry for help but its just a screen i look into and it is so so sad.
all alone in the world, cant seem to have the energy to move or to change anything.
i feel like i am standing in a quicksand or a muddy swamp waiting for death day after miserable day, for years and years..
in the last couple of years i understood that i cant off myself and before that the thought of suicide was a comfort, a way out that for some reason gave me a feeling of control over my life but that train has left the station.. i dont believe that another one is ever coming and i am stuck in a ghost train station, all alone. all alone in the world.
i found a very sad but beautiful mr. magoo song. i feel just like him. here's a link -
lyrics:
When you're alone, alone in the world
When you're alone in the world
Blown-away leaves get blown in the world
Swirled-away leaves get swirled.
Listening to your heals when you walk, making a lonely clack
You don’t know how it feels when you talk, and nobody’s voice talks back
A hand for each hand was planned for the world
Why don’t my fingers reach
Millions of grains of sand in the world
Why such a lonely beach?
Where is a voice to answer mine back?
Where are two shoes that click to my clack?
I'm all alone in the WORLD!!!
this place is my sanctuary - the place i go to pour the poison (figuratively) of self pity, self hatred and the ever growing decay of my "life".
I, as usual come here when i cant take it anymore and i guess., in hindsight ofc that BL may have saved my life a few times. honestly I am not sure if im grateful or not...
my life is full with pain = physically and mentally alike. i dont remember when i started with hard drugs but i know it has been more then a decade and a half for sure (i'll be 40 in a month).
every time i write here i feel like i am just repeating again and again the same shit.. but no, every time i write here i feel my words are worse and my well being has crumbled more. have not even one friend left and the the depression is worse, my drug use is always more and more heavy and nothing seems to help.
this is my cry for help but its just a screen i look into and it is so so sad.
all alone in the world, cant seem to have the energy to move or to change anything.
i feel like i am standing in a quicksand or a muddy swamp waiting for death day after miserable day, for years and years..
in the last couple of years i understood that i cant off myself and before that the thought of suicide was a comfort, a way out that for some reason gave me a feeling of control over my life but that train has left the station.. i dont believe that another one is ever coming and i am stuck in a ghost train station, all alone. all alone in the world.
i found a very sad but beautiful mr. magoo song. i feel just like him. here's a link -
lyrics:
When you're alone, alone in the world
When you're alone in the world
Blown-away leaves get blown in the world
Swirled-away leaves get swirled.
Listening to your heals when you walk, making a lonely clack
You don’t know how it feels when you talk, and nobody’s voice talks back
A hand for each hand was planned for the world
Why don’t my fingers reach
Millions of grains of sand in the world
Why such a lonely beach?
Where is a voice to answer mine back?
Where are two shoes that click to my clack?
I'm all alone in the WORLD!!!
