Just got back from a long night of work and then after hours partying and tons of fucking meth/weed/alcohol/cocaine.... and I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I am a completely different person.
My life has become so strange. Keeping totally bizarre hours, hanging out with weird people, stripping almost every night and if not partying with the managers/DJs/owner of my club...
This job has overtaken my life. It's an addiction, it's like a drug; the nights where I make tons of money, am popular with all the guys, get rained on onstage-- are fun and exciting and make me feel so good about myself. I love getting ready for work, picking out outfits, practicing on the pole, dancing on stage, it's reminiscent of being a dancer/gymnast. But on the nights I make no money and nobody is interested in me hit me so fucking hard. And even when I'm not at work, I'm hanging out with people from there, partying all night and doing tons of drugs, running around doing work errands like getting nails/hair/tan... or just sleeping because it and the meth use take everything out of me.
My life is a complete mess. My car got towed, I have to leave this place I'm staying at in a few days. I can't keep track of anything and I can't budget my money for shit. I've always prided myself in some weird sense for thinking I'm a
"different" addict, like I just use for x reasons and I go to school, have a home, pay my bills, live a normal/respectable life. But now I don't do or have any of those things. I look at the people I associate with and think, what the fuck am I doing? I went through a year and a half after graduating from high school of tweaking or using H, showing up high if I showed up at all at my old old gym, shoplifting and returning or selling everything, jumping from couch to couch and crashing at dealers, hanging out almost entirely with drug addicts. And now is not as bad, but I can feel myself drifting off into this empty flat road of going nowhere and the days just seeming to pass super quickly or super slow depending on the drug and how high I am... I don't even do any of the things that were important to me before, like writing.
I know part of my addiction to this club is the people. Even though I wouldn't trust most of them for shit, they are some sort of stability in my life. Even though I know they don't REALLY care about me it still feels like some sort of support system. When my parents kicked me out I had almost no one, I separated myself so much from my friends last year and then a ton left for the summer. Now I feel like if I were to go back to them I wouldn't even know how to act. This job was so far from anything anyone would have thought I would do, myself included, I feel like I didn't even know what I was getting into. My ex best friend was a stripper but she worked in an extras club... I thought the better clubs were getting naked and dancing on stage and doing occasional dances. I didn't think that most of the time people wouldn't even be looking at me on stage let alone tipping, and I didn't know I'd have to make my whole living going from guy to guy, trying to sell myself dancing on them naked. I made these boundaries for myself and then realized they were ridiculous. I slip farther and farther into the same mold as these people and realize I DO belong here.
I know I am not doing a good job taking care of myself, and that the meth is a huge part of it and so is the job... but I feel so alone all the time and just lost and stuck, I can't move on from being a mess and sometimes I feel like I just never will REALLY want to.
So maybe I am not someone else, I'm the same person I've been all these years and just didn't realize and thought I was better than.
My life has become so strange. Keeping totally bizarre hours, hanging out with weird people, stripping almost every night and if not partying with the managers/DJs/owner of my club...
This job has overtaken my life. It's an addiction, it's like a drug; the nights where I make tons of money, am popular with all the guys, get rained on onstage-- are fun and exciting and make me feel so good about myself. I love getting ready for work, picking out outfits, practicing on the pole, dancing on stage, it's reminiscent of being a dancer/gymnast. But on the nights I make no money and nobody is interested in me hit me so fucking hard. And even when I'm not at work, I'm hanging out with people from there, partying all night and doing tons of drugs, running around doing work errands like getting nails/hair/tan... or just sleeping because it and the meth use take everything out of me.
My life is a complete mess. My car got towed, I have to leave this place I'm staying at in a few days. I can't keep track of anything and I can't budget my money for shit. I've always prided myself in some weird sense for thinking I'm a
"different" addict, like I just use for x reasons and I go to school, have a home, pay my bills, live a normal/respectable life. But now I don't do or have any of those things. I look at the people I associate with and think, what the fuck am I doing? I went through a year and a half after graduating from high school of tweaking or using H, showing up high if I showed up at all at my old old gym, shoplifting and returning or selling everything, jumping from couch to couch and crashing at dealers, hanging out almost entirely with drug addicts. And now is not as bad, but I can feel myself drifting off into this empty flat road of going nowhere and the days just seeming to pass super quickly or super slow depending on the drug and how high I am... I don't even do any of the things that were important to me before, like writing.
I know part of my addiction to this club is the people. Even though I wouldn't trust most of them for shit, they are some sort of stability in my life. Even though I know they don't REALLY care about me it still feels like some sort of support system. When my parents kicked me out I had almost no one, I separated myself so much from my friends last year and then a ton left for the summer. Now I feel like if I were to go back to them I wouldn't even know how to act. This job was so far from anything anyone would have thought I would do, myself included, I feel like I didn't even know what I was getting into. My ex best friend was a stripper but she worked in an extras club... I thought the better clubs were getting naked and dancing on stage and doing occasional dances. I didn't think that most of the time people wouldn't even be looking at me on stage let alone tipping, and I didn't know I'd have to make my whole living going from guy to guy, trying to sell myself dancing on them naked. I made these boundaries for myself and then realized they were ridiculous. I slip farther and farther into the same mold as these people and realize I DO belong here.
I know I am not doing a good job taking care of myself, and that the meth is a huge part of it and so is the job... but I feel so alone all the time and just lost and stuck, I can't move on from being a mess and sometimes I feel like I just never will REALLY want to.
So maybe I am not someone else, I'm the same person I've been all these years and just didn't realize and thought I was better than.
