When will this shit end?

Between chronic health issues, mental health issues, a complete and utter fucked up home life, missed opportunities due to lack of funds and a fucked up body that does not seem to want me to be pain free and my complete lack of motivation to lay down the needle this year has been a complete bust so far. I have only confided in a few people just how miserable i fucking am these days.

I spend every day just trying to get through it and make it to the next. The only reason i even have for getting out of bed is to take some opiates so i don't get sick other then that id be quite happy to never wake up. My days go more or less like this. Get up and have a shot of morphine or dilaudid and take the rest of my meds then i think of how i am going to kill the day. Usually this involves just laying around or going to my friend/dealers house for abit then another shot around noon and another before bed. The few hours before i go to sleep are spent in a opiate, benzo and Cannabis induced haze in which i finally pass out off to the land of nod. The time in between is just spent trying not to think about how fucked up i have become.

To say i am at a loss as to what to do with my life is a major understatement and i try and not even think about the lack of opportunities i have. No money, i live outside the city where there is nothing to do but get fucked up, there are no women here and even if i did have any inclinations towards homosexuality there are very slim pickings in that regard either in my town, i can't afford to move to the city since rent prices are retarded, i would like to go to uni but i can't afford that and it would involve moving to the city so i am fucked. Completely fucked :D

Right now getting away from everyone sounds good. If i could get my health together i would happily move in with my friend on the otherside of the world and spend my days lying on a beach, doing cheap but very good heroin, popping her dexies, benzos and barbs and banging women all day. I wouldn't have to pay for anything other then smack and smokes so that would cost me fuck all money since i have a invite to live rent free there. I don't think i can hack another winter here since the last one damn near made me kill myself.

To be honest i don't even know why i keep on living as i have nothing to live for.

 

You would be suprised but living in such places is not as great as you imagine. When someone asks how it is in Cambodia or the Philippines I tell them to go read Burroughs on his years in Tangiers. The morphine boxes filled the room as did his used syringes and even tying his shoes became an almost unberable effort. Cheap pure heroin, tropical beaches and beautiful horny women is mundane at a certain point. For me that point is 4 grams a day.

 

You would be suprised but living in such places is not as great as you imagine. When someone asks how it is in Cambodia or the Philippines I tell them to go read Burroughs on his years in Tangiers. The morphine boxes filled the room as did his used syringes and even tying his shoes became an almost unberable effort. Cheap pure heroin, tropical beaches and beautiful horny women is mundane at a certain point. For me that point is 4 grams a day.

Yeah Ive read about Burroughs Tangiers days and i can easily seeing that ending up being me after a few months. Seeing as I'm at the point now where I'm using enough hydromorphone to kill a horse on some occasions.

 

Burroughs indeed. I'd get bored very quickly of that. I wish there were something that could be done to turn around your situation more immediately, in addition to the help needed by your town and your family. Isolation is a very dangerous thing in that it leads to boredom, which leads for many of us into self-destruction. You're way ahead in recognizing these tendencies at all. Keep your head up as tempting as the nod may be.

 

How likely is that to happen? How much of it is a matter of will power and self discipline? (My impression of Burroughs is that he was extremely debauched and self-absorbed). I realize you are going through a rough patch and are vulnerable, but the invitation you have is one that I can only dream of in this point in my life.

I spent a large chunk of last year living off the grid with only a solar panel for a couple of hours of electricity per day, and I want to go back to living that kind of life.
I live and an urban area (again) and feel like Charles Bukowsky in a sick city. I crave the isolation and silence.

 

How likely is that to happen? How much of it is a matter of will power and self discipline? (My impression of Burroughs is that he was extremely debauched and self-absorbed). I realize you are going through a rough patch and are vulnerable, but the invitation you have is one that I can only dream of in this point in my life.

I spent a large chunk of last year living off the grid with only a solar panel for a couple of hours of electricity per day, and I want to go back to living that kind of life.
I live and an urban area (again) and feel like Charles Bukowsky in a sick city. I crave the isolation and silence.

When it comes to morphine and opiates in general if i have a large supply i will use as much as i can hence the 60mg something shots of dilly that i was doing up to 5 times a day about 2 years ago. Basically all i would need to get me to the place of cheap drugs is the price of a flight. Saying that i have lived like that before only not with opiates instead back in those days it was unlimited amounts of booze, benzos and crack. The first was my drug of choice while the benzos where just something to take the edge of withdrawals and crack comedowns though i did get into the mazzies quite abit. I can't remember more then bit's and pieces of that time and given the state i was in i really don't want to

I can't stand isolation or too much silence so yeah i think that is what's driving me insane. That and the feeling that i am just lost.