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when will this alll stop, please advise..is it just me

S

Soccertrendy

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 28, 2011
Messages
159
Location
Glasgow
after a couple of year heroin habit in the uk (where the heroin is nowhere near as potent as say the states! (my friend got caught with a kilo and a half and it was 15% pure and the DA said that this was a pretty decent purity for the area)

Anyway after keeping my habit a secret i came clean to my mum and went on subs, was prescribed 16mg a day. i have zero physycal withdrawals symptoms and even tho i know heroin is going to do NOTHING to me i still cant stop going to get just a little bit. Ive never felt so depressed and i feel like im taking stock of my life and my brain is telling me that i was better off on it which i also know isnt true. I just feel like i have nothing to get up for, all my friends seem to be users as i have cut off all my decent friends. Is there a way i can stay on subs and say use at weekends or should i be trying something else? i really dont know what to do. im not even sure heroin is what im missing i think it might be the whole having a constant purpose of scoring heroin.

I just feel really low, didnt bother getting up today at all and ended up going on on my mtb to swap some valium i had for a couple of bags which even before going i knew wasnt going to do anyhting to me.

is this normal or am i just destined to fail. what i need is a job or something to keep me busy but im really lonely and it seems that everything costs money. i wish i could fuck off somewhere but i have a gf and kids...

hope this makes some sort of sense/

been on the subs for 9 days, prescribed 16mg but i know i dont need anywhere near that as i took 16 mg and was still ok near on 40 hours later then i used and imediately after i did i wsnt sure where i stood with PW's

any advice would be real great right now. I feeel like ive spend years wishing not to need heroin and now i dont physically need it i really just want it...

really am i normal?? fuck
 
I've never been on subs and don't know much about the effects but what I have read is that subs can cause some depression.

I almost went to get prescriptioms for benzos/ssris when I had a bad drug reaction about a year ago but I'm glad I didn't because what I know is that it moght have caused me some adverse effects so I just let my brain heal itself.
 
Subs worked for me as far as preventing me from getting withdrawals and I was prescribed 8 mg. But I felt flat and emotionless because I still wanted to use and the subs didn't stop my cravings. Sounds like that's what you're feeling too. It's hard if your heart isn't in it and I've known people who have found them to be a godsend.

I just wasn't ready to quit right then and when I was, I went cold-turkey and never went back. You have to make up your mind when you're done so you stop slipping back. You can do this! <3
 
My emotions have come back as strong as ever, and I am on subs - but I'm on half the dose you are on soccer. Maybe try a lower dose? 16mgs is a LOT especially for the quality of heroin you are describing...
 
I have a friend who feels exactly as you do, I'm 5 days clean myself off of suboxone.
These feelings of helplessness, they are not real. They're your mind tricking you because it's not balanced, however with time balance returns.

In a documentary about Heroin addiction in Canada, most said the ritual (as you said waking up just to score) is as addictive as the substance.

This is my humble opinion, but what do you like to do? Sitting around feeling bad is torture, feeling bad making money at work or building something is not so bad.
Even when I just play video games, it's hard to start, I'm like nahh, but once I start my mind is free from all that nonsense and I can focus on the game.

TL;DR - See a doctor, I have to say this. But if not, taper on subs. There are many threads about schedules both short and fast. I can even tell you how I tapered.

You're going to make it man, those negative thoughts are not real.
-FRF
 
You sound like you may be clinically depressed, do you take any psych medication thats prescribed? Allthough i'm a cynic of these, maybe an anti-depressant SSRI/SNRI (or other) could help.
Do you have a job? Also seeing a therapist/psychologist might help... it's difficult to detach from the whole "scene", but are there any hobbies you would like to do (sports, art...)
 
where do i find therapy? im in glasgow any help would be very much appreciated.

I said this to my mum a few days ago i said this si fucking terrible whats the point of sticking me on this medication and not even talking over the route of the problem with me.

Aslo do you know i said to my drug worker (16 years in the job) should i be expecting to suffer from PAWS on bupe as i know heroin is a full agonist and bupe is only a partial agonist so will it still be putting the chemicals into my brain that heroin was (i wasnt sure if you only got paws coming off everything! do you know what she said.....

What is PAWS?? even after i explained she didnt know what i meant. I swear on my daughters life! How the fuck is she supposed to help me. i could have got as much bupe as i needed off the street for pennys my mate is prescribed 24mg a day and takes 2mg daily
 
Soccertrendy,

I'm from the states so I'm honestly just unsure about where to find help. Could you give me a specific area, city or municipality within the UK such that I might be able to use a narrower (more specific) scope to possibly lend you a hand in finding adequate treatment?

By the way - for gods sake - realize how courageous you have been, and how much respect I gave for you because of it.
 
Soccertrendy said:
where do i find therapy? im in glasgow any help would be very much appreciated.

I said this to my mum a few days ago i said this si fucking terrible whats the point of sticking me on this medication and not even talking over the route of the problem with me.

Aslo do you know i said to my drug worker (16 years in the job) should i be expecting to suffer from PAWS on bupe as i know heroin is a full agonist and bupe is only a partial agonist so will it still be putting the chemicals into my brain that heroin was (i wasnt sure if you only got paws coming off everything! do you know what she said.....

What is PAWS?? even after i explained she didnt know what i meant. I swear on my daughters life! How the fuck is she supposed to help me. i could have got as much bupe as i needed off the street for pennys my mate is prescribed 24mg a day and takes 2mg daily
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That is pathetic that your drug worker had never heard of PAWS.8o

Here is a link I found that might help you find a therapist.

Good luck.You are doing the right thing by asking for help, doing the research yourself on knowledge that will help you, etc. You can always use Bluelight as one tool in your toolbox of support! :)<3
 
Im in Hamilton, south lanarkshire, Scotland. A postcode to use would be ML3 0JG (zip code)

Thanks very much for your help. and yeah its been har but i feel im getting there now!!

Bluelight is an amazing community...loads of people on here i'd buy a cyber pint!
 
How have you been Soccertrendy? I've been away from BL for the weekend at a concert, (I've stopped counting but I think I'm over 10 days clean now!), which is proof that you can do the same.

Have you found a therapist yet? I'm going to see one myself once my family has the money. I'm just focusing on cleaning up first.
But in the meantime, have you tried getting back at your hobbies? I know it's really, REALLY hard to start. Even me getting out of bed to get on bluelight is exhausting and seems impossible, but after 10 minutes I feel better.

I hope you're still well, as I'm sure we all do.

And hey, I'll have a cyber pint with ya in Glasgow any day. I've heard they have amazing music festivals there.

You're already doing a really good job, you should pat yourself on the back,
-FRF
 
Yeah mate im alot better, decided i to have a blow out last night and from here on in im taking 16mg/day as per advice given to me. I had already missed them for 3 days due to a couple o reasons and getting low and was goingto fuck them off altogether.

Tomorrow im starting 16mg and using my will power to forget about everything else! I joined the gym two days ago too. So im going to focus my efforts into the gym, i also fixed my MTB a wee bit back so have been putting my tunes on in my earfones and going out blasts on the bike to help with natural endorphins!

I'm not going to make any daft promises but i believe this time that its all behind me (i need to think like that in order to succeed) i also feel that as soon as your off the gear and on subs/meth its amazing how quickly your mind forgets all the negatives and starts trying to convince you "that it wasnt that bad" so i waited to i was in withdrawal and wrote how i feel. i feel serious about it this time

I have so many positives in my life i cannot afford to let this substance take everything i have!!
 
i also fixed my MTB a wee bit back so have been putting my tunes on in my earfones and going out blasts on the bike to help with natural endorphins!
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That's so good to hear. I race motocross and I've been practicing again, well really strength training first so I don't hurt myself. My point is after a good workout, a stretch, and a soak, you feel so much better for hours.
It also helps to just break that ritual of going out to get things. That's was just as much a part of my mental habit, the daily ritual of an addiction.

My point is you're doing great!

I'm not going to make any daft promises but i believe this time that its all behind me (i need to think like that in order to succeed) i also feel that as soon as your off the gear and on subs/meth its amazing how quickly your mind forgets all the negatives and starts trying to convince you "that it wasnt that bad" so i waited to i was in withdrawal and wrote how i feel. i feel serious about it this time
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Way to go. That's the mindset you need. You can do this because many other people have before you. It's not impossible, and once you conquer it, think of how strong that makes you.
You are already strong, you are fighting something tough but beatable. You can win this fight and we're rooting for you.

You got this mate,
-FRF
 
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