When will it stop...?

[chrisalt]

Im 25 years old. sober 5 years from hard drugs which mostly were stims. The only drugs i do now are the odd prescribed benzo for panic attacks. My problem I just want to curl up with some chemicals even after so much time clean. I now have chronic pain issues to go with my anxiety and depression. My knees are fucked big time... and my back is bad from scoliosis(20 degrees which is not bad enough for anything to be done about it but bad enought to ruin life for me) and neck degeneration which is getting worse by the years. my brain is gone...i go between wanting to be good then bad then bad then good then bad im just sooo fucked up. i went from being a reservist in my teens to and drug addict and criminal that got getting arrested and turned my life around only to kill myself daily in a hydraulics shop lifting 100lbs plus shit with pain issues that are getting worse. My Gf loves me to death and supports me threw my pain issues as best she can(she has her own which i help her with) but is super straight edge and would leave my ass if i went back to the life...i woundnt want to put her throught that any ways.


My question is how do any of you stay clean...I thought the thrist would be less by now.. its near impossible when life keeps throwing bs at you no matter what you do. fuck some days i feel i should just end it. apprently im fucked no matter what .Sorry for bitching so much feel free to close this. i dont even know why i wrote it.

 

[1394]

You sound like you are in a particularly bad mood, man. Cheer up a bit, things get easier along the way. Try not to think about "bad" things, as you'll only want them more. You are sober now, you plan to continue life like this, you will get used to the different dynamics of the situation.

peace

 

[masumune]

If your girlfriend leaves you for not being straight edge then she sucks, she obviously doesn't care that much about you if she is willing to leave you for not living her same life style.Those people live in fantasy land. Not everybody is high on life. It is a good thing she can live happily without drugs but she doesn't know your pain. Many do not understand that things like depression and anxiety are chemical imbalances and certain drugs are sometimes required to straighten things out, most straight edgers are the lucky folk who don't have to deal with mental disorders or chronic pain. Of course if you end up being a total drug ADDICT it is understandable on her part if she left you. If I were you I would get into meditation, yes it really works and it does wonders for pain and your state of mind. Also, despite what your GF feels is appropriate Marijuana can be amazing therapy. It has kept me away from hard drugs so many times I can't count, it may not eliminate the pain but it can put you in a mind set to deal with it positively. I have never found it to be a gateway drug. And being that you are prone to drug addiction I'd steer clear of pain meds unless it is your last hope.
Also exercise and proper diet is amazing for your mental health, you should consult your doctor with what workouts are safe for you to attempt considering your back and knees.
Good luck man, you sound like you are in a shitty place right now. Maybe consult the bong when your girl isn't around and see if it doesn't provide you with an enlightening new prospective on your life.

 

[chrisalt]

If your girlfriend leaves you for not being straight edge then she sucks, she obviously doesn't care that much about you if she is willing to leave you for not living her same life style.Those people live in fantasy land. Not everybody is high on life. It is a good thing she can live happily without drugs but she doesn't know your pain. Many do not understand that things like depression and anxiety are chemical imbalances and certain drugs are sometimes required to straighten things out, most straight edgers are the lucky folk who don't have to deal with mental disorders or chronic pain. Of course if you end up being a total drug ADDICT it is understandable on her part if she left you. If I were you I would get into meditation, yes it really works and it does wonders for pain and your state of mind. Also, despite what your GF feels is appropriate Marijuana can be amazing therapy. It has kept me away from hard drugs so many times I can't count, it may not eliminate the pain but it can put you in a mind set to deal with it positively. I have never found it to be a gateway drug. And being that you are prone to drug addiction I'd steer clear of pain meds unless it is your last hope.
Also exercise and proper diet is amazing for your mental health, you should consult your doctor with what workouts are safe for you to attempt considering your back and knees.
Good luck man, you sound like you are in a shitty place right now. Maybe consult the bong when your girl isn't around and see if it doesn't provide you with an enlightening new prospective on your life.

I disagree completly, if somone is living a life of street drugs. A man/woman who isn't should not have to stick around. Even if the person is not a junkie and just a sort of user. Everyone is allowed to live anyway they want. btw she would not leave me for using painmeds or anti D's etc. just stuff like pot,coke etc etc. She made this clear when thing got more serious and i said it was cool. i could have walked no hard feelings. i chose her. p.s pot is one big reason i have such bad anxiety, .Im one of those people pot fucks up, everyone close to me knows this and most are avid users. to all there own i guess .p.p.s whats the point in being with someone you love if they cant even trust you?

 

[xxsicknessxx]

because I have to. There is no other choice... sadly it took along time to believe this but drugs for me (for addicts) lead only to jail, death, or instituations.. and I have been through death, jail and lots of mental hospitals.. They all scare me and I don't want either of the three and now I believe what they told me..

Sadly it took so long like you im burnt... Its hard to enjoy anything... I don't enjoy sitting at home all day watching tv... I don't get enjoyment out of much except for reading my books and music.. and even music triggers using so bad I don't listen to it anymore.. really only way I can loose my self is in a book and even that triggers drugs.. sadly I did drugs so long doing everything normal that doing anything is a trigger

but what choice do I have? Like you said you can't go back to the life you would loose anything in the end you would end up along, out of money and out of drugs so you can live like you do now sober by choice or you can live broke, alone, sick, hurt, dope sick, and sober by FORCE

its your choice, by choice? sober? or force sober?

For me it makes the choice easy

plus you can always choose drugs you can always blow your life away when ever you want its a choice but once you loose sober you can't just get it back... you can't get clean time back.. so .... there you go

whats your choice bro?

Its never easy.... I always thought it would be and .... its not but ... its better to do it by choice then force trust me

 

[chrisalt]

Sickness, you really get it and i thank you for giving a little fight back into my life with your words. That made more sense to me then anything ive ever heard.

Cheers bro
Chris

 

[masumune]

I disagree completly, if somone is living a life of street drugs. A man/woman who isn't should not have to stick around. Even if the person is not a junkie and just a sort of user. Everyone is allowed to live anyway they want. btw she would not leave me for using painmeds or anti D's etc. just stuff like pot,coke etc etc. She made this clear when thing got more serious and i said it was cool. i could have walked no hard feelings. i chose her. p.s pot is one big reason i have such bad anxiety, .Im one of those people pot fucks up, everyone close to me knows this and most are avid users. to all there own i guess .p.p.s whats the point in being with someone you love if they cant even trust you?

What is the point of being with someone who you can't fuck up with? And what is the point of being in a relationship where you can't do what you want without fear of being dumped? My girl doesn't do any drugs at all, it isn't for her but she doesn't judge me or threaten to leave me because I do, she loves me. If your girl loves you she shouldn't dump your ass for giving in to your physical or mental anguish. People treat drug use so black and white. " A drug user will only ever end up either in jail dead or braindumb" that is a gross generalization and simply untrue. It should make a difference to someone if their lover is a drug user but is responsible and is functioning and is not ruining their health because of it. Mother fucking Carl Sagan was a huge pot head and experienced hallucinogens , that should be enough for all the goody two shoes out there. Obviously if you were a total fuck up then even love can only go so far but if you are this miserable and need something to cope with life here and there she is a bitch for not understanding. Also pot is not a street drug. It grows out of the ground. People who treat it as such are insane.
I used to get extreme anxiety when I smoked pot. I got extremely self conscious I used to think and focus on all the negative things in my life. I then when in this state started to embrace the anxiety and started to really envelope myself in the problems I had in my life so I could analyze what was making me so anxious while high, I could pinpoint the problem when I was high because that was when it was effecting me most. This made my problems less intimidating as I was laying them all out in my head nice and neat and could deal with them more methodically.
I then realized I was getting a level of insight on my life that was much more than normal and because of this I have been able to sort out many issues in my life. I totally agree that many people react to drugs differently than one another but that is different from having a bad experience with something. Weed can be akin to tripping where if your life is a chaotic mess the insight can be unpleasing and un nerving causing terrible panic or anxiety, on the flip side if things are going well you become elated and filled with joy and peace of mind.
Look I am not you I realize this, you may not be someone who can responsibly use drugs many have this problem, but if you can and think certain drugs will help you but have to suffer and not utilize them because your girlfriend doesn't understand I think that is fucked up.

 

[chrisalt]

What is the point of being with someone who you can't fuck up with? And what is the point of being in a relationship where you can't do what you want without fear of being dumped? My girl doesn't do any drugs at all, it isn't for her but she doesn't judge me or threaten to leave me because I do, she loves me. If your girl loves you she shouldn't dump your ass for giving in to your physical or mental anguish. People treat drug use so black and white. " A drug user will only ever end up either in jail dead or braindumb" that is a gross generalization and simply untrue. It should make a difference to someone if their lover is a drug user but is responsible and is functioning and is not ruining their health because of it. Mother fucking Carl Sagan was a huge pot head and experienced hallucinogens , that should be enough for all the goody two shoes out there. Obviously if you were a total fuck up then even love can only go so far but if you are this miserable and need something to cope with life here and there she is a bitch for not understanding. Also pot is not a street drug. It grows out of the ground. People who treat it as such are insane.
I used to get extreme anxiety when I smoked pot. I got extremely self conscious I used to think and focus on all the negative things in my life. I then when in this state started to embrace the anxiety and started to really envelope myself in the problems I had in my life so I could analyze what was making me so anxious while high, I could pinpoint the problem when I was high because that was when it was effecting me most. This made my problems less intimidating as I was laying them all out in my head nice and neat and could deal with them more methodically.
I then realized I was getting a level of insight on my life that was much more than normal and because of this I have been able to sort out many issues in my life. I totally agree that many people react to drugs differently than one another but that is different from having a bad experience with something. Weed can be akin to tripping where if your life is a chaotic mess the insight can be unpleasing and un nerving causing terrible panic or anxiety, on the flip side if things are going well you become elated and filled with joy and peace of mind.
Look I am not you I realize this, you may not be someone who can responsibly use drugs many have this problem, but if you can and think certain drugs will help you but have to suffer and not utilize them because your girlfriend doesn't understand I think that is fucked up.

I see your points i do. I have dated quite a few women, but was single for a number of years. Maybe im just telling myself this is normal when its not.
I dont know tho, i can tell she loves me to death and would do anything for me, but this is all aside from anything to do with drugs. She has her reasons why which i wont get into because its not for me to to tell. We will see how long this last i guess.