blahblahblah
Bluelighter
I have been on a 4 year run (daily IV heroin) which ended abruptly when the cell door slammed. The dickhead cop waves my jab of heroin in front of my face.
"I bet you are going to need this soon...dopefiend." He growled in a mocking tone. Fucker..!@!
Its a hot Friday afternoon, my last shot was taken approx. 1 hour ago and I am already starting to break a sweat in this sweltering stinkbox of a City lock-up. To top off my already bad luck with a cherry it is a long weekend Memorial day I believe, which means I have to wait until Tues. to see a judge and get a bond reduction. My mom and dad laughed and said,
"You want us to pay $7,500 so you can go out and die, click".
Nothing out of the ordinary, surprised they actually home this weekend and that they actually accepted the call. At least they will have a peaceful weekend not having to worry about getting the "dreaded call".
I am going to have to tough this one out. I get some sleep Friday night and wake up early to a egg something from Mcdonalds. Withdrawl symptoms are starting to set-in, ugh and the smell from the breakfast is working my stomach over. Please, please just 1 more fix. Its not going to happen here you dumb motherfucking fuckface. Twenty-four hours roll around and I am sweating and my bones are starting to ache. I am consumed with thoughts of heroin, I feel as if a evil spirit is punishing me, I am a robot programed for a fix. I start to wither in pain my stomach feels like its a 1000 snakes all wiggling around. I violently up-chuck to get the snakes out. I am shaking like a leaf on a tree. The same cop that arrested me checks up.
"You doing ok?"
Whatcha think sargent Shitface? As I am flipping around on the concrete floor like a fish outta water. I feel the reaper creeping closer.
No sleep, ha not possible. All my mind focuses on is heroin and everything that goes along with it. Now I know this is stupid to focus on the drug at this point but alas Im still a young'n in this story. I start to vomit, nothing to puke up except a foamy green bile, I try to catch my breath between dry heaves but I cant, I am going to die, I am hyper-ventilating puking foam onto the floor. My stomach tied in the tightest knots a boyscout earning his merit badge could tie. Suddenly my bowels decide to empty, reminiscent of a waterfall. My muscles feel like rubberbands wound waaay to tight, I want to break them. Just as suddenly my muscles unwind and render themselves useless as I drip on to the floor unable to even support my own body weight. I feel my bones aching from the inside out, pain so annoying it feels as if someone is driving nails into my shins. This is insanity I am freezing fucking cold seconds later I am dripping in sweat. This is my punishment for living a life of chemical bliss, living on the edge, knowing no limits, Dumbass. Knowing that 2 min. outside of these four walls I could score and in seconds my pain will dissipate and I will be normal just adds to my anxiety levels. Heroin the miracle cure. Yea right.
The guard on duty watches me squirming on the fluid covered floor and hears my sobs of desperation, clink clink the gate opens.
"What the fuck is going on in here?"
"I am dieing!!?" I moan
My flesh is covered in goosebumps as my sweat bounces down richoceting off the bumps like some demented game of pinball, nothing is left inside me I cant eat and all I puke is foam all I shit is liquid. I know I am getting dehydrated, I know I need medical attention. The guard is a dick and slams the door.
I cant take it, I just simply cant take this I beg to be taken to the hospital which is done promptly once a few officers take a look at me and in the cell. Fucking Catapress, Atavan, and some green liquid (phenagren?) I forget. I need like 20 times the amount of Atavan that was given. I feel tempted to grab the nurse and scream:
"GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR GODDAMN DRUGS NOW BITCH!!!"
It has now been over 50 hours and I am fuct. They keep me under observation for the night which was hell getting through. Imagine being handcuffed to a hospital bed 2 days into the sick, not being able to sit still. The muscle cramps are unbearable I feel it run right up my legs into my lowerback and into my neck. My legs are involuntary kicking at random, I realise where the term 'kick' came from. No sleep its Monday morning and I am exhausted to say the least. I wish I could reach in my back and just pull out my spine it hurts so much. Through out the day the symptoms persist, the dry heaving is getting under control, but even the benzos they are giving me wont stop me from shaking and twitching. Compazine is added for my stomach. No sleep in sight, but I can see the judge Tues morning. Another hellish night begins, of course I have to have a clock in my room I am tortured watching the time tick by seconds. Seconds tip by as if they were hours, I count the time down.
Will my parents come through? Will the judge lower my bail? Am I going to get tossed into county jail? When will I get that needle stuck in my vein? I slowly start to realize what had happened I could careless about my pending arrainment I just want to get high. I stashed a half a jab outside the car before getting popped off, I wonder if its still there?
I need a shower so bad as I have days of dried fluids all over me, I reek. Off to the courthouse, I can slightly tolerate the w/d but I can barely walk my muscles are so cramped. I start to get Vertigo that unfortunately aggravates the other inmates locked up with me. Uh-oh the dry heaving begins it feels like my stomach is swirling I have to focus my eyes on one point and deep breath just to stop the horrible episodes of dry heaving. Am I going to be able to even see the judge? Will I puke on the floor? God, what a show that would be.
My parents are there, bail reduction 5K, boom. I have to wait another 8 hours before I am even processed and released. Surprised my parents didn't leave me in there to sweat out this habit a little longer. I think they saw the pain in my eyes and the pain in my voice and the pain of my being. I have my mom drive me back to the "point of origin" and I retrieve the 6 bags I had left. Soon as I see those beautiful foils of heroin I instantly feel better my stomach flips and I smile for the first time all weekend. Bathroom stop... Snort, Snort, ... Ahhh the relief.
You don't know the meaning of relief until you have been dopeless for 80-90 hours and you get some heroin into your bloodstream. Its probably for the better I didn't have a needle, I probably would have OD'd from sheer excitement.
The story continues as I saddle up the white horse again, where ever the Horse feels like running to I am forced to go. Occasionally I fall off the Horse stumbling off into the sunset.
***
Opiate addiction is a rough rough cycle that I have still yet to overcome. This brief account of w/d occurred over 5 years ago.
I mainly touched on the physical side of withdrawl, maybe I'll write another one dealing with the psychological/mental side, which in my mind is way worse.
"I bet you are going to need this soon...dopefiend." He growled in a mocking tone. Fucker..!@!
Its a hot Friday afternoon, my last shot was taken approx. 1 hour ago and I am already starting to break a sweat in this sweltering stinkbox of a City lock-up. To top off my already bad luck with a cherry it is a long weekend Memorial day I believe, which means I have to wait until Tues. to see a judge and get a bond reduction. My mom and dad laughed and said,
"You want us to pay $7,500 so you can go out and die, click".
Nothing out of the ordinary, surprised they actually home this weekend and that they actually accepted the call. At least they will have a peaceful weekend not having to worry about getting the "dreaded call".
I am going to have to tough this one out. I get some sleep Friday night and wake up early to a egg something from Mcdonalds. Withdrawl symptoms are starting to set-in, ugh and the smell from the breakfast is working my stomach over. Please, please just 1 more fix. Its not going to happen here you dumb motherfucking fuckface. Twenty-four hours roll around and I am sweating and my bones are starting to ache. I am consumed with thoughts of heroin, I feel as if a evil spirit is punishing me, I am a robot programed for a fix. I start to wither in pain my stomach feels like its a 1000 snakes all wiggling around. I violently up-chuck to get the snakes out. I am shaking like a leaf on a tree. The same cop that arrested me checks up.
"You doing ok?"
Whatcha think sargent Shitface? As I am flipping around on the concrete floor like a fish outta water. I feel the reaper creeping closer.
No sleep, ha not possible. All my mind focuses on is heroin and everything that goes along with it. Now I know this is stupid to focus on the drug at this point but alas Im still a young'n in this story. I start to vomit, nothing to puke up except a foamy green bile, I try to catch my breath between dry heaves but I cant, I am going to die, I am hyper-ventilating puking foam onto the floor. My stomach tied in the tightest knots a boyscout earning his merit badge could tie. Suddenly my bowels decide to empty, reminiscent of a waterfall. My muscles feel like rubberbands wound waaay to tight, I want to break them. Just as suddenly my muscles unwind and render themselves useless as I drip on to the floor unable to even support my own body weight. I feel my bones aching from the inside out, pain so annoying it feels as if someone is driving nails into my shins. This is insanity I am freezing fucking cold seconds later I am dripping in sweat. This is my punishment for living a life of chemical bliss, living on the edge, knowing no limits, Dumbass. Knowing that 2 min. outside of these four walls I could score and in seconds my pain will dissipate and I will be normal just adds to my anxiety levels. Heroin the miracle cure. Yea right.
The guard on duty watches me squirming on the fluid covered floor and hears my sobs of desperation, clink clink the gate opens.
"What the fuck is going on in here?"
"I am dieing!!?" I moan
My flesh is covered in goosebumps as my sweat bounces down richoceting off the bumps like some demented game of pinball, nothing is left inside me I cant eat and all I puke is foam all I shit is liquid. I know I am getting dehydrated, I know I need medical attention. The guard is a dick and slams the door.
I cant take it, I just simply cant take this I beg to be taken to the hospital which is done promptly once a few officers take a look at me and in the cell. Fucking Catapress, Atavan, and some green liquid (phenagren?) I forget. I need like 20 times the amount of Atavan that was given. I feel tempted to grab the nurse and scream:
"GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR GODDAMN DRUGS NOW BITCH!!!"
It has now been over 50 hours and I am fuct. They keep me under observation for the night which was hell getting through. Imagine being handcuffed to a hospital bed 2 days into the sick, not being able to sit still. The muscle cramps are unbearable I feel it run right up my legs into my lowerback and into my neck. My legs are involuntary kicking at random, I realise where the term 'kick' came from. No sleep its Monday morning and I am exhausted to say the least. I wish I could reach in my back and just pull out my spine it hurts so much. Through out the day the symptoms persist, the dry heaving is getting under control, but even the benzos they are giving me wont stop me from shaking and twitching. Compazine is added for my stomach. No sleep in sight, but I can see the judge Tues morning. Another hellish night begins, of course I have to have a clock in my room I am tortured watching the time tick by seconds. Seconds tip by as if they were hours, I count the time down.
Will my parents come through? Will the judge lower my bail? Am I going to get tossed into county jail? When will I get that needle stuck in my vein? I slowly start to realize what had happened I could careless about my pending arrainment I just want to get high. I stashed a half a jab outside the car before getting popped off, I wonder if its still there?
I need a shower so bad as I have days of dried fluids all over me, I reek. Off to the courthouse, I can slightly tolerate the w/d but I can barely walk my muscles are so cramped. I start to get Vertigo that unfortunately aggravates the other inmates locked up with me. Uh-oh the dry heaving begins it feels like my stomach is swirling I have to focus my eyes on one point and deep breath just to stop the horrible episodes of dry heaving. Am I going to be able to even see the judge? Will I puke on the floor? God, what a show that would be.
My parents are there, bail reduction 5K, boom. I have to wait another 8 hours before I am even processed and released. Surprised my parents didn't leave me in there to sweat out this habit a little longer. I think they saw the pain in my eyes and the pain in my voice and the pain of my being. I have my mom drive me back to the "point of origin" and I retrieve the 6 bags I had left. Soon as I see those beautiful foils of heroin I instantly feel better my stomach flips and I smile for the first time all weekend. Bathroom stop... Snort, Snort, ... Ahhh the relief.
You don't know the meaning of relief until you have been dopeless for 80-90 hours and you get some heroin into your bloodstream. Its probably for the better I didn't have a needle, I probably would have OD'd from sheer excitement.
The story continues as I saddle up the white horse again, where ever the Horse feels like running to I am forced to go. Occasionally I fall off the Horse stumbling off into the sunset.
***
Opiate addiction is a rough rough cycle that I have still yet to overcome. This brief account of w/d occurred over 5 years ago.
I mainly touched on the physical side of withdrawl, maybe I'll write another one dealing with the psychological/mental side, which in my mind is way worse.
