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  • BDD Moderators: Keif’ Richards

When the will to use starts overtaking your will to live

dankplantgrower

dankplantgrower

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 23, 2010
Messages
488
Location
Inland Empire, CA
Hi everyone. I have a problem with alcohol that would make most people at AA meetings do a double take. On Thursday I drank just under a half gallon of vodka and got non lethal alcohol poisoning. I couldnt eat or drink anything without vomiting the next day and I was literally hungover until Sunday. I woke up in the back seat of my car, in front of the public park somehow, with vomit everywhere and piss soaking my pants. I vomited probably 10 times in the back seat that I remember, including dry heaves, lost my keys in my own car, and possibly shit in my car (my ass was clean but there were feces in the front seat, window was down..). Even the bums were looking at me and shaking their heads when I came back with my spare keys later.

Ive been drinking at least a 5th and blacking out both nights since Monday and my family is sick and tired of me. My mom told me that I would be out on the streets if I came home drunk last night; I dont remember coming home last night and I vomited all over my car again. I smoked a whole 20 of meth yesterday at least from what I remember and still drank enough to obliterate me. Im afraid to call my buddy because Im pretty sure I got wasted and acted a fool or something. Ive been driving blackout drunk everywhere and Im either going to catch another DUI or kil myself/others in an accident.

On top of al this, I have some type of kidney or liver problem. I get pain/discomfort in my lower back on both sides in what I believe are my kidneys when I drink, occasionally painful enough that I have to stop drinking. When this happens I usually take it easy for a week or so but I always return. I piss orange syrup that literally falls to the bottom of the toilet bowl hardly mixing into the water, unless Im drowning myself with water (I carry a liter everywhere). Ive been ignoring the pain/discomfort the last week and just getting shitfaced. I feel sick with and without booze and I fee like even my circulation is taking a dump.

Im about to go get a pint and start it all over again at 8 AM. How the fuck do you stop yourself in a situation like this? Inpatient takes months to secure without insurance (been there done that) and I dont have months. I feel like Ill either be dead or in jail in another month. I have 2 daughters who deserve a fucking father and I realize this but I can. not. stop.

Has anyone here come back from the brink? How did you do it?
 
Go to the emergency room at a hospital. They have to treat you and setup a detox plan for you. Well actually I don't know where you are so maybe its not true, but where I am they do.
 
This is more suited for TDS, I think you would get more replies there, more appropriate ones too. The forum focusses on these type of issues and alot of caring people are there with good advice and kind words to help people in an addiction or in recovery.

TDS link

I wish you the best man.
 
dankplantgrower said:
Hi everyone. I have a problem with alcohol that would make most people at AA meetings do a double take. On Thursday I drank just under a half gallon of vodka and got non lethal alcohol poisoning. I couldnt eat or drink anything without vomiting the next day and I was literally hungover until Sunday. I woke up in the back seat of my car, in front of the public park somehow, with vomit everywhere and piss soaking my pants. I vomited probably 10 times in the back seat that I remember, including dry heaves, lost my keys in my own car, and possibly shit in my car (my ass was clean but there were feces in the front seat, window was down..). Even the bums were looking at me and shaking their heads when I came back with my spare keys later.

Ive been drinking at least a 5th and blacking out both nights since Monday and my family is sick and tired of me. My mom told me that I would be out on the streets if I came home drunk last night; I dont remember coming home last night and I vomited all over my car again. I smoked a whole 20 of meth yesterday at least from what I remember and still drank enough to obliterate me. Im afraid to call my buddy because Im pretty sure I got wasted and acted a fool or something. Ive been driving blackout drunk everywhere and Im either going to catch another DUI or kil myself/others in an accident.

On top of al this, I have some type of kidney or liver problem. I get pain/discomfort in my lower back on both sides in what I believe are my kidneys when I drink, occasionally painful enough that I have to stop drinking. When this happens I usually take it easy for a week or so but I always return. I piss orange syrup that literally falls to the bottom of the toilet bowl hardly mixing into the water, unless Im drowning myself with water (I carry a liter everywhere). Ive been ignoring the pain/discomfort the last week and just getting shitfaced. I feel sick with and without booze and I fee like even my circulation is taking a dump.
n
Im about to go get a pint and start it all over again at 8 AM. How the fuck do you stop yourself in a situation like this? Inpatient takes months to secure without insurance (been there done that) and I dont have months. I feel like Ill either be dead or in jail in another month. I have 2 daughters who deserve a fucking father and I realize this but I can. not. stop.

Has anyone here come back from the brink? How did you do it?
Click to expand...

And yet the government still thinks marijuana should stay on the ban list...sorry i dont mean to start off that way but the first thing i thought to myself after reading this was"put down the beer and pick up a blunt" but anyways moving on.. My dad is also an alcholic so i can understand how it affects your family..as far as out patient goes down here where im from the longest you would wait is about a week if that. Maybe you should try looking at places away from your home area, maybe smaller cities with smaller waiting list, cuz honestly man this stuff sounds like its gonna get you sooner rather than later. And trust me, i know how you feel right now. I am not an alchoholic but i was addicted to heroin for 3 years, and i had a huge habit. Lets just say every WEEK i was doing a rent payment, water, and gas...every frickin WEEK not month...and this was non stop.. i had to get help. I just didnt know what to do or how to go about. Another thing is, you have to be truley ready to give up drinking. If you are not 100 percent comitted to stopping you will fail relapse and start the cycle all over again.....i tried an inpatient program, and after 24 hours i left. Looking back, i didnt make it because i wasnt full ready despite how much i tried to tell my self i was...ill pray for you tho man. I hope everything works out..
 
For the sake of your children please go to the hospital. They have to provide you with some type of treatment especailly if you may have a kidney or liver problem.
 
you clearly know what you have to do, and why

do it, you know youre close to the point of no return.
 
That's 3 UK bottles of spirit every 24 hours. I managed to do that for over a year BUT I literally drank £28000. It's hard work to keep up and my only advice it EAT. When I stopped (which I did by myself over 12 days using clomethiazole), my liver enzymes were only 'slightly raised' which freaked out the doctors. I'm sure that keeping on eating is what saved me. The docs, AA.... nobody can get you sober until YOU want to be. BY the end, I was sick of it and I wanted to stop but docs and stuff were useless so I DIYed. You sleep A LOT and if you mix clomethiazole with alcohol it will kill you (but it seems to fill the hole where alcohol goes so I didn't have any craving). Clomethiazole is, apparently, legal worldwide.

Of course - I cannot say where I got mine.

Good luck.
 
Ok I know this is a repeat of what everyone else is saying but you need to go to the hospital, if only for the back pain. Got a uti in one of my kidneys once, fucking hurt like hell in an obnoxious throbbing way. Shit can turn bad if left untreated n you can't just get off that much alcohol cold turkey. I'm not a big fan of 12 step programs as I think they encourage powerlessness instead of taking control in your own life, but at the very least a detox under supervision is needed.
 
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